69 with Terence69

SBS and SMRT: Thank You Very Much

2011-07-12T09:00:00.003+08:00

In a busy hawker center in the eastern heartlands of Singapore, an enterprising hawker has been inspired by the latest news on how public transport companies SBS and SMRT are seeking an increase in fare prices.

As Mr Kong Chiao Wei sat near his busy Chai Tao Kuay (white carrot cake) stall, watching his talented foreign staff cooking and serving his customers, he began to elaborate on his latest business expansion plans.

“My carrot cake is very famous one you know, people come all the way from Woodlands to eat my food. See how they line up just to order from my staff at Chateau Quay (pronounced Chai Tao Kuay)? I tell you ah, they have to wait very long and even though, they have to self-service, they will still eat here lor.

“But I want to improve my service by making my stall look nicer, and also open one more stall in Woodlands to serve my faithful customers there. So I will be increasing my prices; to help my customers. It is justifiable lah, even though I make more money, my costs will increase lor, with additional stall, means I got more costs leh. I need to hire more staff, pay rental for the new stall and also got so many other extra costs like renovating my new stall.”

Mr Kong feels that the increase will help him serve his customers better, who have enjoyed his food for years. “Last time in 2008, I increase price only by 50cts, but I give back to my customers you know? Cos I put out a bigger pot of chilli for them to put on my Chai Tao Kuay.”

The question remained as to how customers in this area will benefit from the higher prices. But Mr Kong was certain it is for their own good. “You see ah, SMRT build more lines to serve Singaporeans right? Those people who only take the old line from East to West will still need to pay more, even though they don’t need those new lines. But this is actually because SMRT is so service and public minded, and they give them the chance to go other places that they don’t need to, and so paying a bit more for their usual same trip is worth it lah.

“They buy new buses or what train, is the same as me buying new and nicer cooking utensils to cook my Chai Tao Kuay, that’s why I believe raising my prices is right and good for everyone. My new BMW also faster than my 2-year-old Mercedes, so I can come here earlier to open my stall for my customers, you know.

"By the way, I’m also upgrading from my condominium to a landed property. I feel good about this expansion and I know my food surely taste better when I am feeling happier. My customers will love it.”

As Mr Kong excused himself to join his friends for a beer, I asked a customer how happy he was with Mr Kong’s latest proposals to increase his stall’s prices.

Mr Chin Too Lan replied, “KNNBCCB understand? Lim peh (referring to himself) can don’t eat this silang chai tao kuay and start eating chap chai png (economical rice with dishes) liao. KNN simi increase price here because he got new stalls in other place. Singapore only got one train and bus company, I got no choice, if they give some CB reason to increase their own pocket money. Pay and pay and probably still wait and wait just to squeeze like sardine marinated in people's sweat. #%&@ lah, forget it, now I got no more appetite.”

As Mr Chin walked away, he asked to convey to Mr Kong a suggestion that he should go develop sexual relations with a dog.

Public Service

Thank you SMRT and SBS Transit, for your "inspiring" and continued "public-spirited" service to Singaporeans. By the way, Mr Chin’s suggestion for Mr Kong seems very appropriate for you too.

Repetitive Memories & Life

2011-07-06T03:00:00.000+08:00

What I Have Learnt From Life

2011-07-05T22:00:00.016+08:00

There is an eerie compulsion to be nice even though according to certain reliable sources, I am obviously not (I might also say I think that Geylang is just as a reliable source, for virtuous potential foreign brides). An odd Neanderthal need to be appreciated by the ones I love or care about. Much as the darkness that thrives in my words and its incessant whine on the pointless deeds for nothing, people and life, I still end up trying.

Tasting sweet nectar occasionally, I push on only to realize the foul phlegm spat upon my back. I can still feel it encrusted on the blades wedged between my shoulder blades by hands of a proclaimed epitome of empathetic kindness. I guess some people might take the loving stealth, demonstrated in placing the forementioned sputum from a discreetly malicious mouth and knife, without my knowledge, as love. I certainly hope they experience the joy that they so lovingly offer to others, as well. Many times over.

Well, I did talk about the darkness within my words, haven’t I? Nah, I don't wish anything on them. Life has a beautiful road of parity on it's own. Duplicity is amazingly mirrored and ultimately projected to and from the associates in their lives.

But there is a reason for my words, I suppose. Caring and sharing has certainly improved my life. It has lightened my load, especially where assets and cash are concerned. And it has also dramatically provided my complexion with a certain glow, much like a radioactive scrotum.

Do the right thing I say, in light or darkness. Silly me. I’ve been roasting a brick, while dreaming of marshmallows.

I’ve always wondered, if there is really something this world has to offer. After all that I’ve gone through, I can honestly say, yes. Being the deluded clever thing that I am (one might say I resemble those round things found on the tentacles of an octopus), I dove right in to experience every sensation I could from what I would assume to be the beauty of life, within the confines of what I would desperately attempt to hope is the morally correct thing to do. I discovered how life offered me a chance to bleed. I didn’t believe it.

I believed truly in the possibilities of truth and integrity. It gave me a new fork deep in my perineum.

I still believe in life. I truly still do.

I believe it will end eventually. Soon. Please.

I'm Sorry, Singapore.

2011-05-05T12:57:00.000+08:00

Will We See A New Hope?

2011-04-27T12:00:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there was only Singtel. Remember when we had no choice but to accept every price and plan they deemed good for us? Then came M1 and Starhub. We now have a choice and things are much better.

Once upon a time, there was only PAP...

Vote wisely my fellow countrymen.

The Void

2011-04-05T02:57:00.000+08:00

Void, empty, hollow inside
My dreams have fled, my hopes have died
Existence has no reason
Life's just passing with each season

She was my life, my hope, my love
All is gone, passed by thereof
The hurt is such no one should bear
What's to life, why should I care?

I weep all night for my love gone
My heart is sick, for death I long
Mine eyes well tears for love that's lost
I'll mourn always for the great cost

But in each day Lord give me hope
Strengthen me so I may cope
Grant me wisdom to help me see
Thy great way and not just me.

Multi-Millionaire Minister vs Jesus

2011-03-30T14:02:00.000+08:00

With the impending elections, came various rhetorics from PAP, the governing party of Singapore. A comment from one of the exorbitantly paid ministers stood out.

Lim Boon Heng talked about how his public life came with "stresses and strains".

"It is in the nature of human beings that people would say all kinds of things. It can hurt you but you have to take it in your stride." says the cabinet minister who sits in the Prime Minister's office (whatever that means). So I'm guessing earning those millions along the way didn't help him much, when placed in a position where he should be serving the nation and not his bank account.

Then drawing attention to the thankless nature of the MP's (Member of Parliament) job, he gave the example from the New Testament (Bible), of what happened when Jesus Christ healed 10 lepers. Only one came back to thank him.

Apparently, Lim (who is apparently a staunch Catholic) is now comparing himself and his fellow PAP office bearers to Jesus. And I'm guessing the lepers are, well, the Singaporean voters. I'm still wondering which bible he is reading, where Jesus was paid a fortune to do what He did.

I'm pretty much speechless.

Torn

2011-01-10T12:00:00.004+08:00

I'm good, I'm bad.
I'm strong, I'm weak.
I'm happy, I'm depressed.
I'm patient, I'm angry.
I'm decent, I'm filthy.
I'm virile, I'm impotent.
I'm funny, I'm lame.
I'm kind, I'm harsh.
I'm carefree, I'm emotional.
I'm apathetic, I'm nosy.
I'm flexible, I'm a control freak.
I'm stoic, I'm senstitive.
I'm loving, I'm lustful.
I'm submissive, I'm dominatng.
I'm playful, I'm flirtatious.
I'm giving, I'm selfish.
I'm sexy, I'm depraved.
I'm right, I'm wrong.
I'm passionate, I'm fixated.
I'm exciting, I'm boring.
I'm persevering, I'm tired.
I'm sensual, I'm disgusting.
I'm alive, I'm dying.

I'm witty, I'm a fool.
I'm quiet, I talk too much.

I'm a blessing, I'm a torment.
I'm cloaked in righteousness,
I'm a sinner.

I'm never the first,
I'm never the last.
I'm loved, I'm an alternative.
I'm at peace, I'm in pain.

I laugh, I cry,
I love, I despise.
I want to live, I want to die.

My face, my mask.
I am me, I am somebody else.
I am a joke, I am not funny.

I want more, I have had enough.

Wrong

2010-09-21T01:00:00.000+08:00

Ever felt like everything you're doing or everything that you are just doesn't quite click?

Count on me, Singapore

2010-08-06T21:15:00.000+08:00

We have no vision for tomorrow,
(We have no eyes, we cannot see)
We have no goal for Singapore,
(We need FT, we need FT)
You and me, we have no part, of the money, cos we're not smart.
We need spurs in our hides, to work day and night.
Can only stop, after we've died.

There is nothing down the road that we can strive for,
We are told that we are daft and ignorant lor.
Our government, full of hot air,
it's a feeling we all share,
we work like animals, for Lee and P A P...
There's no reprieve, there's no reprieve.

Chorus:

Count on me, Singapore. (X 2)
Pay money, give my life till no more.
So our ministers can earn even more.

Together Singapore, Singapore. (X 2)

----

Happy National Day 2010. :)

Insignificance

2010-05-06T03:00:00.000+08:00

The light dazzles my eyes

Basking me in its beauty

Spears rupture my soul

Something bleeds within me

My mind clings to hope

Hands clinging to sand

I am nothing worthy

To the very end.

Emptiness

2010-04-30T01:00:00.000+08:00

But I shall yet not die

For hope still keeps me alive

That my eyes may yet set

themselves upon you.

What is the true City's Harvest?

2010-04-03T09:00:00.000+08:00

I'm not too sure if the image was altered, since doing a search in Facebook shows that Kong Hee of City Harvest hid most of the information below from "non-friends".

But it was interesting to note, that his website, and his profile http://www.konghee.com/www/kong-hee-profile/ (as seen today) lists his occupation as... *drumroll* Businessman.

If the image above is true as well, then its plain to see who he considers his true employer to be.

Matthew 6:24 - "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon."

It is ultimately interesting that the only recorded incidents of Jesus' demonstrated wrath and anger was over the Temple market. Bearing in mind that these were services that were made to facilitate and service worshippers, Jesus had very little tolerance of it, and describes it plainly as making His Father's house into a den of thieves, or house of mechandise.

This is found in ALL four gospels.

Matthew 21:12-13, Mark 11: 15-17, Luke 19: 45-46 and John 2: 13-17.

While there are many others like him who do the same in their churches and buildings of worship, I am hopeful that there are those who will remain true.

I Journey On

2010-03-12T00:00:00.003+08:00

Some people live their dreams,
Some people close their eyes,
Some people’s destiny passes by.

Sometimes, what we think is the destination, turns out to merely be a waypoint. Choices made, not necessarily by our doing or decision along with serendipity has moved me along to realize the truth of reality.

It is never easy to never look back, to the waypoint that would have been the destiny. I guess there comes a time when I have to accept that I am merely a point along your track of life, and then it would be silly for me to imagine or hope that my destiny lies with you.

I suppose there always lies an innate hope, albeit selfish, in people who have moved on in their lives, expecting the people left behind to hold on to the emptiness of a false or dark destiny. But I think it is time I moved along with my life too, just as I can see you have, instead of clutching at straws while drowning in the stagnant waters you left behind.

Someday, perhaps, paths might meet again. Perhaps if they do, we will walk together again, even if it’s for a little while. Perhaps destiny loops, perhaps when forever is through, I’ll be over you. But dreams just shouldn’t be placed in a probability. You can’t be the last, if you cannot last.

God bless, and may you find joy in your new waypoints of life and live in a happy destiny.

My destiny awaits. I journey on.

Rights Aren't Always Right

2010-02-19T19:00:00.020+08:00

Reportedly, Singapore recently saw at least 85 people, including filmmakers Sun Koh and Royston Tan (frankly, I have no idea who they are) have lodged police reports over the long Chinese New Year weekend. This was against the local pastor of some church (Lighthouse Evangelism), Rony Tan’s comments about homosexuals and lesbians in an online video, in which he interviewed an ex-lesbian.

I am so touched by the fact that while most of us enjoyed and spent quality time with our familes and loved ones, our homosexual community decided to take precious time to do such a heartwarmingly gay act, by hunting down old videos from the archives of a website they would normally avoid. Perhaps they thought it would be a firecracker of an idea in the midst of gaiety.

It all apparently stemmed from a certain Kenneth Tan who maintains a blog while working in Shanghai. I guess he felt it was his righteous calling to sift through a church’s website (likely maintained for the use of and updates for the church’s members) to extract anything which he would find offensive and hopefully cause a furore from a public that was once largely uninterested in an old entry in the church’s archive. I suppose his motives to focus and encourage public enmity a particular religious organisation’s belief in what was right or wrong, is somehow not seditious.

So it goes that the police reports were made, because homosexuals were provoked by a religious group within the confines of that religious facility. I can certainly see how a public tirade against the religious group’s private (more or less) statement of belief is less provocative. Kinda like someone who claims his nose is offended by someone else’s massive diarrhoea in a public toilet, by taking pictures of the latter and displaying it in public with shouts of indignant righteousness.

Royston said his decision to make a police report, was because this would be a “good opportunity to kick-start a debate in the public square.” Posting his actions on Facebook, the rest of the sheep followed up with similar reports, despite not having been involved at all. So it would seem homosexuals and their supporters think it is wrong to proselyte religious views in a religious congregation, but it’s cool when proselytising their anal rights in public. Hooray for logic going down the proverbial chute.

Sun Koh, award winner for her film "Dirty Bitch" (hopefully it isn't autobiographical), seeks an apology for these comments which were not even directed at her. Maybe someone can also make a police report claiming offence with her film's title. We certainly have the capacity to find offence in everything, don't we?

Kenneth the 'righteous' ferret for 'offensive' material to homosexuals, reportedly asked in another article, “The Sedition Act prohibits speech that promotes ‘feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races or classes of the population of Singapore’. This will be a good opportunity to test the government just what it means by ‘different classes’. Are sexual minorities considered a ‘class’?”

Yes, they are, Kenneth. In Singapore, last I read the statutes, they’re considered a criminal class. :P Perhaps I should suggest that anytime we happen to encounter homosexuals indulging in anal love (especially in public toilets), maybe we can also begin exercise our rights and call the police. Believe me, these 'loving' rendezvous by homosexuals are not uncommon occurrences. Yet tolerance by the general public and the authorities' not following up with the law at all, seems to be considered intolerant and discriminatory by the homosexuals who blatantly flout and publicise their activities.

For every homosexual point or ‘fact’ to state its normalcy and place in nature, there is an alternate point of view. But of course, to state them would be intolerant because the homosexuals tolerate only one point of view. Theirs. What a farce.

However, on another front, such a fight for the rights of an alleged “minority class” could possibly turn out to be a blessing for many other “minority classes”. After all, should we discriminate against others and only allow homosexuality free reign? That would be unfair wouldn’t it?

Kleptomaniacs should form their own groups and demand for non-discrimination. Struck by a disorder by no fault of theirs, they should not be condemned or punished for stealing, which is after all a symptom of what they are.

