Repetitive Memories & Life

What I Have Learnt From Life

There is an eerie compulsion to be nice even though according to certain reliable sources, I am obviously not (I might also say I think that Geylang is just as a reliable source, for virtuous potential foreign brides). An odd Neanderthal need to be appreciated by the ones I love or care about. Much as the darkness that thrives in my words and its incessant whine on the pointless deeds for nothing, people and life, I still end up trying.

Tasting sweet nectar occasionally, I push on only to realize the foul phlegm spat upon my back. I can still feel it encrusted on the blades wedged between my shoulder blades by hands of a proclaimed epitome of empathetic kindness. I guess some people might take the loving stealth, demonstrated in placing the forementioned sputum from a discreetly malicious mouth and knife, without my knowledge, as love. I certainly hope they experience the joy that they so lovingly offer to others, as well. Many times over.

Well, I did talk about the darkness within my words, haven’t I? Nah, I don't wish anything on them. Life has a beautiful road of parity on it's own. Duplicity is amazingly mirrored and ultimately projected to and from the associates in their lives.

But there is a reason for my words, I suppose. Caring and sharing has certainly improved my life. It has lightened my load, especially where assets and cash are concerned. And it has also dramatically provided my complexion with a certain glow, much like a radioactive scrotum.

Do the right thing I say, in light or darkness. Silly me. I’ve been roasting a brick, while dreaming of marshmallows.

I’ve always wondered, if there is really something this world has to offer. After all that I’ve gone through, I can honestly say, yes. Being the deluded clever thing that I am (one might say I resemble those round things found on the tentacles of an octopus), I dove right in to experience every sensation I could from what I would assume to be the beauty of life, within the confines of what I would desperately attempt to hope is the morally correct thing to do. I discovered how life offered me a chance to bleed. I didn’t believe it.

I believed truly in the possibilities of truth and integrity. It gave me a new fork deep in my perineum.

I still believe in life. I truly still do.

I believe it will end eventually. Soon. Please.

Torn

I'm good, I'm bad.
I'm strong, I'm weak.
I'm happy, I'm depressed.
I'm patient, I'm angry.
I'm decent, I'm filthy.
I'm virile, I'm impotent.
I'm funny, I'm lame.
I'm kind, I'm harsh.
I'm carefree, I'm emotional.
I'm apathetic, I'm nosy.
I'm flexible, I'm a control freak.
I'm stoic, I'm senstitive.
I'm loving, I'm lustful.
I'm submissive, I'm dominatng.
I'm playful, I'm flirtatious.
I'm giving, I'm selfish.
I'm sexy, I'm depraved.
I'm right, I'm wrong.
I'm passionate, I'm fixated.
I'm exciting, I'm boring.
I'm persevering, I'm tired.
I'm sensual, I'm disgusting.
I'm alive, I'm dying.

I'm witty, I'm a fool.
I'm quiet, I talk too much.

I'm a blessing, I'm a torment.
I'm cloaked in righteousness,
I'm a sinner.

I'm never the first,
I'm never the last.
I'm loved, I'm an alternative.
I'm at peace, I'm in pain.

I laugh, I cry,
I love, I despise.
I want to live, I want to die.

My face, my mask.
I am me, I am somebody else.
I am a joke, I am not funny.

I want more, I have had enough.

Wrong

Count on me, Singapore

We have no vision for tomorrow,
(We have no eyes, we cannot see)
We have no goal for Singapore,
(We need FT, we need FT)
You and me, we have no part, of the money, cos we're not smart.
We need spurs in our hides, to work day and night.
Can only stop, after we've died.

There is nothing down the road that we can strive for,
We are told that we are daft and ignorant lor.
Our government, full of hot air,
it's a feeling we all share,
we work like animals, for Lee and P A P...
There's no reprieve, there's no reprieve.

Chorus:

Count on me, Singapore. (X 2)
Pay money, give my life till no more.
So our ministers can earn even more.

Together Singapore, Singapore. (X 2)

----

Happy National Day 2010. :)

Exclusive Exclusion

Several months ago, while chatting with online, Mickey was sharing a joke that a mutual good friend Donald had just told him. I mentioned that we should all get together for a drink, since we hadn’t done that for a while. Mickey said I could ask Donald myself, since Donald is online too. I asked if Donald was “appearing offline” and shot an invite to Donald at the same time. Mickey informs me otherwise. Donald was available for chat. Then a couple of minutes later, Donald appeared online.Donald told me Mickey said we should go for a drink. I said ok and we did, later.

Cool, I just found out Donald had blocked me online that day.

