When The Wind Feels Like The Devil's Fart

It was yet another amazing day.

I just had to make sure I got this down so my grandchildren can read it some day. Assuming one of their parents ever find their way out of my balls.

Besides, I had nothing better to do.

Woke up to find an old friend who has come back from a long holiday. I wouldn't probably call it a friend, but it seems intent on making close contact with me. Good ol' Mr. Migraine. A real bastard. Felt like my both halves of my brains decided to do a 69. And it sure didn't feel good one bit.

Its times like these that you wish the advertisements for Panadol were 100% accurate. I decided the doc was probably able to do something about it at least, but after the arduous journey to the next block where he does business, I find the clinic filled with people. It was an epidemic. It was Monday. Bloody malingerers. I was once one of them, till I stopped working that is.

Anyway, looking at the number of people, I decided going home to rest was a better choice and so I took a slow trek back to the squarish cave on the rectangular mountain I call home.

Boredom and depression, doesn't mix well with headaches. Playing games didn't give me the kind of satisfaction I needed. But it was tolerable, I've not found real satisfaction for a pretty long time anyway. Haha... Damn, even laughing feels like piercing my skull with a bamboo pole.

Maybe I'll pay a visit to my good friend, Mr Whiskey later. He's nice.

Good to be bad, bad to be good?

Men with largely uncontrolled libidos, playing the field with no qualms, seem to have it all. All the pleasures of life (as some would call it) and the lack of baggage on their backs. Of course, we all know someone or many like these. And to be fair, women have their fair share of similarly wild oat sowers. Or rather they let many oat sowers plow their field. We don't really like them, for what they do. Accuse them, they won't care and thus wouldn't bother anyway. Or are we just envious we have not chosen or been able to choose to live the way they do?

Men with largely controlled libidos, playing the game of remaining as good as they can possibly be, seem to have it shoved up their chaste asses. Consider the hen-pecked husband. The obedient sucker boyfriend. And perhaps all those in between. All the heartaches and pain in trying to appease the unappeaseable, with largely no benefits, except perhaps the joy of knowing true love (and pain), and the physical joys of a monk with blue balls, at the mercy of a companion's whims. The pain and feelings of idiocy infinitely soars, when they realise their efforts are largely small in the eyes of others, when inescapable suspicion and its cousins creep into their lives.

Sometimes, I wonder. Is there a point to being nice? Sometimes while sitting on a dry bed of thorns, the grass indeed looks greener on the playing field.

Sometimes I have no idea what I'm writing about. And this appears to perhaps be one of those times.

Definition of Pain

pain (arch.)

punishment, penalty (now only in phr.);
suffering; †trouble, difficulty XIII; (pl.)
trouble taken in doing something XVI (earlier sg. do one's p., etc.).
ME. peine, paine — (O)F. peine :— L. pœna penalty, punishment, (later) pain, grief — Gr. (Dorian) poinā́, (Attic) poinḗ expiation, ransom, punishment, rel. to OSl. cěna price.
Av. kaēnā- punishment, Skr. cáyate avenge, punish.Hence painful hurtful; †laborious. XIV.

© The Concise Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology 1996, originally published by Oxford University Press 1996.


Oxford says it all. If only they provided information on how to end it. Someone mentioned its called a bullet.

But the only way to get one in Singapore is to sign up as an idiot working under other career idiots (who wouldn't survive long in a real war) with self hyped ranks earned from deskjobs and colourful reports of bravery while dressing a wound for an old lady during a peace mission to a foreign country.

Bloody pain. Pain sucks ass. Especially the kind you can never see or mend with medicine or bandage.

Bowels of Life

It's been an amazing journey. The kinda amazement one gets when you step on a slippery turd and fall headfirst onto the toilet bowl, cracking the porcelain and lying there unconscious while shit drenches your comatose body.

One might think that falling into a dark pithole of life, resembling the very bowels of reality, you'd have reached rock bottom and the only way is up. Except the footholds you discover as you try to climb back up are really either illusions or they simply crumble at your every touch.

So you fall back, onto what you thought was the cold hard bottom. Only to discover its not as hard as you may have thought, as it gives way and you fall through it. Down further yet, making new explorative discoveries that beneath the pit holes of life, is it's sewer system.

I wonder, is the only way out, the light ahead, not what I think it could be? Sigh.

Many Faces of Mas Selamat Kastari

Its probably pointless to talk about the hidden story behind his escape. Especially from a once secret "Alcatraz" of Singapore. A probable underground facility which only certain people with particularly high clearance could have entered. Even the police force was probably not privy to visits, much less "family" of the detainee.