Science has also shown that a specific gene has a role to play in certain numbers of men who react with compulsive violence. Come on, let’s accept them and what they do. After all, they were born to be violent. They should be allowed to beat the shit out of any willing party, if another ‘class’ is allowed to stir up shit, in more ways than one.

In fact, I was born naked. I should demand my rights (and anyone’s for that matter) to be free of any clothing wherever I go. Why should any righteous moralist’s belief stop me from being myself? If we were meant to wear clothes, we would emerge from our mothers’ wombs with naturally made ‘clothes’, wouldn’t we?

Homosexuals like to supplement claims to their 'rights' due to existence and approval in certain cultures, yet they find it offensive to be compared to any other form of sexual deviancy that may also be found in other cultures. What about the people from cultures or countries where the legal age of consent for sexual activity is below 16? Let’s look at some information Wikipedia provided.

• Some countries in Africa allow it from ages 12 to 13 onwards.

• Japan’s and South Korea’s age of consent is 13.

• China’s ok with 14,

• Countries in South America and Bangladesh are happy with 13 and 14 year olds.

• Saudi Arabia recognised a marriage involving an 8 year old girl.

Paedophilia is horrid, yet, in this context, where are we to draw the line? Should only the homosexuals be given the right to draw whatever line they choose, or make any definition to suit their rectal tastes?

How about bestiality or zoophilia? Even the homosexuals shun comparisons with this deviant minority. I would dare say they ironically but happily discriminate the ‘rights’ of just such a practice which is legal in countries such as Belgium, Cambodia, Denmark, Hungary, Mexico, Russia, and Switzerland. In fact Finland, Germany and Sweden legalised sex with animals in recent years, right along with legalising homosexuality. Isn't it interesting that many of these are the so-called progressive countries? So is Pastor Rony or anyone wrong in pointing out that permitting one backdoor to open would lead to the possibility of opening doors to which even the homosexual would claim aversion?

So should we just endorse or approve of any act, which goes against our inherent beliefs, religious or otherwise? Tolerate yes, but I refuse to see why anyone should endorse or approve of something they cannot accept. I get indecent proposals and disgusting gropes by homosexual men, despite courteously telling them to back off. Have I been silly in tolerating their behaviour, which offends my very being? Hey, I should also start making police reports, before gay pride skidmarks our landscape.

Aww look, the world can only be better with propagating gay love, can it not? Tsk.

We should accept people regardless of what they may be, but not necessarily what they do. There is a difference between what or who we are and what we do. It’s called choice.

And now, it would seem the one minority that everyone seems to agree can be abused with impunity and without penalty, is the religious believer. More precisely, Christians. So much for our national pledge eh?

Addendum:

An interesting note about the International Lesbian and Gay Association, which is like an umbrella group of hundreds of homosexual movements and groups.

In the 80's they included homosexual pedophile groups like NAMBLA. In fact it even passed a resolution in 1985 which stated that "young people have the right to sexual and social self-determination and that age of consent laws often operate to oppress and not to protect."

Then during a massive public outcry against pedophilia in the 90's, the ILGA suddenly distanced themselves and homosexual groups began to repeatedly state that they find child sexual abuse abhorrent and immoral, and that relationships between the two camps are mostly invisible, if not non-existent.

Interesting isn't it? I guess there really isn't any link between homosexuality and pedophilia, is there? :P

iCan't iHelp iT

2010-01-28T16:30:00.004+08:00

With so much hoohaa over another overpriced iDud. I couldn't help but think an iTShirt would just be the perfect thing to go with it. Admittedly I wouldn't mind having the iPad from Apple, but only if its a gift or if I could buy it at a really really low price.

The ladies might find this more suited. :P The iPanty.

Forgettable

2010-01-20T14:30:00.002+08:00

It was a day no different from any other. One that is entirely forgettable, yet time insists I go through the motions of breathing and sensory awareness. I've stopped wondering, it's tiring to process the thoughts that constantly run through my mind like rampant nudists over a patch of dying grass. My brain feels like that patch of grass.

I thought I'd take a long walk, to perhaps find a moment in time that I might not quite forget. It was a glimmer of hope that felt as bright as a glimmer in the puddle of mud left in the sun. Something that lasts forever, only in the span of a very finite time.

Walking along the sidewalk, I find myself making a very momentous decision. I thought I'd get a haircut. With the current intricacies and excitement of my life, a haircut is quite akin to sex for a virgin. Perhaps I could also buy some stuff, some toiletries, or just something. I thought that might be nice. Perhaps it might even be quite like foreplay to the previous analogy.

I finally reached an area where shops gathered to prey on wandering shoppers.

As I browsed through one (a shop, not a shopper), I made mental targets of toiletries available. They should last me quite a while, considering I've not found a reason to use them for some time. Very forgettable times.

Looking at the barber next door, I thought I should probably get the haircut first, but maybe I should walk a little more, at the very least, to the ATM for some extra cash. I remembered I had some, but I knew it would be quite some time before I bothered walking here again. And I'd rather have some cash left after paying for the haircut and stuff. So as I reached into my pocket, I headed towards the machine and made a discovery that would change my plans for the day, instantly.

I had forgotten to bring my wallet.

Fuck.

Alamak!

2010-01-06T18:00:00.003+08:00

Reading about our neighbouring country Malaysia and it's religious turmoil over the use of the term "allah" by non-muslims is pretty amusing. First, the government bans its use by non-muslims, apparently due to the fact that muslims are easily misled or might misunderstand any such references in any form or perhaps even in conversation and thus lead them astray. I guess these adherents of islam have just admitted to being rather ignorant and naive even in their own knowledge and beliefs, that a simple reference can cause such confusion.

The courts then overturn the ban, pointing out that it is unconstitutional. The government appeals and the ban is reinstated again. Drama!

There is an easy solution, why not ban muslims from using the term "God", along with the ban on non-muslims using "allah"?

Simple, isn't it? That way, no one would ever be confused. Once and for all, in Malaysia at least, everyone will not misundestand and get misled into linking allah to God, and God to allah. Wouldn't that just be peachy?

Malaysia Boleh! Come on, you can do it. :-P

Lest any ignoramus fails to read the ridiculous within this post, and tries to imply within their own feeble minds, some kind of "hate" is present here. I am simply pointing out the sheer idiocy of a government stirring up religious sentiments all by their own able selves.

Something Good

2010-01-02T13:00:00.001+08:00

A song written by a friend, sings my soul's cry.

You come back to your room

You switch on yellow night lights just beside the bed

You draw the curtains close

You lie down in your clothes and try to sleep instead

You put your hand across

You feel a cold where a good warmth used to lie beside

You lie down in the light

The short hand of the hour just has passed you by

You know there's something missing, from this place

A little something missing, you can't face

You know there's something dying, in this place

A little something crying, in this space

There's a trace

Of something good.

The sun peeks through the gap

You never got the rest that you needed for this day

You shower in a daze

You're wondering if this life has just faded to the gray

Broken pieces on the floor

You throw out with the rest of the life you had before

You walk out through the door

And glance back to the place that was home and so much more

You know you need to move on, from this place

You know you need to be gone, and replace

Of all the things you wanted, there's no space

To keep a piece of mind, of that face

Not a trace

Of something good

- Hamdan Selamat

ú-chebin estel anim

Exclusive Exclusion

2009-12-31T06:00:00.002+08:00

Several months ago, while chatting with online, Mickey was sharing a joke that a mutual good friend Donald had just told him. I mentioned that we should all get together for a drink, since we hadn’t done that for a while. Mickey said I could ask Donald myself, since Donald is online too. I asked if Donald was “appearing offline” and shot an invite to Donald at the same time. Mickey informs me otherwise. Donald was available for chat. Then a couple of minutes later, Donald appeared online.Donald told me Mickey said we should go for a drink. I said ok and we did, later.

Cool, I just found out Donald had blocked me online that day.

It was weird, but it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t particularly initiate chats unless I actually have something I need to say. We had hardly chatted online too, so figuring that I was exclusively blocked for some reason, I didn’t see a need to keep Donald in my list.

A few weeks ago, a chat window popped up onscreen. It was Donald, who asked if I wanted to get together for dinner with some friends. We chatted a little, and Donald mentioned we hadn’t chatted online for quite a while. I told him I’m always contactable, and besides he had my number. I also told him, he could always feel free to chat with me when he wanted to, when I was online. Donald laughs and said I could say hi too. I laughed and told him I had already removed him from my contact list on MSN.

I haven’t heard from Donald since. *LOL*

It’s normal that friends may maintain an interest in their friends’ lives. Many of us keep tabs on friends online, even if we may not have contacted each other for some time. That’s why many of us maintain blogs or profiles on networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, Twitter or Plurk. We're updating our friends on our lives or thoughts and getting updates from them whenever.

Privacy is important and fair. We could have profiles that we don’t want the general public to see and so we keep it to only our friends and family.

If there is something I’d rather keep to myself, I wouldn’t even put it up.

But having a special mention in a block list is just a tad too special. I maintain blocklists for a reason. But I also know its quite impossible to truly block anyone in particular, so I only do it when it’s a spammer or someone I do not wish to see at any time. Imagine for example, being told of something a good friend posted online. Only to discover anyone can see it, except you. Yes, that means you’ve been exclusively excluded. I’m sure you’d feel very special too. :-P

When someone I consider a good friend etc, exclusively marks me out for a special mention in a block list somewhere somehow, I don’t think I need to give an explanation on why I lose interest in anything that person does or goes through.

I’m there if I’m needed as a friend, but on my own time and left to my own devices I won’t bother to preoccupy myself with the Donalds in my life. Or presumably out of my life.

A Special Wish For You

2009-12-24T01:00:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas darlin'

We're apart that's true

But I can dream and in my dreams

I'm Christmas-ing with you

Pub Wars - Part 1

2009-12-12T00:00:00.001+08:00

A long long time ago (ok, so it wasn't really that long),
in a galaxy far far away (ok ok, so its really a pub thats not really that far away either)...

Liam Neeson made a secret visit to a pub where I was chilling out. Ok so its just someone who looks like him, but it just made me feel like Yoda.

Since its unlikely I'd see the real ones, my next hope is to see other lookalikes. Examples would include Jessica Alba, which would just give me a fantastic time. And yes, Megan Fox, who'd hopefully play with my bumblebee and make me feel like Optimus Prime.

The force is in me. Now who wants to play with my lightsaber?

2009 - Year of the Bull

2009-12-10T18:00:00.004+08:00

And the bull sure had a great time decorating every patch of greenery in my life with dung. It’s been a delightful year with thrills that can only be felt by an eunuch watching porn.

People have been asking me, so what have I been up to lately?

Well, I’ve been breathing. It’s a really exciting hobby. All the thrills of a roller coaster running on a meter long track. Usually I would go for the common enjoyment of drawing breath through my nose, but sometimes I feel really adventurous and draw deep gulps of air with my open mouth.

Just the other day, I sneezed. You can imagine how incredibly awesome it was. Almost like the memorable coughing fit I had several weeks ago. The release of phlegm was truly the epitome of fun in wild October. One could almost say it was orgasmic. I would, if I could remember what an orgasm is. For all I know, the phlegm could’ve been dead zombie sperm that got bored sleeping and broke out of their hibernation pods below the old rusty rocket.

Breathing can be a wonderful hobby. I do it all the time, even in the midst of other fun activities. Just the other day, I was so engrossed in breathing; I stayed up all night watching a two-hour long cinematic excrement on TV. The movie was so exciting I almost wanted to stab myself. But I was too engrossed with breathing and too lazy to move my butt.

Won’t be long now, before Christmas arrives. I’ve a good feeling this holiday season will be exceptional. The anticipation is akin to the thrilling wait for an elevator to arrive while standing in the wrong building. In fact, the only thing that could beat this feeling would be the New Year. I await the coming of 2010, like a constipated man waiting for diarrhea.

The downside of my wild uninhibited lifestyle (as anyone can see from my wild activities described above), is that very few people can accept my unbridled passion for life. Even my shadow refuses to talk to me now. But so what, everybody leaves, I don’t care anymore. I greet each new day with the same unbridled kick everyone gets when they enter a toilet cubicle right after some fucker, who didn’t flush.

Die, you motherfucking bull.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

2009-12-09T00:00:00.002+08:00

What once was, will always be.

Love never ends,

even if memories are all I can see.

I'm glad to know you're happy.

May joy and blessings be upon you.

I love you.

But it doesn't matter anymore.

I will lie to myself from now on,

and forevermore...

Waves of Oblivion

2009-09-21T18:00:00.000+08:00

The huge waves at the foreign beach have always been, and still are an irresistible draw to my every sense. The feel of the ocean’s power and the relative safety of its surf and so much more, makes me want to return every year, whenever I can.

A single look at its beauty, pulls at my every fibre. Drawing me towards its embrace.

Perhaps it was only eventual that I discovered the other side of its siren call. Bliss and pure thrill, turned into an everlasting moment of non-realisation that I could have drowned and be with my beloved sea. Forever.

The low tides, brought upon a tremendously strong rip current, which I normally never had a real problem with. Swimming against the current, and trying to swim with the waves had totally exhausted me out, but I just kept going and eventually reached a friend who managed to pull me closer to shore.

I never thought I might have died, nor was I overly concerned, except that my mind seem singularly focused on swimming back to shore, to life. That perhaps I might hold you again.

I could have probably died. But I am alive.

You draw me irresistibly whenever I see you, as little as it may be now. You have a new life now. Perhaps an ocean away from my dead pond. And I can feel the chasm you have put between us even when you are near. Perhaps I am a fool. Perhaps I am human. And perhaps, I am just caught in the waves again.

I am happy to watch the waves from afar. Perhaps I shall return to the waves soon, when I can. I am unable to tolerate this cold cave and this life if I had not a hope to see the beautiful ocean once more.

But this time, I no longer have a reason to swim back to shore. Perhaps the waves can bring me away, someday.

A Little Bird Told Me ...

2009-09-08T18:00:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, just sometimes,
something happens.
Something that makes u smile
and forget about what you could never seem to forget.

At least, for a little while.

As always, I was just going through the now humdrum road of life, waiting to step into the pothole of death. My stomach commandeered my body and made me cook some porridge for lunch. As I was bringing the steaming hot bowl of porridge to eat at the table, something flew around my head. First reaction was to duck and wonder, "WTF! How the hell did a cockroach grow that big?!". It was fluttering all around my shoulders and back of my neck, and I was surprised I didn't drop the bowl of porridge, while doing my startling "avoid the big bug attacking my head" kung fu technique.

Then it flew away for a while and stood on the window sill. It was a bird. A cute little dark yellow bird (of which species, I do not know), which looked like a pet someone may have kept. I put the bowl down, and again it flew to me, and this time I stood still and watched as it landed on my shoulder and just stood there. I felt like a sissy pirate.

I thought I'd lead it to the window and let it fly away, but it didn't. It flew to me wherever I went. Perching on my hand, my arms and my shoulders whenever it got close to me. It was just too adorable. I took a small tray of water and placed it at the table, and it went ahead to take a drink and even bathed and splshed around in it for a while. Then I cooked a spoonful of rice and fed it on another tray. Placing the small tray of rice on the table as well, I put some grains into my palm. Amazingly, it flew onto my hand instead of the tray. After feeding it for some time, I went about my own business and it followed me into every room I went. It was just a really nice feeling again to feel "wanted". Haha.