It was weird, but it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t particularly initiate chats unless I actually have something I need to say. We had hardly chatted online too, so figuring that I was exclusively blocked for some reason, I didn’t see a need to keep Donald in my list.

A few weeks ago, a chat window popped up onscreen. It was Donald, who asked if I wanted to get together for dinner with some friends. We chatted a little, and Donald mentioned we hadn’t chatted online for quite a while. I told him I’m always contactable, and besides he had my number. I also told him, he could always feel free to chat with me when he wanted to, when I was online. Donald laughs and said I could say hi too. I laughed and told him I had already removed him from my contact list on MSN.

I haven’t heard from Donald since. *LOL*

It’s normal that friends may maintain an interest in their friends’ lives. Many of us keep tabs on friends online, even if we may not have contacted each other for some time. That’s why many of us maintain blogs or profiles on networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, Twitter or Plurk. We're updating our friends on our lives or thoughts and getting updates from them whenever.

Privacy is important and fair. We could have profiles that we don’t want the general public to see and so we keep it to only our friends and family.

If there is something I’d rather keep to myself, I wouldn’t even put it up.

But having a special mention in a block list is just a tad too special. I maintain blocklists for a reason. But I also know its quite impossible to truly block anyone in particular, so I only do it when it’s a spammer or someone I do not wish to see at any time. Imagine for example, being told of something a good friend posted online. Only to discover anyone can see it, except you. Yes, that means you’ve been exclusively excluded. I’m sure you’d feel very special too. :-P

When someone I consider a good friend etc, exclusively marks me out for a special mention in a block list somewhere somehow, I don’t think I need to give an explanation on why I lose interest in anything that person does or goes through.

I’m there if I’m needed as a friend, but on my own time and left to my own devices I won’t bother to preoccupy myself with the Donalds in my life. Or presumably out of my life.

2009 - Year of the Bull

And the bull sure had a great time decorating every patch of greenery in my life with dung. It’s been a delightful year with thrills that can only be felt by an eunuch watching porn.

People have been asking me, so what have I been up to lately?

Well, I’ve been breathing. It’s a really exciting hobby. All the thrills of a roller coaster running on a meter long track. Usually I would go for the common enjoyment of drawing breath through my nose, but sometimes I feel really adventurous and draw deep gulps of air with my open mouth.

Just the other day, I sneezed. You can imagine how incredibly awesome it was. Almost like the memorable coughing fit I had several weeks ago. The release of phlegm was truly the epitome of fun in wild October. One could almost say it was orgasmic. I would, if I could remember what an orgasm is. For all I know, the phlegm could’ve been dead zombie sperm that got bored sleeping and broke out of their hibernation pods below the old rusty rocket.

Breathing can be a wonderful hobby. I do it all the time, even in the midst of other fun activities. Just the other day, I was so engrossed in breathing; I stayed up all night watching a two-hour long cinematic excrement on TV. The movie was so exciting I almost wanted to stab myself. But I was too engrossed with breathing and too lazy to move my butt.

Won’t be long now, before Christmas arrives. I’ve a good feeling this holiday season will be exceptional. The anticipation is akin to the thrilling wait for an elevator to arrive while standing in the wrong building. In fact, the only thing that could beat this feeling would be the New Year. I await the coming of 2010, like a constipated man waiting for diarrhea.

The downside of my wild uninhibited lifestyle (as anyone can see from my wild activities described above), is that very few people can accept my unbridled passion for life. Even my shadow refuses to talk to me now. But so what, everybody leaves, I don’t care anymore. I greet each new day with the same unbridled kick everyone gets when they enter a toilet cubicle right after some fucker, who didn’t flush.

Die, you motherfucking bull.

AWARE Wasn't Aware

Its amazing how something can be blown so far out people’s asses, that it hits the faces of everyone and raises a stink best kept private. But a recent non-issue became so widely reported everywhere in Singapore that it sticks out like a turd unwilling to leave the anus.

So much has already been written on the “takeover” of AWARE, a feminist organization which claims to be champions for women’s rights. I have no wish to say anything about their usefulness or redundancy, relevance or otherwise. And I won’t need to make any comments over the outcry over a legal change in leadership. All I can say is they left their asses wide open to get shafted.

Why am I using so many analogies to buttocks? Well, this issue is apparently very important to butt pounders (and perhaps their female counterparts). Or did I hear someone say turd burglar? Though frankly, in Singapore, I believe lesbians have no law to really worry about, in the indulgence of their lifestyle.

Personally, I have no issues with gays. Though I am pissed that they should have stolen a happy, bright and lively word and made it gay.

