Ballad To The Cavity Where My Heart Used To Be

Don't... don't close your heart to how you feel
Dream, and don't be afraid the dream's not real
Close your eyes, pretend it's just the two of us again
Make believe this moment's here to stay
Touch... touch me the way you used to do

I know tonight could be all I'll have with you
From now on, you'll be with someone else instead of me
So tonight, let's fill this memory

For the last time
Hold me now
Don't cry, don't say a word
Just hold me now
And I will know though we're apart, we'll always be together
Forever in love

What do you say when words are not enough?

Time... time will be kind once we're apart
And your tears... tears will have no place in your heart
I wish I... I could say how much I'll miss you when you're gone
How my love for you will go on and on and...

Hold me now
Don't cry, don't say a word
Just hold me now
And try to understand that I hope at last you've found
What you've been searchin' for
And though I won't be there anymore
I will always love you

Hold me now
Don't cry, don't say a word
Just hold me now
And I will know though we're apart, we'll always be together
Forever in love

What do you say when words are not enough?

What can I say
When my words are not enough?


Having rediscovered this song from long ago, I find it unbearably painful as it plays to my ears, and wrenches my soul. Yet, I seek that pain like a drug, if only to remind me I am alive. Dreaming of a last embrace, dreaming it would last.

I know not how, but I know I shall live in that moment, a moment that can only probably happen in a dream that I will pretend is real.

A Cynical Calm

For every wound, a balm.
For every sorrow, cheer.
For every storm, a calm.
For every thirst, beer!

Indeed, a lover that’s always here.
The wonders of beer.

Well, perhaps not so much beer, but I did enjoy couple’a bottles of wine. There is much to say about the perspectives a drink can give a mind like mine.

Realisations of a life my own that no one can really or would really bother with. I’ve always had a satisfying life when I am content. Ambition, covetousness, greed, even hope and expectations almost unquestionably lead your sorry ass down a road to despair and disappointment.

When opportunity knocks, open the door and let it in if you like the looks of it. I figure its best not to even expect anything interesting outside the door, apart from bloody salesmen selling toilet chutes and pairs of Jehovah Witnesses.

I wonder how long this calm can last. Perhaps it’s just the eye of some godly storm, and when the storm is over, there will be nothing left of me. Or what was recognisably me.

Meanwhile, I’m happy to note I do have something I can look forward to. Even after downgrading my mobile phone plan, albeit with a contract, I got a new mobile phone for a fraction of its cost; and it does come with all preferred bells and whistles. I’m just waiting anxiously it to arrive. Now that’s one of the very few things I can be sure expectations would not disappoint. I hope.

Nihil Ex Nihilo

Sleep was such saccharine comfort. The dark dormancy of a faded life. Dreams were a joy and sweet pretense. I could see you, even if it was just a lie.

Where have you hidden yourself, Mr. Sandman?
Why have you left me awake
When I needed you most?
Where is your sand to blind my despicable consciousness
And allow me sweet repose?

The minutes of welcoming unconsciousness,
Visits me with little comfort.
Where are my sweet dreams?
Why have they left me with naught
But visions of despondency?

I can’t sleep.
I hate my dreams.
Contaminated by emptiness
Stained by darkness.

God made everything out of nothing, and I can see nothingness in everything.

Everything I do, everything I say,
Leads not to where I hope.
Nothing I do, nothing I say,
Leads to naught but the same noose on a proverbial rope.

What do I really want to say today?
Nothing I guess, from where I lay,
I’ll just watch my sanity slip away.

A Lunar New Wreck

Its been nice and heartwarming to be in the presence of unconditional love. I know I can find it in God, even tho' I haven't been able to feel it through my absent mind, heart and soul. Its just empty. Feels empty, even tho' I know its there.

Family. Thank you God.
Friends. Thank you God.
My light. Thank you. Thank you God.

In the refuge of your arms I seek. I thank you for the moments you allow in my life when I can forget about it all. Rare but much cherished moments.

The moment ends, and I return to face a world of empty walls, meaningless television and webpages. I wait for my light. When I think I finally see it, I see it flicker. I see it. Then I don't know where it has gone. And I don't know why. My chest aches, and my mind ... I don't even know if I have much of that now.

