Star Trek LCARS On My Android

Having been using an Android mobile phone for some time now, I've actually scoured the web for a Star Trek theme for a really long time. Results were always the same. Similar to a search for cash in my wallet, nothing of note if anything at all.

I began to wonder if my sense of desperation to fulfill that geeky need to have some kind of trekker (or trekkie) looking phone device in my hands, the way one would feel when stuck in the middle of an empty plain with bursting bowels, would ever find relief.

Then it dawned on my wilting mind that I could dig a hole myself, instead of waiting for a kind passerby. Starfleet didn't prepare me for this.

Now I have my own little Star Trek inspired theme on my Android, and I feel a little closer to the future. And my mind is back in space. Or probably just pretty much spaced out as usual. I still pretend to be a handicapped Vulcan who goes through pon farr every seven hours. Ok, maybe I'm not pretending.

Feel free to get it too, if you are using an Android smartphone and have a little urge to have a similar look installed. Just take a look at the LCARS Star Trek theme for Go Launcher on Google Play (link) and make it so. Oh yes, you'll have to use Go Launcher Ex to use this theme, which comes with a host of very cool features too. If you really like it, and you do use it, my deepest thanks to you for buying me a drink. If you should pop into Ten Forward, I'll bring some Orion slaves along to entertain you.

Live long and prosper. Even if your planet has been destroyed by a reboot.

Shut Down Day

Its an amazing idea. Techies and all to shut down or unplug themselves from their computers and technology for today. Go get connected with your non-virtual life again! I love this idea, in fact I wish they could make it a monthly or weekly event.

As you can tell, I'm using this day to come online, taking advantage of the hopeful faster surfing speeds due to lower traffic, while others sit at home watching paint dry. Seriously, I have no life, so thats what I'd be doing if I actually shut myself off from technology.

Imagining myself a day without internet access. I'd be lost. And if I had to turn off the TV too, I'd fucking go mad. Just thinking if I also had to keep away from the listening to music on my player as well, would probably make me really unplug the wires and wring them around my own neck.

Can u imagine the geeks of the world suddenly abandoning their technological devices and virtual lives? It could quite possibly lead to a massive surge of aimless zombies roaming the streets. And zoned out faces at cafes, staring into coffeecups to seek out new life, new civilisations, and boldly go where no geek has gone before, without his notebook or PDA.

Some, or perhaps many, may tell me to go get a hobby. Well, my hobby is going online and playing games etc. Get another non-virtual, non-technological hobby, they'd probably say. So lets think, what could I really do anyway?

Sports? I don't even like playing sports on the computer. Why would I enjoy the real thing? Besides, I have a bad back and thus severely limiting my options to wading in shallow waters and fishing for prawns. Not really my cuppa tea.

Gathering with the family and friends perhaps? This genuinely sounds good. Because it is. But that won't use up the entire day. A few hours perhaps, before most of us get tired of yakking away about recent events and old funny moments during childhood, such as theone where we peed into our uncles' and aunts' shoes during weekend gatherings. And soon, everyone will be wondering when this pisshead is going to leave. So really, we still have lots of time to spend even with this option.

Perhaps I could spend my time reading. After all, I used to read books voraciously. As I looked at the mouldy tomes on my shelves, I realised I hadn't bought a book in years. Yes, I get most of my stuff online now, even novels. Perhaps a newspaper? Hmm, even if I read the entire thing, including combing through every classifieds advertisement, it wouldn't take me over an hour. Nuts.

Hey wait, some nutjob at the back of my mind whispered "sex". Cool, now this would actually be something I could spend the entire day and night on. Mmm, imagine the cuddles, snuggling and playful touches. The passionate kissing and much more. Mmm, yes, if I had someone now who'd bring my day to such a wonderful repose. That would really... sigh, I feel depressed now.

Hmm, perhaps I should go for a holiday. I never really get the urge to go online etc. when I'm on holiday. Great! I've decided. I'll take a holiday... someday. And I shall obvserve my personal Shut Down Day then. Meanwhile, I'm going back to that online game. I hope I get to login, as its a Saturday today and thus probably jam packed with no lifers like me.

Gardening In Your Fridge

Saw some dumbass advertisements on TV recently. Yes, I was bored, so I actually watched the ads in between some shows.

Amazing. Did you know Motorola has a phone out now that can actually fight AIDS in Africa? Wow. The technology takes my breath away. But probably only because I was muttering over how utterly dumb and irritating the ad was. I'd sure like to see anyone who has that phone show me how the phone can actually fight AIDS. Come on, place it on the table, hold it, whatever. Lets see it in action, baby. Can't wait to see how it does what they say it does. Could it be some kind of new "Transformer" that can transform into a little robot and fly to Africa as "Captain AIDS"? Oh wait, its not doing anything is it? Don't tell me a percentage or whatever profit goes to a fund to fight AIDS. Thats not what the ad said.