Without going into my own spiritual beliefs, I do not go around provoking people living a lifestyle which I may or may not approve. People can slice their dicks for all I know or care in the privacy of their own homes, as long as they do not bother me or others that remain blissfully unaware.

Homosexuals love to decry anyone who disagrees with their lifestyle. Moaning like bitches as if someone shoved something up their proverbial butts. Though I think they might actually enjoy it. I say, if you open up your butthole in public, it’s not surprising if someone comes along and kicks your ass.

Tolerance means you tolerate. It doesn’t mean absolute acceptance or having to welcome or like it. If someone farts in the elevator, it may be something that cannot be helped or averted, and so we tolerate it. It doesn’t mean we have to like it and start encouraging a “farting in elevators” lifestyle.

Nobody bothered much about the homosexual issue, and despite it being against the law in Singapore, we don’t see gays being rounded up in prisons. Try living in Saudi Arabia or some middle eastern country and see what they'll do to you if they even suspect you're gay (and I don't mean happy). Why don't you pack your butts and try protesting for your rights there? Or are you only brave enough to fight where the field is filled with people who are actually tolerant?

Homosexuals are spearheading a movement for their ‘legal’ rights wherever they can with their bullhorns. Not that nobody knows who they are or that anyone started a homo war, but they wanted legal rights such as “marriage” between people of the same gender.

There you go, another attempt to hijack a perfectly good word and concept for their own. Isn’t it obvious that people who do not agree will speak out as well? If only to preserve their beliefs and principles? Homosexuals seem to think they have a monopoly on “rights”. What about the rights of others to keep and hold on to their beliefs? If it is a “right” to believe that homosexuality is normal, why is it then not a “right” for others to believe it is wrong?

Infringements into areas previously not meant to be touched, seem to be a favourite activity for homosexuals.

Many use the term “human rights” like it was some kind of mantra. Lets be honest here, human rights constantly change according to society over time. And it isn't always what I would term as progress.

I can only imagine. Lets open the floodgates then. Sure, make homosexuality a legal norm now. While it was once considered something else in the past, sure lets say its perfectly fine now. After all, they were “born that way”, a “lifestyle choice” and etc. Well, lets remember that there are still many other “alternative” lifestyles considered taboo now and many of which would even disgust our homosexual “human rights” mantra chanters.

Once upon a time, it was normal for a penis to penetrate only a vagina, as my biology class would tell me. Then it became seemingly normal to penetrate assholes (pun? Who cares?) as well. What’s next, sex with animals? It is possible you know. After all, they can claim they were born to love an ape, a cow, horse, sheep or a dead chicken. Get "scientific" studies to publish journals on the normality of sucking a donkey's cock etc. The same arguments used by the homosexuals can also be used by these animal fuckers. And then after that? What if pedophiles began fighting for their “rights” too?

Give me a break. You have your views, I have mine, and others have theirs. If you want to throw shit at people with disagreeable opinions, then expect the same shit to get shoved back into your experienced ass. Try to take over somebody's turf? Then don't act all pissed when yours get invaded too.

If homosexuals and their stalwarts want to preach human rights and tolerance, I would strongly suggest they remember it goes both ways (though personally preferably not up the butt). It takes two hands to clap, not two “swords”. Don't talk smack about disagreeable people who speak out against your beliefs, when you can't shut the fuck up about them as well. Its like complaining about someone farting in the next stall while you are taking a dump in a toilet.

And since the “old guard” of AWARE reportedly states that they do not discriminate, then why seemingly discriminate against women who believe purely in a traditional marriage and family values? Are the homosexuals the only ones allowed to preach? While they figure support for lesbians would be a part of their cause for women, I guess they somehow forgot that the women who disagree with promotion and support for homosexuality, are women too. Tsk.

I am mostly fine with gays and lesbians. I have friends who are just that. I like most of them personally even if I may not be comfortable with their lifestyles, but we know our boundaries. It’s only when I get propositioned by gays when it’s so obvious I am not, or even when I blatantly say I am not interested, that it opens a door to utter irritation (an understatement). And let’s just say it’s not an infrequent occurrence.

I tolerate it. To say the least.

So please keep away from our traditions and beliefs, and quit waving and poking around where you’re not supposed to, and we’ll refrain from shoving it back into your ass. And not in a way you are accustomed too.

Great Expectations... & Pompous Assumptions

Social stratification and the determination by certain elitists to hang on to their presumptuous station in life is as always, ever so prevalent.