Then I decided to sit down and just spend some time with it. Sadly (and ironically), it then decided to fly away. In the space of an hour, it came, cheered me up and then, it was gone.

Its pretty amazing how a little bird can brighten a day, even for a short moment in time. But its something I can learn to keep in my mind and cherish, I guess.

Perhaps God wanted me to smile again. Thank you my Lord. And perhaps also to remind me, that nothing in this world can truly give me any longlasting or everlasting joy. To remind me that I was just being a fool. Perhaps it was a fool who smiled today, even for a little while. But it was something. A little nugget of gold, along this putrid road of life.

Nobody stays, they all leave, in the end. And most likely even way before the end. But still, I will remember it, and also thank the Lord that He gave me something.

Anything.

Everything.

Losing Everything

2009-07-06T06:00:00.002+08:00

Silence with glowing hatred
With that I bled
Refusing to go through with it again
Can't do anything but remain.

Everything is always against my will
Wanting promises to fulfill
Having no shred of hope
Knowing I could never cope

Nothing worth fighting for
Wouldn't eat anymore
Losing my self esteem
along with my happy dream

Faces in the mirror
Wishing it to be clearer
After all, I'm nothing
from losing everything

- Grace Angelia

Tainted Soul

2009-05-03T00:00:00.001+08:00

A pain and anguish within,
Hidden deep inside.
None but few would know
of its stain marking my life.

Like a wound so deep,
It wrenches and writhes.
Like nothing I have felt,
Unendingly draining as I live.

Time and prayer helps it heal.
Perhaps. I prayed. Someday.

Cutting in precision,
Jabbing in deliberation.
You rip at my pain
With a heart aching intention.

My agony inflamed,
It festers and bleeds.
Never shall I blame,
Yet no longer can I be healed.

AWARE Wasn't Aware

2009-04-20T00:00:00.002+08:00

Its amazing how something can be blown so far out people’s asses, that it hits the faces of everyone and raises a stink best kept private. But a recent non-issue became so widely reported everywhere in Singapore that it sticks out like a turd unwilling to leave the anus.

So much has already been written on the “takeover” of AWARE, a feminist organization which claims to be champions for women’s rights. I have no wish to say anything about their usefulness or redundancy, relevance or otherwise. And I won’t need to make any comments over the outcry over a legal change in leadership. All I can say is they left their asses wide open to get shafted.

Why am I using so many analogies to buttocks? Well, this issue is apparently very important to butt pounders (and perhaps their female counterparts). Or did I hear someone say turd burglar? Though frankly, in Singapore, I believe lesbians have no law to really worry about, in the indulgence of their lifestyle.

Personally, I have no issues with gays. Though I am pissed that they should have stolen a happy, bright and lively word and made it gay.

Without going into my own spiritual beliefs, I do not go around provoking people living a lifestyle which I may or may not approve. People can slice their dicks for all I know or care in the privacy of their own homes, as long as they do not bother me or others that remain blissfully unaware.

Homosexuals love to decry anyone who disagrees with their lifestyle. Moaning like bitches as if someone shoved something up their proverbial butts. Though I think they might actually enjoy it. I say, if you open up your butthole in public, it’s not surprising if someone comes along and kicks your ass.

Tolerance means you tolerate. It doesn’t mean absolute acceptance or having to welcome or like it. If someone farts in the elevator, it may be something that cannot be helped or averted, and so we tolerate it. It doesn’t mean we have to like it and start encouraging a “farting in elevators” lifestyle.

Nobody bothered much about the homosexual issue, and despite it being against the law in Singapore, we don’t see gays being rounded up in prisons. Try living in Saudi Arabia or some middle eastern country and see what they'll do to you if they even suspect you're gay (and I don't mean happy). Why don't you pack your butts and try protesting for your rights there? Or are you only brave enough to fight where the field is filled with people who are actually tolerant?

Homosexuals are spearheading a movement for their ‘legal’ rights wherever they can with their bullhorns. Not that nobody knows who they are or that anyone started a homo war, but they wanted legal rights such as “marriage” between people of the same gender.

There you go, another attempt to hijack a perfectly good word and concept for their own. Isn’t it obvious that people who do not agree will speak out as well? If only to preserve their beliefs and principles? Homosexuals seem to think they have a monopoly on “rights”. What about the rights of others to keep and hold on to their beliefs? If it is a “right” to believe that homosexuality is normal, why is it then not a “right” for others to believe it is wrong?

Infringements into areas previously not meant to be touched, seem to be a favourite activity for homosexuals.

Many use the term “human rights” like it was some kind of mantra. Lets be honest here, human rights constantly change according to society over time. And it isn't always what I would term as progress.

I can only imagine. Lets open the floodgates then. Sure, make homosexuality a legal norm now. While it was once considered something else in the past, sure lets say its perfectly fine now. After all, they were “born that way”, a “lifestyle choice” and etc. Well, lets remember that there are still many other “alternative” lifestyles considered taboo now and many of which would even disgust our homosexual “human rights” mantra chanters.

Once upon a time, it was normal for a penis to penetrate only a vagina, as my biology class would tell me. Then it became seemingly normal to penetrate assholes (pun? Who cares?) as well. What’s next, sex with animals? It is possible you know. After all, they can claim they were born to love an ape, a cow, horse, sheep or a dead chicken. Get "scientific" studies to publish journals on the normality of sucking a donkey's cock etc. The same arguments used by the homosexuals can also be used by these animal fuckers. And then after that? What if pedophiles began fighting for their “rights” too?

Give me a break. You have your views, I have mine, and others have theirs. If you want to throw shit at people with disagreeable opinions, then expect the same shit to get shoved back into your experienced ass. Try to take over somebody's turf? Then don't act all pissed when yours get invaded too.

If homosexuals and their stalwarts want to preach human rights and tolerance, I would strongly suggest they remember it goes both ways (though personally preferably not up the butt). It takes two hands to clap, not two “swords”. Don't talk smack about disagreeable people who speak out against your beliefs, when you can't shut the fuck up about them as well. Its like complaining about someone farting in the next stall while you are taking a dump in a toilet.

And since the “old guard” of AWARE reportedly states that they do not discriminate, then why seemingly discriminate against women who believe purely in a traditional marriage and family values? Are the homosexuals the only ones allowed to preach? While they figure support for lesbians would be a part of their cause for women, I guess they somehow forgot that the women who disagree with promotion and support for homosexuality, are women too. Tsk.

I am mostly fine with gays and lesbians. I have friends who are just that. I like most of them personally even if I may not be comfortable with their lifestyles, but we know our boundaries. It’s only when I get propositioned by gays when it’s so obvious I am not, or even when I blatantly say I am not interested, that it opens a door to utter irritation (an understatement). And let’s just say it’s not an infrequent occurrence.

I tolerate it. To say the least.

So please keep away from our traditions and beliefs, and quit waving and poking around where you’re not supposed to, and we’ll refrain from shoving it back into your ass. And not in a way you are accustomed too.

Great Expectations... & Pompous Assumptions

2009-04-15T14:00:00.004+08:00

Social stratification and the determination by certain elitists to hang on to their presumptuous station in life is as always, ever so prevalent.

Witness the troubles of the beautiful and friendly Thais which began several years ago, and you'll see an excellent example of elitist hypocritical snobs determined to claw on to a very shaky precipice of power and wealth. In the rise of a previously sufferable obedient majority, its pretty obvious things are going to get worse, especially when the old elitist guard sees no benefits in majority rule. So much for democracy huh?

The current unelected leaders' promise and actions in reconciliation efforts would seem to be only applicable if they remained in power.

I love Thailand and its people for the times I’ve spent there vacationing. And I sincerely hope to see a resolution, which I think should ultimately be left to themselves.

But that’s not what I am really going to say. I just needed to set the stage for certain leaders of our own country, Singapore. I keep wondering if a similar situation might occur here, and the way things are going in this materialistic and hedonistic attitudes found in many of our own self proclaimed ‘elite’, I suppose it’s only a matter of time.

Just listen to them. And read between the gilded lines.

Reportedly, George Yeo lamented (or blogged) about the sad conditions of the current situation in Thailand. The interesting part I read that shone out like a like the headlights of oncoming garbage truck (and most certainly smelled that way) can be found in the following paragraph quoted from his blog. Go search for it, if you must. I don’t see why I should provide a link to such pomposity.

“PM (Lee Hsien Loong) was told by the Thai Government that he and the Singapore delegation should evacuate by sea, to be ferried by small boats to a nearby LST which would take us to Sattahip naval base. From there we could drive to U-Tapao. It all seemed quite unseemly to me that leaders and ministers had to leave in this way. But anyway we packed our belongings and waited for instructions since the Thais were responsible for our security. Happily we were informed around 3.30pm that the demonstrators had dispersed and we could travel by road to U-Tapao with full dignity.”

Even in an supposed emergency evacuation, he was concerned with his ‘dignity’ as if his tenure and status was some God-given right and privilege. I cannot even find the words now to convey certain feelings and thoughts swimming in my mind.

If I were in-charge of evacuation and faced with this man, I would show him a very dignified finger (I didn't say which one, so feel free to assume and I can feel free to agree or deny) and make him sit with the cargo, behind the pets and animals (which would probably be more appreciative in being brought to safety in any manner whatsoever).

And this is probably the true face of our ‘leaders’, behind their friendly (keep voting for me so I can be what I am and continue to enjoy what I have) smiles.

General trivia for the day;

The magnificent Rafflesia Flower is a wonder to behold, until you smell it. Reportedly, it smells like a corpse and attracts carrion flies for pollination. It is also a parasitic plant without any leaves, stems and roots. It has only nutrient-absorbing threads to absorb nutrients from the host on which it lives.

April. Fools. Everywhere.

2009-04-01T18:00:00.003+08:00

I wasn’t entirely bothered by today being yet another major non-event “celebrated” by people from all over. Yes, April Fools’ Day, another day that is nearly on par with Valentine’s Day.

You either hate it, or love it. Or if you’re like me, you don’t really give a fuck or remember. Until several people I know started having their jollies at another person’s expense. Someone I know played an “I’m back in town, let’s get together ‘prank’” on her friends. I wonder how excited they’d behave when it really happens. Hahaa. People don’t like to be fooled twice.

And if you are within my circle of friends, you’d have a friend’s birthday today. Which makes me wonder about the countless jokes his parents, doctors and nurses could’ve been playing that very day he was born.

Some brave souls may want to try going down to their neighbourhood provision shop (grocery shop, for you foreign readers). Order lotsa shit, make’em carry several bags of rice for you to the cashier, bundle several loose items together etc. And when its time to pay, just laugh and shout “April Fool!”.

There’re always better uses for each situation. Why not make use of the day? Are you feeling lonely? Or just plain curious? Or maybe you’re a horny goat with blue balls? Ever wondered if that lady friend of yours had a secret desire to shag you? Or perhaps just a minor “ok, I don’t mind him humping me if I had no one else when I’m high and horny” demeanor?

Ask them today. If the answer is not positive, it’s an April Fools’ prank. If it is, well, I’m sure you know what to do.

And ladies, of course, fear not, especially if you’re reading this. After all, you could take this joke further. You could even stretch the positivity in this situation even longer. Leading him on all the way, making him strip himself. And then shouting “April Fool” at his soon-to-be rapidly diminishing manhood.

I’m staying home during this day of festive idiocy.

Oh wait, I’ll play a little prank on my sofa later, I’ll tell it I’m not going to be sitting on it today. And then sit anyway. Yeah, lame. That’s what I think of April and fools.

Lights Off For Earth?

2009-03-24T12:00:00.001+08:00

I’ve been seeing lots of people pushing for Earth Hour, Earth Day, Save The Earth etc. lately, due to the approach of Earth Hour 2009. If you haven’t got a clue, Google is a good place to start.

Most seem intent on spreading a fastidious message in getting anyone and everyone to switch off their lights, be it in their homes or offices on a particular day, at a particular hour.

Personally, I find it perhaps at best symbolic but utterly useless and ineffectual otherwise. Why just the lights? Why not more? If they’re so into using less energy, they should know electric lights in our homes aren’t really the energy guzzlers. And this is just going to give most people a little impression of “oh I feel so good I’m helping to save the earth”, before they go back to being part of the problem. Driving around in a gas guzzler with a bumper sticker to say “Save the Earth” or putting a tag in Facebook makes people feel good. But it’s as helpful as taking a picture of you giving canned sardines to some homeless dude, and walking away after that, thinking you have made an impact on his life.

Let’s just look at Singapore, since different countries may have different extreme energy usage. The villages in certain regions wouldn’t be bathed in electrical lighting anyway, besides various factors and locations.

Imagine looking at Singapore with the lights in the buildings switched off for an hour. Of course HDB flats would still have corridor lights to provide a little consolation. Others may not be so lucky, and it could turn out to be a great time for burglars and other miscellaneous criminals to have a field day or hour. *LOL*

It looks good probably on the outside. But I can imagine the very same people who were made aware of this movement (mostly via the internet), still sitting at their PCs. Guess how much energy the PC uses, compared to that light on the ceiling? Others are probably watching TV. Perhaps the lucky ones will be fucking in the dark for an hour, and probably in a room cooled by another energy guzzler, the air-conditioner. Maybe a bunch of friends or family will be sitting around for an hour in the dark amidst candles having a nice time. And most likely, drinking cold beer or drinks, straight from the (energy guzzling) refrigerator?

How about we tell Mediacorp or Starhub and their ilk to stop broadcasting? That should stop people from watching television for an hour. Then again, someone may get the bright idea that they can watch a DVD anyway.

Or hey, how about we get the Singtel, Starhub and every other ISP or IAP to cut off access to the internet? I imagine some people will still be playing single player games, or working on some office shit they brought home, to save energy in the office.

Hmm, how about we start promoting preserving our foodstuff with salt, or perhaps a huge trough of earth to bury our food? That should save lots from those energy draining refrigerators. But do it wrong and lots of people will be driving energy guzzling cars to the hospital.

Just a few suggestions I guess, and way more useful in saving energy too, but still ultimately impractical.

Don’t ask me for solutions, people are paid to do that (I'm not, so I'll whine for free), and I think they should come up with better ideas. The amount of money spent on these ideas and their promotion thereafter, is just a staggering waste, in my humble and inconsequential opinion.

Fossil fuels (and deforestation) are the driving forces that are leading to global warming. At the same time enriching oil countries and their leeches in the form of multinational companies, with finances and resources that are probably mostly used for more research into how they can continue destroying the earth, be it on a mass scale like the destruction of earth’s environment behind a friendly face, play political games or funding suicide bombers (oh don’t deny me the joy of exposing a little nugget of truth). Ever wonder why many of the countries with the most oil, also have only hot arid deserts as a natural landscape?

People are going to continue with their lifestyles, and even a small change in saving energy isn’t going to solve the problem. At all.

How about spending those massive funds on research and harnessing solar energy? I’m sure current research can do with that money. Expensive perhaps, but isn’t it more worthwhile when the end result is more meaningful than a temporary symbolic darkness?

Wind of Change

2009-02-21T23:00:00.001+08:00

We have all probably faced it. Some time or another. Our outlook, love, friends, jobs and various aspects in life.