And I'm cursing the motherfuckers burning motherfucking paper incense shit in the stairwell below my home (if I can call it a home). I curse the motherfucking smoke, from all the motherfucking incense and paper burning by the motherfucking bastards, making the air around me a stinking burning thick murky phlegm. I wonder if they are half brained motherfuckers with no sense of neighbourly consideration, conceived by motherfucking inbreeding.

I can feel the emptiness in me being filled with hate. And I hate that its happening so insidiously. I wish the smoke from the motherfucking house of bastards downstairs will thicken tonight as I close my drowning eyes. Perhaps I won't have to wake up to face a dark sunny day anymore.

Eclipse

Watching the skies,
the prospects of light
lay in cloudy lies.

Darkness prevails
in the waning light.
Dreary blue and grey
is all that’s in sight.

Black emerges,
as the sun is swallowed,
by a shadow that taints
what stands below.


In an incredible affirmation of how incredibly crappy my life is turning out to be, I can look forward to watching the sun disappear for a couple of hours, this very year. And just to make things clear, its even going to happen twice.

It would seem Singapore's skies will darken twice this year. First would be on the first day of the festive Chinese New Year. Whoopie. Finally something remotely interesting is going to happen on Chinese New Year. Excitement builds, kinda like watching your friend about to sit on a whoopie cushion.

I wonder what the pundits of astrology and fengshui is going to come up with for this phenomena. By the way, doesn't fengshui (wind and water) remind anyone of the rushing sounds of a toilet being flushed? And the masters of fengshui who flow in tandem with it, are very likely the turds. Ok, maybe I'm too harsh on them, lets call them dingleberries instead. Sticky crap that refuses to go away without several good wipes. At best, you might find them as useful as fungi being cultivated on your inner thighs.

This would also be a good time to convince people who piss you off, that viewing the eclipse with the naked eye is a good idea. For extra fun, you might even consider pushing the idea of a telescope.

And oh, the next one will occur in July 2009. Whoop de doo.

I can hardly contain my excitement. My life is complete. Somebody crack my skull with a hammer now. Anybody.

I'd Love To Go a-Wandering...

There is such an overwhelming urge within me to take whatever little essentials I need and the few dollars I have, and simply take the cheapest mode of transportation into the next country. The change and my final absence, would probably even be best for those I love.

I've always wanted to see the world on foot, or as much as my freakishly lazy feet will allow. I wonder, it would be nice to end my last days seeing something new every dawn. To move on from place to place alone without worry of being a worrisome stone or anything in anyone's life. I have long admired the lives of such lonesome wanderers and somehow, I feel myself being drawn to being just such an invisible and unknown shadow on this earth.

There is no true soul I can see, to whom I can truly bare my soul. Everyone sees but aspects of me. Aspects, to even those that matter to me, would have already made them wish I was someone else or just elsewhere *ha*. For only my Lord could probably bear my absurdities and despair, and perhaps I pray He will at least be the One to continue walking by my side.

Family and friends and people I love all have their roads to walk, and I'm beginning to accept these roads diverge. Once these temporal strings now holding me are gone, we will all have lives on separate roads. I wonder if I have that courage. I pray I do, and hope I will. For I wish only the best for all whose paths have came alongside mine thus far. And I pray I've only left lasting marks that would make you smile, and any other would be swept away by the sands of bastard time.

Perhaps, and it looks very soon, that my practical obligations should be settled and the road will open up for me to walk into that sunset.

Ratty Bulls

Yes, its beginning feel like last year farted a piece of turd for 2009.

While I have no utter belief in the zodiac, last year's rat year sure was ratty. And this year's bull is beginning to seem like it's going to hand me a nice big load of bullcrap as well. I can already feel the black clouds release a nice drizzle of piss.

The feeling of utter uselessness. Pointlessness. Of everything I do or say, or not say or not do. It basically leads only to throwing myself into another heap of dung.

I'm so tired, and filled with desires to meet a speeding bus head on. Though I frankly think that would only land me into yet another pile of shit.