Witness the troubles of the beautiful and friendly Thais which began several years ago, and you'll see an excellent example of elitist hypocritical snobs determined to claw on to a very shaky precipice of power and wealth. In the rise of a previously sufferable obedient majority, its pretty obvious things are going to get worse, especially when the old elitist guard sees no benefits in majority rule. So much for democracy huh?

The current unelected leaders' promise and actions in reconciliation efforts would seem to be only applicable if they remained in power.

I love Thailand and its people for the times I’ve spent there vacationing. And I sincerely hope to see a resolution, which I think should ultimately be left to themselves.

But that’s not what I am really going to say. I just needed to set the stage for certain leaders of our own country, Singapore. I keep wondering if a similar situation might occur here, and the way things are going in this materialistic and hedonistic attitudes found in many of our own self proclaimed ‘elite’, I suppose it’s only a matter of time.

Just listen to them. And read between the gilded lines.

Reportedly, George Yeo lamented (or blogged) about the sad conditions of the current situation in Thailand. The interesting part I read that shone out like a like the headlights of oncoming garbage truck (and most certainly smelled that way) can be found in the following paragraph quoted from his blog. Go search for it, if you must. I don’t see why I should provide a link to such pomposity.

“PM (Lee Hsien Loong) was told by the Thai Government that he and the Singapore delegation should evacuate by sea, to be ferried by small boats to a nearby LST which would take us to Sattahip naval base. From there we could drive to U-Tapao. It all seemed quite unseemly to me that leaders and ministers had to leave in this way. But anyway we packed our belongings and waited for instructions since the Thais were responsible for our security. Happily we were informed around 3.30pm that the demonstrators had dispersed and we could travel by road to U-Tapao with full dignity.”

Even in an supposed emergency evacuation, he was concerned with his ‘dignity’ as if his tenure and status was some God-given right and privilege. I cannot even find the words now to convey certain feelings and thoughts swimming in my mind.

If I were in-charge of evacuation and faced with this man, I would show him a very dignified finger (I didn't say which one, so feel free to assume and I can feel free to agree or deny) and make him sit with the cargo, behind the pets and animals (which would probably be more appreciative in being brought to safety in any manner whatsoever).

And this is probably the true face of our ‘leaders’, behind their friendly (keep voting for me so I can be what I am and continue to enjoy what I have) smiles.

General trivia for the day;

The magnificent Rafflesia Flower is a wonder to behold, until you smell it. Reportedly, it smells like a corpse and attracts carrion flies for pollination. It is also a parasitic plant without any leaves, stems and roots. It has only nutrient-absorbing threads to absorb nutrients from the host on which it lives.

April. Fools. Everywhere.

I wasn’t entirely bothered by today being yet another major non-event “celebrated” by people from all over. Yes, April Fools’ Day, another day that is nearly on par with Valentine’s Day.

You either hate it, or love it. Or if you’re like me, you don’t really give a fuck or remember. Until several people I know started having their jollies at another person’s expense. Someone I know played an “I’m back in town, let’s get together ‘prank’” on her friends. I wonder how excited they’d behave when it really happens. Hahaa. People don’t like to be fooled twice.

And if you are within my circle of friends, you’d have a friend’s birthday today. Which makes me wonder about the countless jokes his parents, doctors and nurses could’ve been playing that very day he was born.

Some brave souls may want to try going down to their neighbourhood provision shop (grocery shop, for you foreign readers). Order lotsa shit, make’em carry several bags of rice for you to the cashier, bundle several loose items together etc. And when its time to pay, just laugh and shout “April Fool!”.

There’re always better uses for each situation. Why not make use of the day? Are you feeling lonely? Or just plain curious? Or maybe you’re a horny goat with blue balls? Ever wondered if that lady friend of yours had a secret desire to shag you? Or perhaps just a minor “ok, I don’t mind him humping me if I had no one else when I’m high and horny” demeanor?

Ask them today. If the answer is not positive, it’s an April Fools’ prank. If it is, well, I’m sure you know what to do.

And ladies, of course, fear not, especially if you’re reading this. After all, you could take this joke further. You could even stretch the positivity in this situation even longer. Leading him on all the way, making him strip himself. And then shouting “April Fool” at his soon-to-be rapidly diminishing manhood.

I’m staying home during this day of festive idiocy.

Oh wait, I’ll play a little prank on my sofa later, I’ll tell it I’m not going to be sitting on it today. And then sit anyway. Yeah, lame. That’s what I think of April and fools.

Lights Off For Earth?

I’ve been seeing lots of people pushing for Earth Hour, Earth Day, Save The Earth etc. lately, due to the approach of Earth Hour 2009. If you haven’t got a clue, Google is a good place to start.