The changing scenes, the people coming and going. Never really realising sometimes, what has been, is no longer. We pause at times to wonder where we have been, and where she, he or they have gone. Some of us linger, without fully understanding that what we think still is, just isn't anymore.

By the myriad of reasons and circumstances and decisions, people move on.

Like a dawning moment of watching an imaginary bulb light up in a bubble over my head; I've come to see my redundancy in what was once a probably important or even self-assumed irreplaceable position I once held.

The winds cut into my skin and tears at my flesh, blowing what once was, away. Change has come and I inevitably shall. Someday. When there is naught but ashes for the wind to change.

I don't want to wait for the blooms in an arid desert, anymore.

You Are My Sunshine

2009-02-19T02:00:00.000+08:00

Its sometimes interesting how any song can hit you like a ton of bricks. A song from my childhood, and here, sung by music legends, Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan.

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away...

Oh well.

Music Soothes The Soul

2009-02-16T12:30:00.001+08:00

There is nothing like music, without which, the world would be unimaginably unbearable. The innate ability of a tune to make us reach into every emotion we can possibly feel is just so mundanely normal to most of us, it has become almost like a daily staple of nourishment we turn to, at every turn of our souls.

Haven’t we all cried listening to a song, smiled at the sweet memories from an old familiar one or simply fade into the beauty of a tune that surrounds our senses?

We seek the songs that speak our minds, our hearts and our emotions. Yet we can also find comfort and joy in times of despair and find an errant tear falling even when you least expect it.

So incredibly important as well, is the musician who is able to translate that music onto an instrument in a way that just touches you.

I found, through a link from a friend, a kid from Korea. Sungha Jung is just too incredible for words. I can’t imagine how magnificent he would be with his acoustic guitar when he reaches adulthood.

A whole host of videos of him playing can be found on YouTube and if you love music, you won’t regret going through at least a few of these.

The Other Side of February 14th.

2009-02-14T21:00:00.001+08:00

There is something about today. Despite not ever having celebrated Valentine’s Day, mostly due to the crass commercialisation and jacked up prices for normally reasonably priced stuff, has always been a comfortable and fortunate feeling of having someone around, somehow, who loves you.

It is not surprising many unattached souls feel an intense feeling of loneliness, hoping for the day and night to pass to a new day. Perhaps the acute pain, loneliness and despair will go away tonight with an alcoholic pain-killer. One can only hope...

Sitting by the table, looking at the sky
He wonders where she could be tonight.

Perhaps she has already found another
And the joy and comfort in those arms
In an embrace where his arms once were.
In a past, no longer forever.

Alone, he remembers,
A love so rare.
Now diminished,
She's no longer there.

He pictures her smile
As the skies turn grey,
And he hopes she is happy
Now that she is away.

He misses her,
But he knows,
She is not his,
Not anymore.

May she find her smile
Where she is today,
He closes his eyes
And he fades away.

Top Shaman of Lala Land Resigns

2009-02-11T20:00:00.004+08:00

Holy Chinglee, recognized as one of the most powerful and influential nurses in the healthcare industry, has resigned from her post as chief shaman in the Village Men’s Hospital of Lala Land.

In her tenure as chief shaman, the hospital has been transformed radically into a risk-taking hospital that has gained tremendous strides in controversial steroid use in its treatments for patients. The risks have increased the village hospital’s number of patients seeking treatment, compared to the low-risk approach of previous managements.

The great strides made in healthcare under Holy Chinglee, has been seen in the double to triple growth in muscular size and strength of their patients, since her appointment as shaman. The scrawny patients have become huge powerhouses under the steroid treatments and have been lauded by the village hospital and Lala Land’s elders as a testament to Holy Chinglee’s capabilities and handy talent in making things grow.

Insiders and critics however, have pointed out that along with immense muscular gain, the patients have also begun to loose most of the hair on their heads and gaining a remarkable increase in armpit hair. In recent months, all patients have also discovered an inability to have erections, and the inexplicable loss of one testicle. Many, whose muscular bulks have had raving public exhibitions, have also complained behind closed doors, that they have lost up to a third of their penis size.

In a press statement, the Village Men’s Hospital has denounced steroid manufacturers and vigorously defends its own creed and practice. A hospital spokesman says, “Chinglee has been an inspiration in her time with us. Many men are now able to parade themselves on the dirty beaches of Lala Land in pride, under her care. Despite the small (sic) losses due to external factors for which the hospital cannot responsible, we have advised the men that, they can still achieve and enjoy prostate orgasms through anal probes with help from their lovers or wives.”

Holy Chinglee has also expressed no regrets in her handling of patients and premature release from the hospital.

Speculation is now rife on her next move, and many are wondering if she will continue her radical treatments in private practice, especially on her husband who is the Chief Elder of Lala Land. But anonymous sources have waved off such rumours, saying he does not need such treatments and already enjoys prostate orgasms leisurely.

She has also refused to comment on the possibilities of her induction into the Elder Council, which could see her sitting next to her husband in the treetops of Monkey Hill in Lala Land.

---

Holy Chinglee previously revealed her admiration for Singapore’s Ho Ching (who enjoys much love and support from people who love and support her), and has described the latter as an exceptional role model.
-Unregulated Free Press

Mediacorpus Bastardus

2009-02-10T20:30:00.002+08:00

I have a growing love for Singapore’s free to air Mediacorp’s Channel 5. The likes of which can only be compared to my enthusiasm in getting my scrotal sac being cut off to make a purse.

There is little that I look forward to watching on TV these days, with the gamut of local productions being forced down our throats like mothers feeding their children cod liver oil. Then we have the wonderful host of movie reruns, they now call encore telecasts. Crap by any other name is still crap.

And I’m sure everyone loves reruns of local shows. I love them too, just like I love having my shit shoved up my ass, just so I can defecate them all over again.

Recently, I’ve only really looked forward to the weekly airing of CSI, one of the few shows that are actually interesting to watch, that I’ve never watched before. And tonight is the night it should air. Then I discover, they’re pre-empting it for a delightful local drama ‘Sweet Tapioca Porridge’. Whoop de fooking doo. Here I am waiting to watch a thrilling forensic drama, and I get tapioca porridge. If they want to stick their tapioca into porridge, why can’t they pre-empt some of their own local crappy productions which already dominate primetime through the entire week?

Sure, they may be some pretty watchable local productions (and nonyas or bibiks or babas speaking perfect mandarin just doesn’t cut it for me), but for the love of your viewers’ sanity, don’t intrude on our staple of good international fare after 10pm.

Imagine the hungry thrill of entering a renowned steakhouse only to be told they’re only serving only tapioca porridge that very night.

I hope they get a delightful porridge disease on their tubers.

Away

2009-02-09T01:00:00.004+08:00

I stare out of the windows, into the dark night. Lights from homes around me shine like beacons in the shadows that cover mine. The stars have hidden themselves tonight, refusing to share their radiant beauty above, while glaring surrogates of artificial ones on the streets below vainly attempt to fill their place.

I wonder where, she might be, ignoring probabilities that answer my nostalgic mind. She is away. Not here. The breeze replies. So very far away.

The wind brushes my face; I struggle to let it disperse my thoughts. All it does is scatter my broken mind.

I pretend I can see her. I pretend I am fine. Even as I watch everything crumble, piece by agonizing piece. I think I see her, even when I know it is not. A farcical wait for a new day, knowing I truly seek its dusk and the darkness to rest my charade.

Will she remember me, or think of me, even in irrelevant moments of her life, if I was away. Would she even know? Perhaps, relevance has left, and the wind howls in the empty chambers of my heart. Decaying, cleaved and hollowed by that which has gone away. Away to a life unfettered by me.

Perhaps she will smile. While she is away. I find comfort that she will, and perhaps the stars are with her tonight.

The stars are away tonight. Nothing is here tonight. The wind sings to me tonight, alone in a crowded city of lights.

Life is a Beach

2009-02-08T02:00:00.001+08:00

My ocean of love,
She swells and roars at my approach,
As the waves embrace and cover me.
The splendor of her beauty unbound,
Waning miserably cupped in my hands.

My hopes akin to sand.
Her soft touch soothes my tired feet,
Bearing the heaviness of my entirety.
I reach for its soft touch,
They slip and flow through my fingers.

My dreams illuminated with stars.
Radiating visions of bliss and delight
Into my weary old soul.
Sweet escape that beckons me
Darkens and fades in anguished tears.

Love does not belong to me.

Hope torments me with fading fantasies.

Dreams die in agonizing reality.

Life, is a bitch.

Lord, I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. To be free… even if it’s from me. I want her to find the love she deserves, who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

Self-Regulated Regimes?

2009-02-06T10:00:00.002+08:00

Down in Lala Land, the Senior Elder for the State of Artful Communication of Misinformation, Mr Money Phuck You has described local toilets as ineffective self-regulated regimes.

Speaking in the Elder’s Council situated in the treetops of Monkey Hill, Mr Money cited the example of shit that erupted from various visitors to local toilets after an elder was set on fire in his kitchen, by a grumpy old rickshaw driver, while serving food to needy serfs.

The local toilets were abuzz with the sounds of different sounding farts and droppings, after eating the food served by the elder. Mr Money described some farts as sweet smelling, while criticising others, which he termed as unhelpful and thus not conducive to a public amenity.

“Significant numbers of farts heard were too loud. A small number was downright smelly. It’s disappointing.”

Mr Money added that the toilets’ bulletin boards should have been used to provide information on how to release softer or more melodious farts and how drinking less water may assist in less watery stools that will not stain the toilet seats so kindly donated by the council.

He said, “It is a squandered opportunity for a higher degree of self-regulation. It would have been an example of the genesis of the first step towards a more responsible, a greater self-regulatory regime.

“But many of those farts were not rebutted nor answered. And I think it is not healthy for some of those to crap unsavoury shit in the toilet unchallenged, unquestioned, and unanswered.”

Many in the council nodded their heads in amazement that Mr Money was able to use the word “genesis” in his sentence. All agreed that it was an excellent way to provide a useful double emphasis on the meaning of taking a first step.

Lala Land’s incumbent dynasty is now making more efforts to engage visitors to toilets, after the Advisory council on the Impact of Mushy Stools (AIMS) submitted its proposals in December last year. But it is opting for a cautious and pragmatic approach for now. It is yet unready to face current serfs who enjoy taking a dump in an assorted freedom of styles and personal expression.

Mr Money said that in order to develop a responsible toilet, all parties, including the toilet administrators and toilet goers, have a role to play. He has however not prescribed the methods of playing while in the toilet. Insiders have anonymously let on, that the elder will soon touch on the proper positions to be used while taking a dump. Unacceptable positions such as males sitting down to take a piss may soon be officially frowned upon.

He said; toilet goers and toilet administrators need to maintain credibility, so that the elder council can enjoy their visits to toilets. Apparently, official farts and dingleberries expelled by elders in the council have gained a sweet intoxicating reputation amongst themselves. After all, elders are paid with bananas of the highest quality, and will thus produce only sweet aromatic excrement and pleasing melodic farts.

Differing opinions are generally labelled as silly and ignorant, due to intake of poor quality bananas.

The senior elder also encourages serfdom to pin notes on the bulletin walls of toilets to praise and generally enjoy the farts and floating islands left behind by visiting council elders, who found time to grace the toilets with their officially aromatic shit. He looks forward to all toilet users helping, to establish and enforce norms of acceptable toilet behaviour.

Mr Money also holds the official Lala Land’s commission of Rear Admittance Officer in the elite navel inspection guard. He has cited his admiration for Singapore’s government and RADM Lui Tuck Yew’s commendable efforts in attempts to control the internet and seeks to use similar policies to police disappointing toilet behaviour in Lala Land. He has also often copied speeches made by the latter for his own benefit.

-Unregulated Free Press.

Life vs Work

2009-02-05T16:00:00.012+08:00

Apparently, Nominated Member of Parliament Loo Choon Yong thinks, since Singaporeans aren't spending enough time fucking, to fertilise our women, they should start working longer weeks again.

During the 2009 Budget debate, this very Loo (pun inadvertently intended) tried to flush away what he thought was a turd. Branding the move to a shorter work week by the public sector and then the private sectors in 2004 as an erosion of the Singaporean's work ethic, since he feels we have not improved our fucking skills (or better phrased perhaps as "skills in fucking") in any meaningful way.

The Loo gurgled, "We should accept that as a people our procreation talent is not our forte - nothing to crow about.". Urging the government "to take steps to determine whether our productivity and competitiveness have been affected by the five-day week and to review the policy, if necessary."

Unleashing his own watery stools, he voiced concerns over what he called the "all life and very little work" attitude of the younger generation. Pointing to local newspaper Straits Times reports on how to maximise leave by taking advantage of public holidays that fall near weekends as an indication of an erosion of the work ethics.

With a very typical old generation mentality pervasively found in many of our fathers and local bosses, it would seem work productivity is measured by the number of hours spent in the workplace. Similar to how many loos have a pervasive shit smell.

Many people already spend their off-days at home, working on shit they brought home from the office. I wonder how horny anyone can get when their anuses is choke shoved with that much work. But of course, Loo probably thinks all Singaporeans probably need is a 5-minute poke and cum session (20 minutes or more really is just wasting time and energy with all that grunting and cardiological movements).

I might have added that it could be due to his own personal ejaculative experiences, but I could be wrong.

Perhaps the Loo knows what he is talking about. For all I know, he could be God's gift to women, and can probably fertilise any woman at will, at any given time, in between work. Who knows, perhaps women get incredibly horny and ready to bear babies when looking at him. I wouldn't dare say anything, I'm not a woman and I have never understood them.

Personally, if I were a woman, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't wanna fuck him. But being a man, who knows what women want? Could that be the reason? Perhaps he doesn't want the rest of us to get lucky when he can only resort to self gratification? Just an assumption, and if anyone thinks I'm saying it is so, it is purely misconception on their part. Well, at least that's a form of conception, even if it missed.

All I know is, most of us mere mortals probably need to spend an abundant load of time before our penises even feel the warm breath of a woman's love. Time, which an extra day off on Saturday may not prove sufficient.

We can even throw away Sundays as anything remotely useful, considering many, if not most, poor saps like us spend it cleaning our homes, buying groceries and largely moping around thinking about the dreadful looming Monday. But of course, Loo probably has a maid to do that all for him, while he does his patriotic procreating during commercial breaks on TV. Again, I am only assuming, and I could be wrong. Besides, with so much commercial time these days, our efficient Loo might probably be able to complete his duty and shower too.

So whats wrong with trying to maximise leave by taking advantage of public holidays that fall near weekends, that we might finally actually get some nookie? And may I remind ourselves (yeah, guys, I'm talking about us), most of us probably go back to work with blue balls anyway. Most men who turn up for work on Monday, may have a sullenly frustrated look. Guess why?

Women can have it anytime they want, but us men, well... we are mostly just waiting around for that golden moment. Like hookers in Geylang. And that hardly comes (pun fully intended).

He did try to excuse himself by saying, "I have nothing against our young Singaporeans having fun and partying. But I hope they will work as hard as they play."

All I can say is, when there is too much work, we may somehow find time to play, but we won't necessarily be able to get hard.