You know, my mobile can prevent AIDS and STDs. Hell yeah (I can call some asswipe who frequents hookers and advise him on the probabilities of catching AIDS or some other fuck disease).

Reminds me of a Miss Singapore contestant some time back, who said her mobile phone can send out radiation to all her friends. Maybe Motorola discovered a way to send radiation directly to AIDS patients in Africa to help treat the disease.

Another ad had this local celebrity couple and family selling refrigerators. The cute daughter actually asks a very good question for a kid, "Why are the vegetables so green?".

Guess what the clever dad tells the kid? "Because of the sun!" Yeah yeah, so he goes on to say, it stimulates photosynthesis. Dumbass. Didn't they hear the question right? The question was, "Why are the vegetables so GREEN?" not "How do the vegetables grow?". Chlorophyll makes the plant green. Go read up on the sun or photosynthesis, idiots. Its amazing that they can't even act smart. Soon they'll think the sun can stimulate their brain cells.

Even better, mother goes one step further and teaches the kid that its just like their fridge! Which apparently has a simulated miniature sun inside. Imagine the technology here. Sun in fridge. Makes you realise there could also be a black hole where their brains should be. And the look of motherly pride as she glows when the daughter says they can grow vegetables in their fridge, priceless. These people need to refrigerate their brains (shouldn't take much space in the freezer) till a cure for stupidity can be found.

One thing tho', I'd love to see the kid put that answer in her test papers in school. Well, at least you don't need to be smart to be an actor. Or sell refrigerators. Or mobile phones.

Information Over Load’a Crap

Email as we know it can be absolutely great. Knowing that there are so many friends (some of whom you never knew existed) out there who may just want to keep in touch or share stuff and information you never thought you needed.

Sifting through the load of mails each day can be really informational and fun;

You can find out hot tips on the latest new stocks and shares that are guaranteed to make you money. These tips come from wonderful people who want to share with you their wonderful insight on the stock market, and help you make money investing in companies no one has ever heard of. You know the tips are right on the money, simply because the senders are usually someone famous like “Lljsjfhha” or even “Gashoo D. Fahkaiam”.

Another great source of easy money comes from secretly rich people from wealthy countries in Africa, and recently even Asia. Its so easy! All I need to do is give them my bank account number and they will wire millions of dollars to me, allowing me to keep a huge cut as commission too. Wow, people you don’t know can be so generous. I’m going to be rich soon.

After I get rich, I’ll help all those poor souls who need money because they have been stricken by rare or fatal diseases and conditions. I don’t even need to send them money; all I need to do is forward the mail to all my friends. You see, apparently there is an incredible breakthrough in email technology. They can monitor how many emails were forwarded and match each mail forwarded with money. Sometimes, you can even get money from prestigious companies like Microsoft or a car from Hyundai, if you are lucky enough to be sent an email from a secret survey, or something like that.

I admit though, I have been very evil and bad. I have always deleted emails that can help send money to poor sick hospitalized children etc. I also never bother with mails that promise me great luck, true love or a wonderful sex life if I forward it to at least 20 friends etc. I don’t have so many friends to forward the mail, so I guess I’m going to have an accumulated hundreds of years in bad luck and I’ll never ever to able to have sex. Yes, it is sad. Guess I’ll have to live with that. But wait, maybe I can have some luck from other emails that assure me of wild nights meeting with sexy nymphomaniacs in my neighbourhood.

I’ve been feeling down and depressed too, because I found out from some wonderful people who have somehow discovered that I am actually impotent and that I also apparently have a very small penis. Fortunately for me, they have special pills and vacuum pumps that can help me attain manhood that can reach my knees in normal circumstances and also stand strong and steady for hours or even from dusk till dawn. That should help me if I ever go camping. But I do worry if I have enough blood to maintain conciousness.

Its like a kid living in a candy store, I can’t make up my mind. Should I help the poor mother and child of a murdered dictator, or the generous banker who found a hidden stash of money in an unused account? Well, once I make my decision, I should be able to afford those wonderful pills and pumps to transform me into a sex god with a baseball bat in my pants. That should help me satisfy those lonely beautiful women living right in my neighbourhood and desperately looking for me. With so much money, I can even finance that poor skinny kid suffering from some weird condition. At least the kid won’t have to rely on selfish people who won’t even bother to forward a simple email to all their friends.

Wow. Soon, I’ll be so busy and happy; I won’t even have to time to write about it in this blog. I’m so happy.

Did you know that I can monitor how many times you read this blog? Each time you read it, I will send two dollars to a fund that feeds needy people in Singapore.

And if you read my blogs enough times, I will send you free pills and/or a vacuum pump that will help you become the love machine that you always wanted to be. In fact if you're an attractive female, I'll deliver it myself. Of course, if you ask more than 15 friends to come read my blogs, you will have 7 years of good luck and your true love will appear before you in three days, sweep you off your feet, and ride you off into the sunset on a horse. Well, either that or she will ride you like a horse or he will do you like a stallion.

The choice is yours.