Most seem intent on spreading a fastidious message in getting anyone and everyone to switch off their lights, be it in their homes or offices on a particular day, at a particular hour.

Personally, I find it perhaps at best symbolic but utterly useless and ineffectual otherwise. Why just the lights? Why not more? If they’re so into using less energy, they should know electric lights in our homes aren’t really the energy guzzlers. And this is just going to give most people a little impression of “oh I feel so good I’m helping to save the earth”, before they go back to being part of the problem. Driving around in a gas guzzler with a bumper sticker to say “Save the Earth” or putting a tag in Facebook makes people feel good. But it’s as helpful as taking a picture of you giving canned sardines to some homeless dude, and walking away after that, thinking you have made an impact on his life.

Let’s just look at Singapore, since different countries may have different extreme energy usage. The villages in certain regions wouldn’t be bathed in electrical lighting anyway, besides various factors and locations.

Imagine looking at Singapore with the lights in the buildings switched off for an hour. Of course HDB flats would still have corridor lights to provide a little consolation. Others may not be so lucky, and it could turn out to be a great time for burglars and other miscellaneous criminals to have a field day or hour. *LOL*

It looks good probably on the outside. But I can imagine the very same people who were made aware of this movement (mostly via the internet), still sitting at their PCs. Guess how much energy the PC uses, compared to that light on the ceiling? Others are probably watching TV. Perhaps the lucky ones will be fucking in the dark for an hour, and probably in a room cooled by another energy guzzler, the air-conditioner. Maybe a bunch of friends or family will be sitting around for an hour in the dark amidst candles having a nice time. And most likely, drinking cold beer or drinks, straight from the (energy guzzling) refrigerator?

How about we tell Mediacorp or Starhub and their ilk to stop broadcasting? That should stop people from watching television for an hour. Then again, someone may get the bright idea that they can watch a DVD anyway.

Or hey, how about we get the Singtel, Starhub and every other ISP or IAP to cut off access to the internet? I imagine some people will still be playing single player games, or working on some office shit they brought home, to save energy in the office.

Hmm, how about we start promoting preserving our foodstuff with salt, or perhaps a huge trough of earth to bury our food? That should save lots from those energy draining refrigerators. But do it wrong and lots of people will be driving energy guzzling cars to the hospital.

Just a few suggestions I guess, and way more useful in saving energy too, but still ultimately impractical.

Don’t ask me for solutions, people are paid to do that (I'm not, so I'll whine for free), and I think they should come up with better ideas. The amount of money spent on these ideas and their promotion thereafter, is just a staggering waste, in my humble and inconsequential opinion.

Fossil fuels (and deforestation) are the driving forces that are leading to global warming. At the same time enriching oil countries and their leeches in the form of multinational companies, with finances and resources that are probably mostly used for more research into how they can continue destroying the earth, be it on a mass scale like the destruction of earth’s environment behind a friendly face, play political games or funding suicide bombers (oh don’t deny me the joy of exposing a little nugget of truth). Ever wonder why many of the countries with the most oil, also have only hot arid deserts as a natural landscape?

People are going to continue with their lifestyles, and even a small change in saving energy isn’t going to solve the problem. At all.

How about spending those massive funds on research and harnessing solar energy? I’m sure current research can do with that money. Expensive perhaps, but isn’t it more worthwhile when the end result is more meaningful than a temporary symbolic darkness?

Mediacorpus Bastardus

I have a growing love for Singapore’s free to air Mediacorp’s Channel 5. The likes of which can only be compared to my enthusiasm in getting my scrotal sac being cut off to make a purse.

There is little that I look forward to watching on TV these days, with the gamut of local productions being forced down our throats like mothers feeding their children cod liver oil. Then we have the wonderful host of movie reruns, they now call encore telecasts. Crap by any other name is still crap.

And I’m sure everyone loves reruns of local shows. I love them too, just like I love having my shit shoved up my ass, just so I can defecate them all over again.

Recently, I’ve only really looked forward to the weekly airing of CSI, one of the few shows that are actually interesting to watch, that I’ve never watched before. And tonight is the night it should air. Then I discover, they’re pre-empting it for a delightful local drama ‘Sweet Tapioca Porridge’. Whoop de fooking doo. Here I am waiting to watch a thrilling forensic drama, and I get tapioca porridge. If they want to stick their tapioca into porridge, why can’t they pre-empt some of their own local crappy productions which already dominate primetime through the entire week?