Update:
Apparently, the Loo is executive chairman of the Raffles Medical Group. And an ex-staff tells me how they are totally maxed to the core where work is concerned.

Apparently she was always so dried out from work all the time, there wasn't any chance after getting home, that she'd be able to get wet. :P

So, my dear Loo and your fellow rich cronies, you are among the leading causes to Singapore's low fertility rates.

Ballad To The Cavity Where My Heart Used To Be

2009-01-31T12:00:00.003+08:00

Don't... don't close your heart to how you feel
Dream, and don't be afraid the dream's not real
Close your eyes, pretend it's just the two of us again
Make believe this moment's here to stay
Touch... touch me the way you used to do

I know tonight could be all I'll have with you
From now on, you'll be with someone else instead of me
So tonight, let's fill this memory

For the last time
Hold me now
Don't cry, don't say a word
Just hold me now
And I will know though we're apart, we'll always be together
Forever in love

What do you say when words are not enough?

Time... time will be kind once we're apart
And your tears... tears will have no place in your heart
I wish I... I could say how much I'll miss you when you're gone
How my love for you will go on and on and...

Hold me now
Don't cry, don't say a word
Just hold me now
And try to understand that I hope at last you've found
What you've been searchin' for
And though I won't be there anymore
I will always love you

Hold me now
Don't cry, don't say a word
Just hold me now
And I will know though we're apart, we'll always be together
Forever in love

What do you say when words are not enough?

What can I say
When my words are not enough?

Having rediscovered this song from long ago, I find it unbearably painful as it plays to my ears, and wrenches my soul. Yet, I seek that pain like a drug, if only to remind me I am alive. Dreaming of a last embrace, dreaming it would last.

I know not how, but I know I shall live in that moment, a moment that can only probably happen in a dream that I will pretend is real.

A Cynical Calm

2009-01-30T01:00:00.002+08:00

For every wound, a balm.
For every sorrow, cheer.
For every storm, a calm.
For every thirst, beer!

Indeed, a lover that’s always here.
The wonders of beer.

Well, perhaps not so much beer, but I did enjoy couple’a bottles of wine. There is much to say about the perspectives a drink can give a mind like mine.

Realisations of a life my own that no one can really or would really bother with. I’ve always had a satisfying life when I am content. Ambition, covetousness, greed, even hope and expectations almost unquestionably lead your sorry ass down a road to despair and disappointment.

When opportunity knocks, open the door and let it in if you like the looks of it. I figure its best not to even expect anything interesting outside the door, apart from bloody salesmen selling toilet chutes and pairs of Jehovah Witnesses.

I wonder how long this calm can last. Perhaps it’s just the eye of some godly storm, and when the storm is over, there will be nothing left of me. Or what was recognisably me.

Meanwhile, I’m happy to note I do have something I can look forward to. Even after downgrading my mobile phone plan, albeit with a contract, I got a new mobile phone for a fraction of its cost; and it does come with all preferred bells and whistles. I’m just waiting anxiously it to arrive. Now that’s one of the very few things I can be sure expectations would not disappoint. I hope.

Nihil Ex Nihilo

2009-01-28T06:00:00.001+08:00

Sleep was such saccharine comfort. The dark dormancy of a faded life. Dreams were a joy and sweet pretense. I could see you, even if it was just a lie.

Where have you hidden yourself, Mr. Sandman?
Why have you left me awake
When I needed you most?
Where is your sand to blind my despicable consciousness
And allow me sweet repose?

The minutes of welcoming unconsciousness,
Visits me with little comfort.
Where are my sweet dreams?
Why have they left me with naught
But visions of despondency?

I can’t sleep.
I hate my dreams.
Contaminated by emptiness
Stained by darkness.

God made everything out of nothing, and I can see nothingness in everything.

Everything I do, everything I say,
Leads not to where I hope.
Nothing I do, nothing I say,
Leads to naught but the same noose on a proverbial rope.

What do I really want to say today?
Nothing I guess, from where I lay,
I’ll just watch my sanity slip away.

A Lunar New Wreck

2009-01-26T01:03:00.005+08:00

Its been nice and heartwarming to be in the presence of unconditional love. I know I can find it in God, even tho' I haven't been able to feel it through my absent mind, heart and soul. Its just empty. Feels empty, even tho' I know its there.

Family. Thank you God.
Friends. Thank you God.
My light. Thank you. Thank you God.

In the refuge of your arms I seek. I thank you for the moments you allow in my life when I can forget about it all. Rare but much cherished moments.

The moment ends, and I return to face a world of empty walls, meaningless television and webpages. I wait for my light. When I think I finally see it, I see it flicker. I see it. Then I don't know where it has gone. And I don't know why. My chest aches, and my mind ... I don't even know if I have much of that now.

And I'm cursing the motherfuckers burning motherfucking paper incense shit in the stairwell below my home (if I can call it a home). I curse the motherfucking smoke, from all the motherfucking incense and paper burning by the motherfucking bastards, making the air around me a stinking burning thick murky phlegm. I wonder if they are half brained motherfuckers with no sense of neighbourly consideration, conceived by motherfucking inbreeding.

I can feel the emptiness in me being filled with hate. And I hate that its happening so insidiously. I wish the smoke from the motherfucking house of bastards downstairs will thicken tonight as I close my drowning eyes. Perhaps I won't have to wake up to face a dark sunny day anymore.

Eclipse

2009-01-20T20:00:00.002+08:00

Watching the skies,
the prospects of light
lay in cloudy lies.

Darkness prevails
in the waning light.
Dreary blue and grey
is all that’s in sight.

Black emerges,
as the sun is swallowed,
by a shadow that taints
what stands below.

In an incredible affirmation of how incredibly crappy my life is turning out to be, I can look forward to watching the sun disappear for a couple of hours, this very year. And just to make things clear, its even going to happen twice.

It would seem Singapore's skies will darken twice this year. First would be on the first day of the festive Chinese New Year. Whoopie. Finally something remotely interesting is going to happen on Chinese New Year. Excitement builds, kinda like watching your friend about to sit on a whoopie cushion.

I wonder what the pundits of astrology and fengshui is going to come up with for this phenomena. By the way, doesn't fengshui (wind and water) remind anyone of the rushing sounds of a toilet being flushed? And the masters of fengshui who flow in tandem with it, are very likely the turds. Ok, maybe I'm too harsh on them, lets call them dingleberries instead. Sticky crap that refuses to go away without several good wipes. At best, you might find them as useful as fungi being cultivated on your inner thighs.

This would also be a good time to convince people who piss you off, that viewing the eclipse with the naked eye is a good idea. For extra fun, you might even consider pushing the idea of a telescope.

And oh, the next one will occur in July 2009. Whoop de doo.

I can hardly contain my excitement. My life is complete. Somebody crack my skull with a hammer now. Anybody.

I'd Love To Go a-Wandering...

2009-01-02T17:59:00.004+08:00

There is such an overwhelming urge within me to take whatever little essentials I need and the few dollars I have, and simply take the cheapest mode of transportation into the next country. The change and my final absence, would probably even be best for those I love.

I've always wanted to see the world on foot, or as much as my freakishly lazy feet will allow. I wonder, it would be nice to end my last days seeing something new every dawn. To move on from place to place alone without worry of being a worrisome stone or anything in anyone's life. I have long admired the lives of such lonesome wanderers and somehow, I feel myself being drawn to being just such an invisible and unknown shadow on this earth.

There is no true soul I can see, to whom I can truly bare my soul. Everyone sees but aspects of me. Aspects, to even those that matter to me, would have already made them wish I was someone else or just elsewhere *ha*. For only my Lord could probably bear my absurdities and despair, and perhaps I pray He will at least be the One to continue walking by my side.

Family and friends and people I love all have their roads to walk, and I'm beginning to accept these roads diverge. Once these temporal strings now holding me are gone, we will all have lives on separate roads. I wonder if I have that courage. I pray I do, and hope I will. For I wish only the best for all whose paths have came alongside mine thus far. And I pray I've only left lasting marks that would make you smile, and any other would be swept away by the sands of bastard time.

Perhaps, and it looks very soon, that my practical obligations should be settled and the road will open up for me to walk into that sunset.

Ratty Bulls

2009-01-02T17:10:00.003+08:00

Yes, its beginning feel like last year farted a piece of turd for 2009.

While I have no utter belief in the zodiac, last year's rat year sure was ratty. And this year's bull is beginning to seem like it's going to hand me a nice big load of bullcrap as well. I can already feel the black clouds release a nice drizzle of piss.

The feeling of utter uselessness. Pointlessness. Of everything I do or say, or not say or not do. It basically leads only to throwing myself into another heap of dung.

I'm so tired, and filled with desires to meet a speeding bus head on. Though I frankly think that would only land me into yet another pile of shit.

Watching the Witching Hour

2008-12-31T18:00:00.001+08:00

I watch the death throes of a diseased and despondent year. I watch it die in pain and wonder if I should smile. I wonder if it is dying from the pangs of painful labour, or is it a major bout of diarrhea.

I await to see with little hope, watching with eyes overgrown with cynicism. If in its dying push, would it birth a beautiful baby, or fart into existence, a little piece of shit.

Songs of the Morning

2008-12-07T09:00:00.006+08:00

I've been woken up earlier than I would have wanted to, much more often than not, lately. Have you ever felt like dwelling longer in slumber and perhaps escape waking up to yet another day you wished you didn't have to see? Ever just wanted to sleep later, after a late night?

Then you might understand how incredibly happy people get, when they are rudely woken up in any circumstances.

Today, it was the sheer stupid inconsideration of a bridal procession. The noise made in a funeral procession has no qualms in silent curses, since the person is already dead anyway. But to drive in a procession of several cars into a carpark closely surrounded by HDB flats, in the wee hours of the morning, with every car honking away is just going to blow the fuses of the happy couple's neighbours, bathing their happy day with wishes they may not expect.

Tradition may call for loud noisy processions as the groom makes his way to the fetch his bride, but when you logically think about it, they have very good reason to do so. Ancient times saw people living faraway in possibly remote quarters, where the noise can aptly inform the bride and her family of the arriving groom and how soon they will be arriving.

These days. We have mobile phones. Need I say more?

This morning was the third I've experienced in such an early cacophony of honking vehicles, resulting in a rude awakening from a weekend slumber. I covered my head with pillows to muffle the noise which seemed to last forever. It isn't fun to wake up to a migraine. But I could feel it coming. I couldn't take it, I went to the window to look at the circus. I could feel the joy welling up inside me, similar to an untimely moment of diarrhea.

Then the noise got louder, this time a series of shouts and cheers from monkeys in suits who had gotten out and stood outside their cars, while the alpha male chimp strutted before them. Considering how happy they were in sharing their ape calls with everyone (no matter if the neighbourhood may actually need some quiet rest), it was only eventual that others may begin to join in the fun as well.

I could hear loud blessings coming from various windows around the carpark. Blessings of "KAO PEH LAH!"... "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"... "DIAM LAH!!" (and one distinct anatomically correct description of the groom's mother) rang through the neighbourhood. It was a hard not to enjoy such raucous singing (some may even call it rapping or hip-hop) to show sincere appreciation to the monkeys' posturings. One can even imagine the background humming from a multitude of silent wishes and messages sent from other neighbours who may be too shy to publicly show their love.

The groom and his groomsmen must've been very touched by the neighbourhood's impromptu acapella performance in appreciation of their early morning wake up calls, as they stood there in silence, soaking in the love and attention of the rudely awakened neighbourhood.

I couldn't help but smile. I had almost wanted send them a congratulatory message by decorating their bridal car's windshield with a flower pot. But I was too lazy.

A Short Detour From Depression

2008-12-05T10:30:00.004+08:00

Saw something as I made my way home earlier.

Stupid teenagers. Playing with the elevators. One seemed intent on slowing two others from going up and probably home. So he presses the button, everytime the lift nearly closes. Then he uses his foot. Then his hand. And ultimately, he peeks in. Yes, he didn't look very smart.

Yes, the door closes and does a fast clamp on his face. It opens almost immediately. And he groans as he squats by the door, holding his face. I think he broke his nose.

I wanted to help, I wanted to ask if he needed help. But I couldn't. I couldn't breathe. I was laughing too hard.

Sigh.

I think my morbid sense of humour is the only thing keeping me sane now. Or am I? Who cares. I felt alive for a moment. My life is in such a mess. I am absolutely in a mess, its almost laughable. I'm destroying everything I touch, and people I care for are probably among them. Perhaps I should just disappear. Sometimes, packing up that backpack and just walking off into the sunset is just so tempting.

Anyway, his friends pulled him into the elevator and probably brought him home. Yes, they couldn't stop giggling too.

Words. Just words.

2008-12-05T06:30:00.001+08:00

Loss.
Defeat.
Failure.
Nothingness.
Bewilderment.
Depression.
Death.
Cowardice.
Tears.
Pain.
Self.
Destruction.
Loathing.
Fading light.
Fading will.
God.
Take me home.

Masks. And superficiality. That is all anyone will ever see.
I am not me. And for what I have left, I leave only for me.
For you. I shall be.
An illusion of what you want me to be.

And if even that is unsatisfactory.
I already know forever is not to be.
Perhaps oh Lord. In eternity.

Myself, my echo, my shadow.
Only true companions I know.

Lost

2008-11-07T03:46:00.001+08:00

How does one live?
Knowing death will come?
How does one love?
When told it will end?

Will the measurements of joy bear the pain that is to come?
How do I live without you?
Perhaps in my dreams,
perhaps in a sleep that never ends,
I will see forever.

In My Dreams, In My Wake

2008-10-12T12:15:00.004+08:00

There was a time some time ago
When every sunrise meant a sunny day, oh a sunny day
But now when the morning light shines in
It only disturbs the dreamland where I lay, oh where I lay
I used to thank the lord when I'd wake
For life and love and the golden sky above me
But now I pray the stars will go on shining,
you see in my dreams you love me

Daybreak is a joyful time
Just listen to the songbird harmonies, oh the harmonies
But I wish the dawn would never come
I wish there was silence in the trees, oh the trees
If only I could stay asleep,
at least I could pretend you're thinking of me
cause nighttime is the one time I am happy

You see in my dreams

We climb and climb and at the top we fly
Let the world go on below us, we are lost in time
And I dont know really what it means
All I know is that you love me, in my dreams
I keep hoping one day I'll awaken,
and somehow she'll be lying by my side
And as I wonder if the dawn is really breaking
She touches me and suddenly I'm alive

A song by REO Speedwagon that I loved, and still do, for the many reflections of my personal life's.

I am fading. Like the dreams in every waking moment. I hide, like the child who loves to hug his mother, yet fears her frequent ire for his precocity.

For what is true togetherness? I have no answer. When we humanly fail in our inabilities to see the differences that make two people truly become one. That one should fade and become the other? Or that two should draw upon and feed upon the other's love, differences and strengths?

Or are we looking only for our own reflections?

That in moments of darkness,
you seek the sun and its light.
That in sunshine,
you soon wilt and despise its heat.
Seeking its very essence and yet,
you do not really want what it gives.

Seeking the wind for its breezy comfort,
yet cursing it for the dust and tears in your eyes
it also carries in its wake.

What are we truly looking for?

I am fading. I am a face without true meaning.
I am the moon, whose light is not my own.
A dark soul, lifeless and dead giving naught
but reflections of what people want to see.

