Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Information Over Load’a Crap

Email as we know it can be absolutely great. Knowing that there are so many friends (some of whom you never knew existed) out there who may just want to keep in touch or share stuff and information you never thought you needed.

Sifting through the load of mails each day can be really informational and fun;

You can find out hot tips on the latest new stocks and shares that are guaranteed to make you money. These tips come from wonderful people who want to share with you their wonderful insight on the stock market, and help you make money investing in companies no one has ever heard of. You know the tips are right on the money, simply because the senders are usually someone famous like “Lljsjfhha” or even “Gashoo D. Fahkaiam”.

Another great source of easy money comes from secretly rich people from wealthy countries in Africa, and recently even Asia. Its so easy! All I need to do is give them my bank account number and they will wire millions of dollars to me, allowing me to keep a huge cut as commission too. Wow, people you don’t know can be so generous. I’m going to be rich soon.

After I get rich, I’ll help all those poor souls who need money because they have been stricken by rare or fatal diseases and conditions. I don’t even need to send them money; all I need to do is forward the mail to all my friends. You see, apparently there is an incredible breakthrough in email technology. They can monitor how many emails were forwarded and match each mail forwarded with money. Sometimes, you can even get money from prestigious companies like Microsoft or a car from Hyundai, if you are lucky enough to be sent an email from a secret survey, or something like that.

I admit though, I have been very evil and bad. I have always deleted emails that can help send money to poor sick hospitalized children etc. I also never bother with mails that promise me great luck, true love or a wonderful sex life if I forward it to at least 20 friends etc. I don’t have so many friends to forward the mail, so I guess I’m going to have an accumulated hundreds of years in bad luck and I’ll never ever to able to have sex. Yes, it is sad. Guess I’ll have to live with that. But wait, maybe I can have some luck from other emails that assure me of wild nights meeting with sexy nymphomaniacs in my neighbourhood.

I’ve been feeling down and depressed too, because I found out from some wonderful people who have somehow discovered that I am actually impotent and that I also apparently have a very small penis. Fortunately for me, they have special pills and vacuum pumps that can help me attain manhood that can reach my knees in normal circumstances and also stand strong and steady for hours or even from dusk till dawn. That should help me if I ever go camping. But I do worry if I have enough blood to maintain conciousness.

Its like a kid living in a candy store, I can’t make up my mind. Should I help the poor mother and child of a murdered dictator, or the generous banker who found a hidden stash of money in an unused account? Well, once I make my decision, I should be able to afford those wonderful pills and pumps to transform me into a sex god with a baseball bat in my pants. That should help me satisfy those lonely beautiful women living right in my neighbourhood and desperately looking for me. With so much money, I can even finance that poor skinny kid suffering from some weird condition. At least the kid won’t have to rely on selfish people who won’t even bother to forward a simple email to all their friends.

Wow. Soon, I’ll be so busy and happy; I won’t even have to time to write about it in this blog. I’m so happy.

Did you know that I can monitor how many times you read this blog? Each time you read it, I will send two dollars to a fund that feeds needy people in Singapore.

And if you read my blogs enough times, I will send you free pills and/or a vacuum pump that will help you become the love machine that you always wanted to be. In fact if you're an attractive female, I'll deliver it myself. Of course, if you ask more than 15 friends to come read my blogs, you will have 7 years of good luck and your true love will appear before you in three days, sweep you off your feet, and ride you off into the sunset on a horse. Well, either that or she will ride you like a horse or he will do you like a stallion.

The choice is yours.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Blown Away

What they say about how it never rains but it pours, can really blow your mind when everything seems to blow up in your face.

Its been so freaking hot recently, I turn on the fan in whatever room I may be, when I'm home. Sometimes its just hot air, but at least it feels better than nothing at all. Then somebody somewhere decides that they'd like to do some kinda check on the electricity at the block where I live, and so they switch the damn electricity off for an hour. With absolutely nothing to do at that time, I go out for a nice long cuppa.

When I return, the electricity is still off and I'm wondering how I'd know if it does come back on again, so I sit around and wait for some signs of life in the electrical appliances. Oh and a sign came, oh how it came. The fan came back to life suddenly and then boom. Black smoke blows into my face before I realise the fan in the study went the way of a suicide bomber. Bloody terrorist fan probably decided to believe in extremist Islamic teachings and claim its reward of 72 blowing virgins in fan heaven.

Another beautiful reason to spend money.

So now I have to carry the fan from the living room into the study when I'm working on the PC. And when I'm done, I carry it back so I can have some air blown on my hot body. Ha, funny how that sounds, hot body. By that I mean the temperature, and not how my body actually looks.

Maybe I can rephrase that. Lets see, umm... I'm really feeling hot and I need to get blown.

Hmm, that didn't come out quite right. Oh well. Probably a Freudian slip. Mmm, I like slips. Ok now I'm hot, gonna go shower.