Sure, they may be some pretty watchable local productions (and nonyas or bibiks or babas speaking perfect mandarin just doesn’t cut it for me), but for the love of your viewers’ sanity, don’t intrude on our staple of good international fare after 10pm.

Imagine the hungry thrill of entering a renowned steakhouse only to be told they’re only serving only tapioca porridge that very night.

I hope they get a delightful porridge disease on their tubers.

Songs of the Morning

I've been woken up earlier than I would have wanted to, much more often than not, lately. Have you ever felt like dwelling longer in slumber and perhaps escape waking up to yet another day you wished you didn't have to see? Ever just wanted to sleep later, after a late night?

Then you might understand how incredibly happy people get, when they are rudely woken up in any circumstances.

Today, it was the sheer stupid inconsideration of a bridal procession. The noise made in a funeral procession has no qualms in silent curses, since the person is already dead anyway. But to drive in a procession of several cars into a carpark closely surrounded by HDB flats, in the wee hours of the morning, with every car honking away is just going to blow the fuses of the happy couple's neighbours, bathing their happy day with wishes they may not expect.

Tradition may call for loud noisy processions as the groom makes his way to the fetch his bride, but when you logically think about it, they have very good reason to do so. Ancient times saw people living faraway in possibly remote quarters, where the noise can aptly inform the bride and her family of the arriving groom and how soon they will be arriving.

These days. We have mobile phones. Need I say more?

This morning was the third I've experienced in such an early cacophony of honking vehicles, resulting in a rude awakening from a weekend slumber. I covered my head with pillows to muffle the noise which seemed to last forever. It isn't fun to wake up to a migraine. But I could feel it coming. I couldn't take it, I went to the window to look at the circus. I could feel the joy welling up inside me, similar to an untimely moment of diarrhea.

Then the noise got louder, this time a series of shouts and cheers from monkeys in suits who had gotten out and stood outside their cars, while the alpha male chimp strutted before them. Considering how happy they were in sharing their ape calls with everyone (no matter if the neighbourhood may actually need some quiet rest), it was only eventual that others may begin to join in the fun as well.

I could hear loud blessings coming from various windows around the carpark. Blessings of "KAO PEH LAH!"... "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"... "DIAM LAH!!" (and one distinct anatomically correct description of the groom's mother) rang through the neighbourhood. It was a hard not to enjoy such raucous singing (some may even call it rapping or hip-hop) to show sincere appreciation to the monkeys' posturings. One can even imagine the background humming from a multitude of silent wishes and messages sent from other neighbours who may be too shy to publicly show their love.

The groom and his groomsmen must've been very touched by the neighbourhood's impromptu acapella performance in appreciation of their early morning wake up calls, as they stood there in silence, soaking in the love and attention of the rudely awakened neighbourhood.

I couldn't help but smile. I had almost wanted send them a congratulatory message by decorating their bridal car's windshield with a flower pot. But I was too lazy.

When The Wind Feels Like The Devil's Fart

It was yet another amazing day.

I just had to make sure I got this down so my grandchildren can read it some day. Assuming one of their parents ever find their way out of my balls.

Besides, I had nothing better to do.

Woke up to find an old friend who has come back from a long holiday. I wouldn't probably call it a friend, but it seems intent on making close contact with me. Good ol' Mr. Migraine. A real bastard. Felt like my both halves of my brains decided to do a 69. And it sure didn't feel good one bit.

Its times like these that you wish the advertisements for Panadol were 100% accurate. I decided the doc was probably able to do something about it at least, but after the arduous journey to the next block where he does business, I find the clinic filled with people. It was an epidemic. It was Monday. Bloody malingerers. I was once one of them, till I stopped working that is.

Anyway, looking at the number of people, I decided going home to rest was a better choice and so I took a slow trek back to the squarish cave on the rectangular mountain I call home.

Boredom and depression, doesn't mix well with headaches. Playing games didn't give me the kind of satisfaction I needed. But it was tolerable, I've not found real satisfaction for a pretty long time anyway. Haha... Damn, even laughing feels like piercing my skull with a bamboo pole.

Maybe I'll pay a visit to my good friend, Mr Whiskey later. He's nice.

Deja Vu

Took out my dinner, all ready to watch "Wes Craven Presents: They" on TV, and began eating as I watched. Yummy crispy KFC thighs, not exactly as yummy as a woman's thigh, but you should be satisfied with what thighs life wraps around you.

Into the final 15 minutes of the movie (incidentally, this is aired on Mediacorp's Channel 5, Singapore's free to air channel), I took the chance to bless the porcelain with a little water spout during a commercial. (Ever wondered if the spouts you see at sea could be a giant pissing? And the sea you're swimming in, is really just a huge toilet? Oh wait, it is a huge toilet for many).