There is no me, for I can only be,
When the world does not see.

There I Be

2008-10-10T12:00:00.001+08:00

When you hear the breeze, its me whispering...
When you feel a warmth enveloping you, its me loving you...
When you're cold, its me missing you...
When your fingers brush your lips, its me wishing...
And when I flicker through your mind, its me...
thinking, dreaming and waiting... dying

for you. Always.

True Happiness

2008-10-09T12:00:00.002+08:00

Have you heard of the 17th-century theologian Samuel Rutherford? Perhaps it’s time to resurrect his faith-inspiring memory.

Rutherford, a member of the council that wrote the Westminster Confession, was imprisoned because of his beliefs. While in prison, he wrote this soul-strengthening letter expressing the joy that sustained him through his trials: “If God had told me some time ago that He was about to make me as happy as I could be in this world, and then had told me that He should begin by crippling me in all my limbs, and removing me from all my usual sources of enjoyment, I should have thought it a very strange mode of accomplishing His purpose. And yet, how is His wisdom manifest even in this! For if you should see a man shut up in a closed room, idolizing a set of lamps and rejoicing in their light, and you wished to make him truly happy, you would begin by blowing out all his lamps; and then throw open the shutters to let in the light of heaven.”

When the candles that light up our darkness are blown out, let’s rejoice that God is throwing open shuttered windows and pouring in the sunshine of His love.

Pitch Black

2008-10-06T19:12:00.001+08:00

And then the ray of light fades.
I fall, kicking and flailing,
clinging on to illusions
and holding onto nothing.

Never place your hopes on anyone. For they can and will drop you along with all the empty words once spoken into the void, leaving hollow sights and sounds in old familiar places.

Darkness

2008-06-11T17:00:00.002+08:00

This will without a doubt be the darkest day in my life yet. And I wonder how much darker it can get, while I suspect it will likely soon turn pitch black.

I hope that ray of light will never turn dark on me too. For I know not why I would find life livable anymore.

Motivational Antonyms

2008-05-06T22:35:00.005+08:00

I used to find these (among others) really funny.

I'm told when life gives you lemons, you make lemon juice. Only thing is, I'm beginning to suspect I've been handed rotten lemons that were left in the sun a little too long. Oh how I love my life now.

It makes me look forward to its end.

Shut Down Day

2008-05-03T09:51:00.001+08:00

Its an amazing idea. Techies and all to shut down or unplug themselves from their computers and technology for today. Go get connected with your non-virtual life again! I love this idea, in fact I wish they could make it a monthly or weekly event.

As you can tell, I'm using this day to come online, taking advantage of the hopeful faster surfing speeds due to lower traffic, while others sit at home watching paint dry. Seriously, I have no life, so thats what I'd be doing if I actually shut myself off from technology.

Imagining myself a day without internet access. I'd be lost. And if I had to turn off the TV too, I'd fucking go mad. Just thinking if I also had to keep away from the listening to music on my player as well, would probably make me really unplug the wires and wring them around my own neck.

Can u imagine the geeks of the world suddenly abandoning their technological devices and virtual lives? It could quite possibly lead to a massive surge of aimless zombies roaming the streets. And zoned out faces at cafes, staring into coffeecups to seek out new life, new civilisations, and boldly go where no geek has gone before, without his notebook or PDA.

Some, or perhaps many, may tell me to go get a hobby. Well, my hobby is going online and playing games etc. Get another non-virtual, non-technological hobby, they'd probably say. So lets think, what could I really do anyway?

Sports? I don't even like playing sports on the computer. Why would I enjoy the real thing? Besides, I have a bad back and thus severely limiting my options to wading in shallow waters and fishing for prawns. Not really my cuppa tea.

Gathering with the family and friends perhaps? This genuinely sounds good. Because it is. But that won't use up the entire day. A few hours perhaps, before most of us get tired of yakking away about recent events and old funny moments during childhood, such as theone where we peed into our uncles' and aunts' shoes during weekend gatherings. And soon, everyone will be wondering when this pisshead is going to leave. So really, we still have lots of time to spend even with this option.

Perhaps I could spend my time reading. After all, I used to read books voraciously. As I looked at the mouldy tomes on my shelves, I realised I hadn't bought a book in years. Yes, I get most of my stuff online now, even novels. Perhaps a newspaper? Hmm, even if I read the entire thing, including combing through every classifieds advertisement, it wouldn't take me over an hour. Nuts.

Hey wait, some nutjob at the back of my mind whispered "sex". Cool, now this would actually be something I could spend the entire day and night on. Mmm, imagine the cuddles, snuggling and playful touches. The passionate kissing and much more. Mmm, yes, if I had someone now who'd bring my day to such a wonderful repose. That would really... sigh, I feel depressed now.

Hmm, perhaps I should go for a holiday. I never really get the urge to go online etc. when I'm on holiday. Great! I've decided. I'll take a holiday... someday. And I shall obvserve my personal Shut Down Day then. Meanwhile, I'm going back to that online game. I hope I get to login, as its a Saturday today and thus probably jam packed with no lifers like me.

Happy Families

2008-04-25T11:27:00.002+08:00

It is now official. May 24 has been named Family Day Out and it will be an annual affair. Parents can now rejoice knowing that they can bring the family out in one massive national campaign once every year, to jostle with other families everywhere in Singapore.

I'm almost certain everone will be so happy to be mingling with the throngs of families, enjoying the sweet sounds of crying babies and incessantly noisy children. Not forgetting the nice slow pace everyone can look forward to as the elderly join in the fray. Sounds fun. The prospects of queuing for toilets in public attractions should prove overwhelmingly attractive for families out to enjoy themselvestoo.

Of course we can also look forward to restaurants and various other businesses to eventually help promote this heart warming day with new promotions at inflated prices, as this new potential public holiday gets popular.

Fathers can now assure their children than they can look forward to a nice day out every year, thus ensuring them of other more mundane activities like nights out with the boys, and working overtime. And children in Singapore can boast of how their parents will take them out next year, after May 24.

Personally, I bring all my children everywhere I go. It helps that they all fit snugly within my testicles. I figure many of them are probably mature enough to have their own children, but I guess they found no reason to leave their comfort zone.

When The Wind Feels Like The Devil's Fart

2008-04-21T18:41:00.001+08:00

It was yet another amazing day.

I just had to make sure I got this down so my grandchildren can read it some day. Assuming one of their parents ever find their way out of my balls.

Besides, I had nothing better to do.

Woke up to find an old friend who has come back from a long holiday. I wouldn't probably call it a friend, but it seems intent on making close contact with me. Good ol' Mr. Migraine. A real bastard. Felt like my both halves of my brains decided to do a 69. And it sure didn't feel good one bit.

Its times like these that you wish the advertisements for Panadol were 100% accurate. I decided the doc was probably able to do something about it at least, but after the arduous journey to the next block where he does business, I find the clinic filled with people. It was an epidemic. It was Monday. Bloody malingerers. I was once one of them, till I stopped working that is.

Anyway, looking at the number of people, I decided going home to rest was a better choice and so I took a slow trek back to the squarish cave on the rectangular mountain I call home.

Boredom and depression, doesn't mix well with headaches. Playing games didn't give me the kind of satisfaction I needed. But it was tolerable, I've not found real satisfaction for a pretty long time anyway. Haha... Damn, even laughing feels like piercing my skull with a bamboo pole.

Maybe I'll pay a visit to my good friend, Mr Whiskey later. He's nice.

Good to be bad, bad to be good?

2008-04-19T21:30:00.001+08:00

Men with largely uncontrolled libidos, playing the field with no qualms, seem to have it all. All the pleasures of life (as some would call it) and the lack of baggage on their backs. Of course, we all know someone or many like these. And to be fair, women have their fair share of similarly wild oat sowers. Or rather they let many oat sowers plow their field. We don't really like them, for what they do. Accuse them, they won't care and thus wouldn't bother anyway. Or are we just envious we have not chosen or been able to choose to live the way they do?

Men with largely controlled libidos, playing the game of remaining as good as they can possibly be, seem to have it shoved up their chaste asses. Consider the hen-pecked husband. The obedient sucker boyfriend. And perhaps all those in between. All the heartaches and pain in trying to appease the unappeaseable, with largely no benefits, except perhaps the joy of knowing true love (and pain), and the physical joys of a monk with blue balls, at the mercy of a companion's whims. The pain and feelings of idiocy infinitely soars, when they realise their efforts are largely small in the eyes of others, when inescapable suspicion and its cousins creep into their lives.

Sometimes, I wonder. Is there a point to being nice? Sometimes while sitting on a dry bed of thorns, the grass indeed looks greener on the playing field.

Sometimes I have no idea what I'm writing about. And this appears to perhaps be one of those times.

Definition of Pain

2008-04-19T20:02:00.001+08:00

pain (arch.)

punishment, penalty (now only in phr.);
suffering; †trouble, difficulty XIII; (pl.)
trouble taken in doing something XVI (earlier sg. do one's p., etc.).
ME. peine, paine — (O)F. peine :— L. pœna penalty, punishment, (later) pain, grief — Gr. (Dorian) poinā́, (Attic) poinḗ expiation, ransom, punishment, rel. to OSl. cěna price.
Av. kaēnā- punishment, Skr. cáyate avenge, punish.Hence painful hurtful; †laborious. XIV.

© The Concise Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology 1996, originally published by Oxford University Press 1996.

Oxford says it all. If only they provided information on how to end it. Someone mentioned its called a bullet.

But the only way to get one in Singapore is to sign up as an idiot working under other career idiots (who wouldn't survive long in a real war) with self hyped ranks earned from deskjobs and colourful reports of bravery while dressing a wound for an old lady during a peace mission to a foreign country.

Bloody pain. Pain sucks ass. Especially the kind you can never see or mend with medicine or bandage.

Bowels of Life

2008-04-15T11:48:00.001+08:00

It's been an amazing journey. The kinda amazement one gets when you step on a slippery turd and fall headfirst onto the toilet bowl, cracking the porcelain and lying there unconscious while shit drenches your comatose body.

One might think that falling into a dark pithole of life, resembling the very bowels of reality, you'd have reached rock bottom and the only way is up. Except the footholds you discover as you try to climb back up are really either illusions or they simply crumble at your every touch.

So you fall back, onto what you thought was the cold hard bottom. Only to discover its not as hard as you may have thought, as it gives way and you fall through it. Down further yet, making new explorative discoveries that beneath the pit holes of life, is it's sewer system.

I wonder, is the only way out, the light ahead, not what I think it could be? Sigh.

Many Faces of Mas Selamat Kastari

2008-03-05T09:43:00.007+08:00

Its probably pointless to talk about the hidden story behind his escape. Especially from a once secret "Alcatraz" of Singapore. A probable underground facility which only certain people with particularly high clearance could have entered. Even the police force was probably not privy to visits, much less "family" of the detainee.

One can imagine that with the search now being headed by the army, having taken over from the "usual guys", one can almost imagine the "physcal breach" which the Deputy Prime Minister refused to elaborate.

Anyway, in the spirit of community service, posters of the man on the run has been put up everywhere. Except, a trained fella like him would probably disguise himself if he were still in Singapore. So here's a public spirited post on the possible ways you might find him. :P

Could he be the security guard you pass by everyday without a second look?

Is he having lunch next to you at Shenton Way? Is he trying to sell you insurance policies against terrorist attacks?

Did he save you from falling onto the MRT tracks? To plant a little bomb in your bag?

Did you just pass him by? A short non-descript woman in tudung would hardly make you take a second look. Or want to even take a first look.

Did you just have tea with him at the zoo?

Did you try to pick him up in a bar? Did you make out? Gawd...

Were you oogling him as he served you coffee?

Have you seen him? You could have.

Mas Selamat Tinggal (and Ah Meng gets post mortem sex change)

2008-03-02T11:17:00.004+08:00

It was a scene almost any movie goer knows by heart. Escorted by guards, the prisoner requests for a little visit to the boy's room, and we all know an escape is imminent. This scene has been replayed in myriad forms and scripts, while we groan at the utter stupidity of the guards at hand.

One almost wonders how writers could even think that guards this stupid could exist or be employed as one. Then we see the exact scene replayed in Singapore. Mas Selamat (the country’s most wanted man) takes a leak and dumps his guards into new jobs as warehouse (empty ones) security guards.

It’s just amazing. We groan when we see onscreen, some young silly girl enter a dark building by herself. We groan when the villain (or sometimes hero) asks to free his willie. We all know what’s going to happen. But Mr Wong Kan Seng’s Home Team apparently wasn’t trained for daring toilet escapes.

In fact the almost sternly embarrassingly arrogant faced Wong said in parliament, “This should never have happened. I am sorry that it has.” One can almost detect from his tone of voice, as he raised his tone at the end of the sentence, he was pissed it happened. Not exactly sorry, but pissed. Well, perhaps sorry for what he will do to the day’s duty guards and their abilities to sit properly or defecate. For letting Mas Selamat Kastari say selamat tinggal (“goodbye” for those not familiar with the terrorist’s native tongue) to our inescapably tight security forces. We all know a contrite apology is spoken in lower tones. But obviously the minister for home affairs wasn’t very at home with admission of his ministry’s ineptitude. It was apparent, no matter how tight you squeeze your ass, a turd still can manage to slip out if you lose a moment's focus.

After successful riot police deployments against peaceful gathering of people in similar teeshirts, or elderly people holding placards, I guess they were unable to comprehend the audacity of such a daring escape. I forgot, he is after all a deputy prime minister too. And we all know why a sheriff is a sheriff and why the deputy is the deputy, don’t we?

Why the fuck do toilets in detention centres for terrorists have escape possibilities anyway? Shouldn’t there be no windows or exit alternatives? Anyway, it’s not my place to question the expert and elite guards of my country, is it? We apparently have to wait for some independent inquiry into the escape. I wonder if they’re going to get our “independent” President to do it. It should give him something to do.

Of course our media went out of its way (as always) to ensure we all think or know that it was an apology.

Andre Yeo from The New Paper even decided he should help our esteemed well-fed minister’s grammar and sentence construction.

Andre wrote, “Mas Selamat's escape should not have happened. But it did. And for that, I am sorry.

Those were the words of Deputy Prime Minister and Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng in Parliament yesterday.”

This is what Wong really said. “This should never have happened. I am sorry that it has.”

Read both and tell me they mean the same. If you do think they mean the same, you’re well qualified to be working for the official mediacocks and news publications in Singapore.

Oh and of course the entire government went into damage control overtime. Just look at the massive manhunt island-wide and the massive deployment of forces. Personally, the entire show doesn’t exactly bolster their competence and would probably worsen public perceptions of them if the limping terrorist (whom they tell us, has no money, no food and resources to leave the country) is not captured soon. The fact that he still remains at large is bad enough.

On a side note, since I did mention our media’s knack for correcting our elite leaders’ words, I thought I’d mention the not too recent death of Singapore Zoo’s matron orang utan, Ah Meng. Tagged as an icon, it’s not hard for any Singaporean to know something about her.

But our country’s highest paid political mime, (non)Elected President SR Nathan, made a monkey of himself yet again. Broadcast on TV, we can hear him say, "Ah Meng has been so much of a symbol of the Zoo. A lot of people – locals and foreigners – have enjoyed his company. I'm sure the patrons of the Zoo will miss him a great deal. But that's life."

Amazingly the person in the highest office of Singapore calls the monkey a symbol and well recognised symbol and then goes on to verbally change the gender history of the dead ape.

Of course the captions on TV, repeating his words, corrected the gender. As did every media report after that. Not much accuracy in our reporters or journalists, is there? Then again, I wonder if Mediacock was subtly making a fool out of him, since they could after all get the newscaster to read the lines over Nathan’s interview. Haha… who knows?

They should ambush this fella for more impromptu interviews and get him to make more unscripted comments. He is one amazingly hilariously overpaid fucker, and its only right that we taxpayers get to laugh at his fucking idiocy.

Hey, maybe we can televise Nathan making an effort to hunt down the terrorist. Seriously I doubt he can do much worse that the guards who lost him at the toilet. Except maybe perhaps proclaim Mas Selamat an escaped stingray from the Underwater World in Sentosa. Nathan vs Mas Selamat. The makings of a straight-to-video comedy.

Deja Vu

2008-01-10T00:15:00.001+08:00

Took out my dinner, all ready to watch "Wes Craven Presents: They" on TV, and began eating as I watched. Yummy crispy KFC thighs, not exactly as yummy as a woman's thigh, but you should be satisfied with what thighs life wraps around you.

Into the final 15 minutes of the movie (incidentally, this is aired on Mediacorp's Channel 5, Singapore's free to air channel), I took the chance to bless the porcelain with a little water spout during a commercial. (Ever wondered if the spouts you see at sea could be a giant pissing? And the sea you're swimming in, is really just a huge toilet? Oh wait, it is a huge toilet for many).

Coming back, anticipating a climactic end after watching one and a half hours of the movie, I thought life began to simulate the Matrix. Deja vu... the movie continued with a scene from the beginning of the movie. I was thinking, hmm, this could be one of those movies that shows you clues from the beginning before ending in a twist.

And twist it did. Bloody twisted too. The award winning Mediacock who owns Channel 5 did yet another first, and may yet win another award for this.

The movie went into commmercial break at the end of the timeslot and the next thing I knew, I was watching the next timeslot's lousy show.

Somebody had screwed up, or I believe screwing himself with porn and rewound the tape or something, while happily spanking his monkey.

All we got was a scrolling text later, saying that the movie will be screened again in its entirety on a later date, "due to technical difficulties". Guess the fella in charge had a difficult time getting it up.

It was utter pissdom for me, watching a movie only to get screwed over by the final scenes. And having to watch the movie again, just for the ending? I hope everyone at Mediacock gets a good lashing of words from someone. And perhaps a good intercourse with an abrupt end before climax.

Two Sides of the Gender Coin

2007-10-25T18:25:00.001+08:00

Went for a movie after several requests with a female friend I know online. It wasn't really a show I wanted to watch, but she was bored and offered to fetch me home after, so not having anything much to do, I met up with her. Free movie, free ride home, what the hell, and she's quite a nice person to talk to anyway.

Its interesting when I think of how some of them have men clamouring for their attention, yet, being unavailable on my part, they ask me out instead.

I guess its mostly the perception that being unavailable, they will not be harrassed or stalked by unwanted attention. Admittedly not all supposed "unavailable" men are safe, but I'm rather pleased they think I am. I figure it stems from the fact that they're already happy with the man in their life and when the fella's away, they want some company without having to fear for certain advances by male friends?

Or perhaps just a woman who simply wants a male friend to come out, without having to make him come. *LOL*

Perhaps in the faceless and yet oddly over friendly connections online, people open up and chat about stuff they hardly say in real life, even to their closer friends. I know I do, at times.

On the one hand we have women who despise men who constantly only want to enunciate their libido online in the hopes of a real life situation, on the other, the same women get emboldened when they "meet" a guy who isn't. No complaints from me really, considering it is rather entertaining and fun, listening and teasing at times without the obligation to follow up.

Possibly the slight ego boosts resulting from these opposite gender chats make life seem less boring. But its nice to know platonic friends do exist between separate genders.

Warming the Globe

2007-07-08T10:50:00.002+08:00

The world came together for 24 hours yesterday to warm the globe.

In response to a message to halt global warming in various ways, singers and all, grouped around in concert venues around the world, to entertain and "send a strong message" to the world. This was done before huge throngs of people around the world gathered together, who then responded to the message by leaving a huge mess of garbage at concert venues.

Even more people around the world, helped contribute to global warming too. Literally. And not in the way organisers would have probably realised. Millions and millions turned on their TVs longer than usual (together with their lights and other electricals) staying awake through the night, helping make electricity usage soar throughout the world. All our helpful Neros fiddling while Rome burned.

Did you play a part and help contribute?

Gardening In Your Fridge

2007-01-03T23:00:00.001+08:00

Saw some dumbass advertisements on TV recently. Yes, I was bored, so I actually watched the ads in between some shows.

Amazing. Did you know Motorola has a phone out now that can actually fight AIDS in Africa? Wow. The technology takes my breath away. But probably only because I was muttering over how utterly dumb and irritating the ad was. I'd sure like to see anyone who has that phone show me how the phone can actually fight AIDS. Come on, place it on the table, hold it, whatever. Lets see it in action, baby. Can't wait to see how it does what they say it does. Could it be some kind of new "Transformer" that can transform into a little robot and fly to Africa as "Captain AIDS"? Oh wait, its not doing anything is it? Don't tell me a percentage or whatever profit goes to a fund to fight AIDS. Thats not what the ad said.

You know, my mobile can prevent AIDS and STDs. Hell yeah (I can call some asswipe who frequents hookers and advise him on the probabilities of catching AIDS or some other fuck disease).

Reminds me of a Miss Singapore contestant some time back, who said her mobile phone can send out radiation to all her friends. Maybe Motorola discovered a way to send radiation directly to AIDS patients in Africa to help treat the disease.

Another ad had this local celebrity couple and family selling refrigerators. The cute daughter actually asks a very good question for a kid, "Why are the vegetables so green?".

Guess what the clever dad tells the kid? "Because of the sun!" Yeah yeah, so he goes on to say, it stimulates photosynthesis. Dumbass. Didn't they hear the question right? The question was, "Why are the vegetables so GREEN?" not "How do the vegetables grow?". Chlorophyll makes the plant green. Go read up on the sun or photosynthesis, idiots. Its amazing that they can't even act smart. Soon they'll think the sun can stimulate their brain cells.

Even better, mother goes one step further and teaches the kid that its just like their fridge! Which apparently has a simulated miniature sun inside. Imagine the technology here. Sun in fridge. Makes you realise there could also be a black hole where their brains should be. And the look of motherly pride as she glows when the daughter says they can grow vegetables in their fridge, priceless. These people need to refrigerate their brains (shouldn't take much space in the freezer) till a cure for stupidity can be found.

One thing tho', I'd love to see the kid put that answer in her test papers in school. Well, at least you don't need to be smart to be an actor. Or sell refrigerators. Or mobile phones.

Oral Legalities

2006-11-21T01:15:00.001+08:00

Just heard incredibly good news that oral sex will actually be officially legalised in Singapore. It used to be illegal, and then revised unofficially in court to allow it only if normal sexual intercourse followed oral consumption. No longer will men be able to say "Hey, I need to stick it to you now, legally I'm obliged to do so, or I'd be breaking the law.".

Oh wait. I just realised something. Even if its legal, I'm still gonna get squat, nada, nothing. Aw damn. Screw the law and its proposed changes, they can go suck it... well legally.

True Signs

2006-07-03T01:20:00.001+08:00

I generally tell anyone who believes in horoscopes that they must have cancer in their pisces or their libra is too tight. But once a while, some truth emerges.

Go on, read it and discover yourself. Of course this generally only applies to people who actually have at least some kind of remote belief in the zodiac and those who read the daily horoscopes.

Trail of Evidence

2006-07-03T00:55:00.001+08:00

Walking along the wondrous sea,
The waters wave their crashing hands.
I move towards their endless beauty,
And leave naught but footprints in the sands.

Umm...

Ok, maybe more. :P

Bird Brains

2006-06-29T00:10:00.001+08:00

Been seeing that advertisement where Richard Gere appears, reprising the role of the supposedly bloody rich and horny man who paid for sex with a prostitute and then rather stupidly fell in love with the tramp. This time he looks like a paedophile, eyeing some underaged girl in India.

They should have some more realistic dialogue for the ad.

Indian guide: "If you release the birds, you get good luck. The more birds, more good luck."

Horny rich man: (Thinking "Hell yeah, whenever I get to release my bird, its pretty lucky for me too.")

Horny rich man: "Did you tie that turban too tight? Then who're the assholes who caught the birds and caged them in the first place? Won't they get a shit load of bad luck?"

Indian guide: "Oh, they don't really believe in luck sir, they believe in people with good money. Especially dumb tourists who have Visa cards."

Horny rich man: "Hey, I have one of those cards, lets buy all the birds for that sweet (ooh yeah) little girl and release them for her (I could get lucky)."

Bird sellers (making discreet phone calls): "Are you sure those pigeons have been trained to fly back to the market after they are released? Yes? Yes excellent, sell him the birds."

[cut to next scene, after releasing birds] Pedophile (whose white hair is now oddly tinged in a brownish hue) and little girl playing and splashing water while soaking in the Ganges.

[cut to next scene] Bird sellers still holding onto the Visa card.

One asks: "Now what?"

Another answers: "You idiot son of unknown numbers of malnourished men, I told you we should have applied for the credit card slider thingie."

Yet another mumbles: "Well, at least the birds came back ..."

[and cut]

Head Stoned

2006-05-10T21:15:00.001+08:00

It hasn't been a good day. Halfway through a meeting with colleagues at Macs, my brains felt like rocks were beginning to form inside what little grey cells I currently have left. Must've been the screaming school kids that suddenly filled up the mall even as we were trying to talk business. Bloody schools should lock them up till dusk, before handing them back to their parents who should lock them up till morning before sending them to school.

Hadn't had a migraine attack for a long time now, and its sudden return felt like James Gomez being fed his minority forms up the ass by "well-loved" minister Wong (who) can't sing. Not particularly nice. (Editor's note: "well-loved" is used loosely here, perhaps similar to the love felt for huge hemorrhoids).

It felt like going through hell just to get home. I immediately popped 2 'panadol extras', and stripped myself as I headed towards the showers which I hoped would help clear my head's sudden decision to inflict some pain into my wonderfully monotonous life. Yup, if you picture me stripping right now, you might personally capture the gagging nausea I felt as I hit the showers.

I must've sat in the bathtub under the shower spray, for quite a long while. Was kind hoping for a cool spray, but of course the wonderful hot sun over Singapore seems to get its jollies by boiling the water tank above my HDB flat every afternoon. After I felt a little better, I towelled off and went to bed hoping to get some sleep. If you can picture me bummed out nude in bed, you might again fairly understand the mind-numbing nausea that still lingered, even as you try to control your own gag reflex.

Went off to pop another couple of 'panadol extras' before I finally managed to reach dreamland, where immense pleasurable possibilities exist. But of course, these possibilities usually hide away the moment they see me nearing dreamland's MRT station. Truly a reflection of reality. Positively cruel to know its there and yet unable to get some.

And now some hours later, I feel no pain. Its like my body has developed soft unfeeling heavy putty which covers me from head to toe.

I was just thinking how incredibly ironic that I could get no head, but I get headaches. Then the optimistic voice whispers in my incredibly stoned mind that things are getting better. The last time, I got laid up with a slipped disc, instead of just plainly getting laid.

Stoned Youth

2006-05-08T11:15:00.001+08:00

As usual, my mind dreams up wonderfully idiotic stuff when I'm bored. This might happen anytime, but its happening right now. Guess thats better than some people indulging in what would be a short game of two-ball billiards with their sad little cues.

Beer would seem to make a person fat. And fat helps smoothen out wrinkles. It would thus appear that the more beer you drink, the younger you would appear to be. So drink up, you old farts!

Sadly, you'd hardly get any quality nookie looking like a young fat drunkard. Payoff's a bitch. And usually one helluva fat bitch too.

Apples and Fine Wine

2006-04-04T16:30:00.001+08:00

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Men, on the other hand, are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to extract the juice out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Sounds good really, so now who wants to come extract some juice? I can go for dinner after that too.

Information Over Load’a Crap

2006-03-08T11:15:00.001+08:00

Email as we know it can be absolutely great. Knowing that there are so many friends (some of whom you never knew existed) out there who may just want to keep in touch or share stuff and information you never thought you needed.

Sifting through the load of mails each day can be really informational and fun;

You can find out hot tips on the latest new stocks and shares that are guaranteed to make you money. These tips come from wonderful people who want to share with you their wonderful insight on the stock market, and help you make money investing in companies no one has ever heard of. You know the tips are right on the money, simply because the senders are usually someone famous like “Lljsjfhha” or even “Gashoo D. Fahkaiam”.

Another great source of easy money comes from secretly rich people from wealthy countries in Africa, and recently even Asia. Its so easy! All I need to do is give them my bank account number and they will wire millions of dollars to me, allowing me to keep a huge cut as commission too. Wow, people you don’t know can be so generous. I’m going to be rich soon.

After I get rich, I’ll help all those poor souls who need money because they have been stricken by rare or fatal diseases and conditions. I don’t even need to send them money; all I need to do is forward the mail to all my friends. You see, apparently there is an incredible breakthrough in email technology. They can monitor how many emails were forwarded and match each mail forwarded with money. Sometimes, you can even get money from prestigious companies like Microsoft or a car from Hyundai, if you are lucky enough to be sent an email from a secret survey, or something like that.

I admit though, I have been very evil and bad. I have always deleted emails that can help send money to poor sick hospitalized children etc. I also never bother with mails that promise me great luck, true love or a wonderful sex life if I forward it to at least 20 friends etc. I don’t have so many friends to forward the mail, so I guess I’m going to have an accumulated hundreds of years in bad luck and I’ll never ever to able to have sex. Yes, it is sad. Guess I’ll have to live with that. But wait, maybe I can have some luck from other emails that assure me of wild nights meeting with sexy nymphomaniacs in my neighbourhood.

I’ve been feeling down and depressed too, because I found out from some wonderful people who have somehow discovered that I am actually impotent and that I also apparently have a very small penis. Fortunately for me, they have special pills and vacuum pumps that can help me attain manhood that can reach my knees in normal circumstances and also stand strong and steady for hours or even from dusk till dawn. That should help me if I ever go camping. But I do worry if I have enough blood to maintain conciousness.

Its like a kid living in a candy store, I can’t make up my mind. Should I help the poor mother and child of a murdered dictator, or the generous banker who found a hidden stash of money in an unused account? Well, once I make my decision, I should be able to afford those wonderful pills and pumps to transform me into a sex god with a baseball bat in my pants. That should help me satisfy those lonely beautiful women living right in my neighbourhood and desperately looking for me. With so much money, I can even finance that poor skinny kid suffering from some weird condition. At least the kid won’t have to rely on selfish people who won’t even bother to forward a simple email to all their friends.

Wow. Soon, I’ll be so busy and happy; I won’t even have to time to write about it in this blog. I’m so happy.