Coming back, anticipating a climactic end after watching one and a half hours of the movie, I thought life began to simulate the Matrix. Deja vu... the movie continued with a scene from the beginning of the movie. I was thinking, hmm, this could be one of those movies that shows you clues from the beginning before ending in a twist.

And twist it did. Bloody twisted too. The award winning Mediacock who owns Channel 5 did yet another first, and may yet win another award for this.

The movie went into commmercial break at the end of the timeslot and the next thing I knew, I was watching the next timeslot's lousy show.

Somebody had screwed up, or I believe screwing himself with porn and rewound the tape or something, while happily spanking his monkey.

All we got was a scrolling text later, saying that the movie will be screened again in its entirety on a later date, "due to technical difficulties". Guess the fella in charge had a difficult time getting it up.

It was utter pissdom for me, watching a movie only to get screwed over by the final scenes. And having to watch the movie again, just for the ending? I hope everyone at Mediacock gets a good lashing of words from someone. And perhaps a good intercourse with an abrupt end before climax.

Gardening In Your Fridge

Saw some dumbass advertisements on TV recently. Yes, I was bored, so I actually watched the ads in between some shows.

Amazing. Did you know Motorola has a phone out now that can actually fight AIDS in Africa? Wow. The technology takes my breath away. But probably only because I was muttering over how utterly dumb and irritating the ad was. I'd sure like to see anyone who has that phone show me how the phone can actually fight AIDS. Come on, place it on the table, hold it, whatever. Lets see it in action, baby. Can't wait to see how it does what they say it does. Could it be some kind of new "Transformer" that can transform into a little robot and fly to Africa as "Captain AIDS"? Oh wait, its not doing anything is it? Don't tell me a percentage or whatever profit goes to a fund to fight AIDS. Thats not what the ad said.

You know, my mobile can prevent AIDS and STDs. Hell yeah (I can call some asswipe who frequents hookers and advise him on the probabilities of catching AIDS or some other fuck disease).

Reminds me of a Miss Singapore contestant some time back, who said her mobile phone can send out radiation to all her friends. Maybe Motorola discovered a way to send radiation directly to AIDS patients in Africa to help treat the disease.

Another ad had this local celebrity couple and family selling refrigerators. The cute daughter actually asks a very good question for a kid, "Why are the vegetables so green?".

Guess what the clever dad tells the kid? "Because of the sun!" Yeah yeah, so he goes on to say, it stimulates photosynthesis. Dumbass. Didn't they hear the question right? The question was, "Why are the vegetables so GREEN?" not "How do the vegetables grow?". Chlorophyll makes the plant green. Go read up on the sun or photosynthesis, idiots. Its amazing that they can't even act smart. Soon they'll think the sun can stimulate their brain cells.

Even better, mother goes one step further and teaches the kid that its just like their fridge! Which apparently has a simulated miniature sun inside. Imagine the technology here. Sun in fridge. Makes you realise there could also be a black hole where their brains should be. And the look of motherly pride as she glows when the daughter says they can grow vegetables in their fridge, priceless. These people need to refrigerate their brains (shouldn't take much space in the freezer) till a cure for stupidity can be found.

One thing tho', I'd love to see the kid put that answer in her test papers in school. Well, at least you don't need to be smart to be an actor. Or sell refrigerators. Or mobile phones.

Head Stoned

It hasn't been a good day. Halfway through a meeting with colleagues at Macs, my brains felt like rocks were beginning to form inside what little grey cells I currently have left. Must've been the screaming school kids that suddenly filled up the mall even as we were trying to talk business. Bloody schools should lock them up till dusk, before handing them back to their parents who should lock them up till morning before sending them to school.

Hadn't had a migraine attack for a long time now, and its sudden return felt like James Gomez being fed his minority forms up the ass by "well-loved" minister Wong (who) can't sing. Not particularly nice. (Editor's note: "well-loved" is used loosely here, perhaps similar to the love felt for huge hemorrhoids).

It felt like going through hell just to get home. I immediately popped 2 'panadol extras', and stripped myself as I headed towards the showers which I hoped would help clear my head's sudden decision to inflict some pain into my wonderfully monotonous life. Yup, if you picture me stripping right now, you might personally capture the gagging nausea I felt as I hit the showers.

I must've sat in the bathtub under the shower spray, for quite a long while. Was kind hoping for a cool spray, but of course the wonderful hot sun over Singapore seems to get its jollies by boiling the water tank above my HDB flat every afternoon. After I felt a little better, I towelled off and went to bed hoping to get some sleep. If you can picture me bummed out nude in bed, you might again fairly understand the mind-numbing nausea that still lingered, even as you try to control your own gag reflex.

Went off to pop another couple of 'panadol extras' before I finally managed to reach dreamland, where immense pleasurable possibilities exist. But of course, these possibilities usually hide away the moment they see me nearing dreamland's MRT station. Truly a reflection of reality. Positively cruel to know its there and yet unable to get some.

And now some hours later, I feel no pain. Its like my body has developed soft unfeeling heavy putty which covers me from head to toe.

I was just thinking how incredibly ironic that I could get no head, but I get headaches. Then the optimistic voice whispers in my incredibly stoned mind that things are getting better. The last time, I got laid up with a slipped disc, instead of just plainly getting laid.

Stoned Youth

As usual, my mind dreams up wonderfully idiotic stuff when I'm bored. This might happen anytime, but its happening right now. Guess thats better than some people indulging in what would be a short game of two-ball billiards with their sad little cues.

Beer would seem to make a person fat. And fat helps smoothen out wrinkles. It would thus appear that the more beer you drink, the younger you would appear to be. So drink up, you old farts!

Sadly, you'd hardly get any quality nookie looking like a young fat drunkard. Payoff's a bitch. And usually one helluva fat bitch too.

Blown Away

What they say about how it never rains but it pours, can really blow your mind when everything seems to blow up in your face.

Its been so freaking hot recently, I turn on the fan in whatever room I may be, when I'm home. Sometimes its just hot air, but at least it feels better than nothing at all. Then somebody somewhere decides that they'd like to do some kinda check on the electricity at the block where I live, and so they switch the damn electricity off for an hour. With absolutely nothing to do at that time, I go out for a nice long cuppa.

When I return, the electricity is still off and I'm wondering how I'd know if it does come back on again, so I sit around and wait for some signs of life in the electrical appliances. Oh and a sign came, oh how it came. The fan came back to life suddenly and then boom. Black smoke blows into my face before I realise the fan in the study went the way of a suicide bomber. Bloody terrorist fan probably decided to believe in extremist Islamic teachings and claim its reward of 72 blowing virgins in fan heaven.

Another beautiful reason to spend money.

So now I have to carry the fan from the living room into the study when I'm working on the PC. And when I'm done, I carry it back so I can have some air blown on my hot body. Ha, funny how that sounds, hot body. By that I mean the temperature, and not how my body actually looks.

Maybe I can rephrase that. Lets see, umm... I'm really feeling hot and I need to get blown.

Hmm, that didn't come out quite right. Oh well. Probably a Freudian slip. Mmm, I like slips. Ok now I'm hot, gonna go shower.

Life sucks... well sort off.

Does life suck? Well, when you realize no one gets out of it alive, it does put a dampener on everything (well, at least for a while).

That’s not really the main issue I guess, come to think of it, I’m just feeling down. Life’s been sucking waaaay too much stuff from me. Energy, money and more money. I need money, hence I work. Then I realize I need money to work, but the work isn’t coming around to bringing money into my hands as and when I may need it. This is one major suck effect some people call a vicious circle. Anyway, it sucks so much I just need to blow it off.

I thought about it, first thing babies want to do when they come into the world, is suck. Kinda rings an ironical bell of impending warning of a life sucking future, doesn’t it? Well, maybe not for some lucky ones, I guess, like Paris Hilton. But her special video does demonstrate other forms of sucking in her life.

On another note, men may complain how it sucks that they are sometimes expected to treat women when they go for dinner or for some drinks. But we have to be fair to the fairer sex, after all, they need to save that money for stuff men don’t need to buy. Cosmetics and sanitary pads.

See, it all balances out, it sucks for both sexes.

By the way, if you happen to think there are men who buy cosmetics. I should assert that those aren’t men. They probably suck.

Scientifically, the laws of thermodynamics do point this out to us. They can be summed up quite simply as the following statements;

"You must play the game."

"You can't win."

"You can't break even."

"You can't quit the game."

Does that suck or what? Actually, the Bible, does tell us something about this too. After all, when Adam did what he did, God made it pretty clear, everything’s really gonna suck from then on.

Think I’ll have to eat less for now. At least that might actually help me lose some weight. That should allow me to hold on to more cash, and perhaps go out for a drink. That’s sounds pretty good I guess.

Hey, wait a minute. I just remembered that drinking can make me fat. Damn, this really sucks.