Did you know that I can monitor how many times you read this blog? Each time you read it, I will send two dollars to a fund that feeds needy people in Singapore.

And if you read my blogs enough times, I will send you free pills and/or a vacuum pump that will help you become the love machine that you always wanted to be. In fact if you're an attractive female, I'll deliver it myself. Of course, if you ask more than 15 friends to come read my blogs, you will have 7 years of good luck and your true love will appear before you in three days, sweep you off your feet, and ride you off into the sunset on a horse. Well, either that or she will ride you like a horse or he will do you like a stallion.

The choice is yours.

Blown Away

2006-03-01T21:30:00.001+08:00

What they say about how it never rains but it pours, can really blow your mind when everything seems to blow up in your face.

Its been so freaking hot recently, I turn on the fan in whatever room I may be, when I'm home. Sometimes its just hot air, but at least it feels better than nothing at all. Then somebody somewhere decides that they'd like to do some kinda check on the electricity at the block where I live, and so they switch the damn electricity off for an hour. With absolutely nothing to do at that time, I go out for a nice long cuppa.

When I return, the electricity is still off and I'm wondering how I'd know if it does come back on again, so I sit around and wait for some signs of life in the electrical appliances. Oh and a sign came, oh how it came. The fan came back to life suddenly and then boom. Black smoke blows into my face before I realise the fan in the study went the way of a suicide bomber. Bloody terrorist fan probably decided to believe in extremist Islamic teachings and claim its reward of 72 blowing virgins in fan heaven.

Another beautiful reason to spend money.

So now I have to carry the fan from the living room into the study when I'm working on the PC. And when I'm done, I carry it back so I can have some air blown on my hot body. Ha, funny how that sounds, hot body. By that I mean the temperature, and not how my body actually looks.

Maybe I can rephrase that. Lets see, umm... I'm really feeling hot and I need to get blown.

Hmm, that didn't come out quite right. Oh well. Probably a Freudian slip. Mmm, I like slips. Ok now I'm hot, gonna go shower.

Life sucks... well sort off.

2006-02-23T01:25:00.001+08:00

Does life suck? Well, when you realize no one gets out of it alive, it does put a dampener on everything (well, at least for a while).

That’s not really the main issue I guess, come to think of it, I’m just feeling down. Life’s been sucking waaaay too much stuff from me. Energy, money and more money. I need money, hence I work. Then I realize I need money to work, but the work isn’t coming around to bringing money into my hands as and when I may need it. This is one major suck effect some people call a vicious circle. Anyway, it sucks so much I just need to blow it off.

I thought about it, first thing babies want to do when they come into the world, is suck. Kinda rings an ironical bell of impending warning of a life sucking future, doesn’t it? Well, maybe not for some lucky ones, I guess, like Paris Hilton. But her special video does demonstrate other forms of sucking in her life.

On another note, men may complain how it sucks that they are sometimes expected to treat women when they go for dinner or for some drinks. But we have to be fair to the fairer sex, after all, they need to save that money for stuff men don’t need to buy. Cosmetics and sanitary pads.

See, it all balances out, it sucks for both sexes.

By the way, if you happen to think there are men who buy cosmetics. I should assert that those aren’t men. They probably suck.

Scientifically, the laws of thermodynamics do point this out to us. They can be summed up quite simply as the following statements;

"You must play the game."

"You can't win."

"You can't break even."

"You can't quit the game."

Does that suck or what? Actually, the Bible, does tell us something about this too. After all, when Adam did what he did, God made it pretty clear, everything’s really gonna suck from then on.

Think I’ll have to eat less for now. At least that might actually help me lose some weight. That should allow me to hold on to more cash, and perhaps go out for a drink. That’s sounds pretty good I guess.

Hey, wait a minute. I just remembered that drinking can make me fat. Damn, this really sucks.

Mass Rancid Transit

2006-02-20T07:15:00.001+08:00

Damn near fainted today.

Just finished meeting with some people to discuss the sale of their home, and well, things didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Work sucks, but I guess I can't jolly well stop, since I need the money. Sad thing is I don't necessarily get money for working. Thats the frustration one gets after some time with no pay. I'm practically broke and soon I'll have to consider the lucrative gigolo career. Well, maybe after some intense plastic surgery, but that requires money, so I guess thats another highway to nowhere.

Decided to go home, so into the MRT train I went. Along with me, came hordes of noisy schoolgirls. And one really BIG sweaty guy. By the natural law of probabilities, he squeezes right next to me in the crowd, while I try to avoid molesting the pretty lady on the other side of me. I was wondering how the train got to smell this bad, and of course it turned out to be the big sweaty guy. It couldn't get worse. Then it happened. He raised his arm to support himself on the top rail, blessing me with a continuous whiff of a smell I can never describe.

It seemed like ages for the train to reach the next station, I just wanted to get away. By the time I got off the train to catch the next one, I had a headache that threatened to turn me bald.

Packed trains are just full of people you never knew could piss or set you off in so many new ways. Next time, I'm gonna just take a taxi. Oh wait, I can't. That means spending more money. Damn. I need a drink. Damn, money again. Oh wait, I just remembered the whiskey at home. Yeah. At least some things end on a good note.

*burp*

Incensed

2006-02-05T01:25:00.001+08:00

Disclaimer: Some of the words used within this particular blog, like the word "fuck" and its derivatives are actually found in the 'scholarly' dictionary, and used herewith for its emphasis value only. If you find it otherwise after reading the blog, and find them vulgar and lewd, you're probably a lewd and vulgar person, to be able to place more meaning into what I intended. As for the other descriptions, I also learnt them from the same dictionary, so please complain to the publishers, and leave me alone.

I am pissed. And not just really pissed, but fuckin' pissed off right now. So I’m going to say that there shall be quite a disproportionate number of references to some very interesting words that may make some women blush and others, probably turned on.

It’s about an hour past midnight and the dark night is cool and beautiful. Of course something or someone always fucks it up somehow and tonight, I smell something burning. Damn fucking idiots burning their paper shit again, but I figured I’ll just ignore the smell and do whatever I was doing.

Of course, things never get better, do they? Things get a little blurry in my home, oh great. And wow, I’m beginning to cough too, wonderful. Oh yeah, I’m getting a fucking headache. Just beautiful, the night has turned into one smokin’ bitch with a major period.

I take a look out the window and see beautiful fires burning all over the bloody neighbourhood. Smoke rising from them fucking fires, straight up into the homes of other people. Like me. Oh great, look there’s some asshole burning shit right at the stairwell leading to my home. No wonder I’m getting a personal shit load of fucking smoke. It’s at these moments that I understand why guns are illegal.

There we have the government trying to limit the number of places people can smoke, so non-smokers won't get to breathe smoke, and I totally understand that since ciggies do stink. But here fuckers burn so much shit, and its ok. What the fuck?! I almost hope they deeply inhale the fucking smoke they are responsible for and join their fucking relatives soon.

Trying not to be disrespectful, but I always wonder about this thing about burning stuff to dead people. Lets imagine if it were real, I mean who the fuck knows who gets what after the fucking paper crap is burnt and sent to hell? Its not like they write the names of recipients on the shit they burn. Of course another reason could be they're burning shit to some god of pollution.

I remember watching some people who looked, and I guess they only looked intelligent, some time back, burning a paper house, a paper car and two paper women and lots’a other fuck shit. Soon they’ll come up with all sorts’a fucking shit to burn, and stupid fucks are going to burn them anyway. Who’s knows, soon they’ll get to burn a paper dildo for their female ancestors. I just hope they remember to burn some paper batteries for it too.

I hear it was for their grandfather. Then I see them placing some nice roasted chickens on the altar. I thinking, man, if they believe their ol’ grandpappy’s gonna be at the altar, he’s going to one fucking angry ghost.

Just imagine what the poor dead old man’s gonna be saying?

“Fuckers, never burn any fucking teeth for me, how you expect me to eat the fucking chicken? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Lick the fucking chicken?

“Oh yeah, great, burn me a fucking paper Mercedes Benz, yeah, and you forgot to put in the fucking engines. What the fuck, you want me to push the fucking thing around? Where the fuck am I supposed to get fuel for the fucking car anyway? Does it run on ghostly piss? And why the fuck is the car so fucking small?

“And don’t even start me talking about the fucking three storey bungalow. It’s not much bigger than the fucking car. My head won't even fit through the bloody fucking door. And what’s this with the two ugly paper bitches? Can’t they burn paper hoes who look like Fiona Xie?”.

I still have a throbbing headache, and not the kinda throbbing head I really prefer. Fucking assholes. They should have some small deserted island for this shit burning.

Hear The Buzz?

2006-01-25T11:15:00.001+08:00

Woke up this morning and saw this really big housefly buzzing around my bed. Guess that does tell a lot about the way I smell. Little fella probably thought I was dead.

Seemed something always had to wake me up before I was ready to get up and that fly was really pissing me off. Fine, lil' fly, you wanna play, I'll play with ya.

Washed my face, brushed my teeth (whatever's left anyway), went back and there it was. Still happily buzzing away in my room. Good, stay there fool, I'm gonna get'cha. So I strolled over to my fish tank, got the fish net and before the flying booger knew it, it was trapped in my hands.

It was sad to watching it flounder, unable to experience the freedom of flying as it once did only seconds ago. So I let it go. Its flying away now, out the window. I know in my heart it will now fly freely. Fly little bugger, fly. In fact I made sure thats all it can do.

I pulled off all its ugly little legs. Now the little bugger can't land.

Sweet Sounds Of The Morning

2006-01-18T12:35:00.001+08:00

Today’s really boring. Not much to do except some laundry.

So as I stand at the window at the kitchen, I hear the familiar (and unbearably irritating) blast of hand-held horns. Along with it came the catchy Hokkien version of the Karung Guni Song (Sell Me Your Junk ditty). Come on, sing along, you know you want to…

“Karung guni, po chua, sah kor….
… pai laylio, dian see keeeeeeeee…….!!”

(horn horn horn horn horn horn horn horn) *fucking airhorns*

(until someone gives you junk, or when you finally feel stupid)

This fella walked around the car park for about 10 minutes, playing with his horn and shouting the same shit over and over, like he was auditioning for Singapore Idol. I think this scene pretty much plays out the same in many other neighborhoods in Singapore. But this area where I live was quite exceptional.

Right after he gets up his van and drives to another part of the neighborhood, a lorry comes in and William Hung gets off and starts singing the same song (and yes, with the same bloody instrument). It’s incredible; I imagine the law against killer litter is really to protect these noisy farts with their noisy horns.

What fascinates me (besides the intense irritation at the bloody noisy ruckus) is that as this one leaves as well, another arrives. What the hell?!

What makes this clown think anyone will wait for him, instead of selling whatever crap they have to the first available “rag & bone” singer. And how much crap do they think people keep anyway, that they have to come daily to ask for more crap.

And so the show goes on, there are a total of 5 Acts. Each played out with different singers and slightly different “give me your shit” songs, and different “rhythmic” horn accompaniment. Each Act took about five to ten minutes to play out. All this time, no one got to buy or sell shit. Soon, the beauty of pristine silence returned.

Of course, tomorrow the same bunch (or maybe not, I don’t really care) of 4 to 5 fellas again taking turns to sing their song. It will begin at about 8.30 to 9am, almost religiously. Imagine trying to sleep off your hangover through this racket, after a party last night. You’d wanna put a racket through their karung guni heads. And I won’t charge for that racket too.

Oh well, its nice and quiet again. Think I’ll go look at my neighbors at the next block now. Hopefully, I can catch one of them walking around naked in the privacy of their homes, and then sue the fool for insulting my modesty.

Cock shrinks away when Dog approaches.

2006-01-04T18:15:00.001+08:00

With the Chinese New Year approaching, something popped into my mind (well, whatever's left of it).

If I thought last year was a cock year, I can be pretty sure the new one is going to the dogs.
Gawd, I can be sooo lame.

Love Handles

2006-01-03T22:08:00.001+08:00

Went out to do a little work and ended up going back earlier than expected. It was only 12.30 in the afternoon and I had nothing to do for the rest of the day. Wonderful. Things sure are getting exciting in 2006.

After a nice shower, I thought I should get some food. As I held my abdomen wondering if I was hungry enough to overcome the bloody hassle of going downstairs to actually buy some food, I began to realise this old body brought along a lotta baggage into the new year. Wow, I was actually getting fatter. I thought I was fat last year. I think the new year may have also given me a new inch of storage space for the winter. And I think I saw the mirror develop a slight crack too.

Oh screw the food, thought I'll go down to the gym, and I did. The last time I visited this place was over 3 months ago. The old man was still there. His body was still better looking than mine.

I went through my routine, working every muscle in my body I could, that was permissible in public. As I left the gym, I felt so satisfied and buffed that I nearly wanted to stop the bus with my bare hands. Some idiot flagged it down and I didn't get to test my newfound bravado, so I got up the bus and went home. Grabbed some food along the way and soon I was in bed.

I just woke up an hour ago. My body doesn't recognise what my brain wants it to do now. Now almost every major movement I make is accompanied with a groan. Only thing I can do without much agony is surf the web, and I end up here after some time. Writing about the pain doesn't make it better either. Think I'm going to go lie down in bed and stay really still now.

I was fat and I went to the gym. Now I'm in pain and just as fat. Wonderful.

Moving along at daybreak. A travelogue.

2006-01-01T10:00:00.001+08:00

Opening my eyes so early made me realise the not-so-beautiful fact of life. Mornings suck.

I look forward to the cool darkness of nightfall. Oddly, I feel energised by the blackscape of the night. Wait a minute. What the hell is blackscape, you ask? I haven't a clue. It just looked pretty cool as I typed it out.

Anyway, as I moved off the bed towards a distant bathroom, I squinted at the bright new light of the new year. Yes, I realised this was my first morning of 2006. Wow. Mornings still suck. Guess some things never change.

Somehow my transportation (legs, in this case) decided to bring me to the faraway place that some people call "the door to my home". I reach it, open it, grab the newspapers and then I closed it. As I flipped through the headlines, I learnt about last night's miracle of people learning to count backwards. Then I realised I was weary from the long trip from my bed to the door and so decided to save what remaining energy I had left to make the return journey. I left the newspapers on the table, as carrying it back with me might slow me down.

As I travelled along another route round the dining table, I realised too late that it was the long way back and decided to make an emergency stop at the sofa nearby. Thankfully, I managed to make it, and rested till lunch.

Travelling in the mornings really does take a toll on me. I didn't take pictures, as I kept my camera in another land, called the study room. So no pictures for this travelogue, sorry, maybe next time.

First, sex. Lots'a sex.

2006-01-01T00:00:00.002+08:00

Noticed how my first blog had to be under the sex category? Ahh. I've a feeling you might have clicked on the word sex for your own reasons anyway. I've even put the word in bold in case you can't see it properly (especially the lot of you who might've been playing with yourselves too much).

Sex sells, sex is all important. We all have a sex. We don't all have sex (some of us only type the word to feel sexy). But we all do have a sex. Well, some call it gender. But sex does sell, so I'm just going to say sex.

Oh by the way, we're all outta sex today. Nothing sexy happened. No sex today, as with yesterday (or the year before). But at least you did just read alotta sex. Now go on, get outta here... Shoo.