One can imagine that with the search now being headed by the army, having taken over from the "usual guys", one can almost imagine the "physcal breach" which the Deputy Prime Minister refused to elaborate.

Anyway, in the spirit of community service, posters of the man on the run has been put up everywhere. Except, a trained fella like him would probably disguise himself if he were still in Singapore. So here's a public spirited post on the possible ways you might find him. :P

Could he be the security guard you pass by everyday without a second look?

Is he having lunch next to you at Shenton Way? Is he trying to sell you insurance policies against terrorist attacks?

Did he save you from falling onto the MRT tracks? To plant a little bomb in your bag?

Did you just pass him by? A short non-descript woman in tudung would hardly make you take a second look. Or want to even take a first look.

Did you just have tea with him at the zoo?

Did you try to pick him up in a bar? Did you make out? Gawd...

Were you oogling him as he served you coffee?

Have you seen him? You could have.

Mas Selamat Tinggal (and Ah Meng gets post mortem sex change)

It was a scene almost any movie goer knows by heart. Escorted by guards, the prisoner requests for a little visit to the boy's room, and we all know an escape is imminent. This scene has been replayed in myriad forms and scripts, while we groan at the utter stupidity of the guards at hand.

One almost wonders how writers could even think that guards this stupid could exist or be employed as one. Then we see the exact scene replayed in Singapore. Mas Selamat (the country’s most wanted man) takes a leak and dumps his guards into new jobs as warehouse (empty ones) security guards.

It’s just amazing. We groan when we see onscreen, some young silly girl enter a dark building by herself. We groan when the villain (or sometimes hero) asks to free his willie. We all know what’s going to happen. But Mr Wong Kan Seng’s Home Team apparently wasn’t trained for daring toilet escapes.

In fact the almost sternly embarrassingly arrogant faced Wong said in parliament, “This should never have happened. I am sorry that it has.” One can almost detect from his tone of voice, as he raised his tone at the end of the sentence, he was pissed it happened. Not exactly sorry, but pissed. Well, perhaps sorry for what he will do to the day’s duty guards and their abilities to sit properly or defecate. For letting Mas Selamat Kastari say selamat tinggal (“goodbye” for those not familiar with the terrorist’s native tongue) to our inescapably tight security forces. We all know a contrite apology is spoken in lower tones. But obviously the minister for home affairs wasn’t very at home with admission of his ministry’s ineptitude. It was apparent, no matter how tight you squeeze your ass, a turd still can manage to slip out if you lose a moment's focus.

After successful riot police deployments against peaceful gathering of people in similar teeshirts, or elderly people holding placards, I guess they were unable to comprehend the audacity of such a daring escape. I forgot, he is after all a deputy prime minister too. And we all know why a sheriff is a sheriff and why the deputy is the deputy, don’t we?

Why the fuck do toilets in detention centres for terrorists have escape possibilities anyway? Shouldn’t there be no windows or exit alternatives? Anyway, it’s not my place to question the expert and elite guards of my country, is it? We apparently have to wait for some independent inquiry into the escape. I wonder if they’re going to get our “independent” President to do it. It should give him something to do.

Of course our media went out of its way (as always) to ensure we all think or know that it was an apology.

Andre Yeo from The New Paper even decided he should help our esteemed well-fed minister’s grammar and sentence construction.

Andre wrote, “Mas Selamat's escape should not have happened. But it did. And for that, I am sorry.

Those were the words of Deputy Prime Minister and Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng in Parliament yesterday.”

This is what Wong really said. “This should never have happened. I am sorry that it has.”

Read both and tell me they mean the same. If you do think they mean the same, you’re well qualified to be working for the official mediacocks and news publications in Singapore.

Oh and of course the entire government went into damage control overtime. Just look at the massive manhunt island-wide and the massive deployment of forces. Personally, the entire show doesn’t exactly bolster their competence and would probably worsen public perceptions of them if the limping terrorist (whom they tell us, has no money, no food and resources to leave the country) is not captured soon. The fact that he still remains at large is bad enough.

On a side note, since I did mention our media’s knack for correcting our elite leaders’ words, I thought I’d mention the not too recent death of Singapore Zoo’s matron orang utan, Ah Meng. Tagged as an icon, it’s not hard for any Singaporean to know something about her.

But our country’s highest paid political mime, (non)Elected President SR Nathan, made a monkey of himself yet again. Broadcast on TV, we can hear him say, "Ah Meng has been so much of a symbol of the Zoo. A lot of people – locals and foreigners – have enjoyed his company. I'm sure the patrons of the Zoo will miss him a great deal. But that's life."

Amazingly the person in the highest office of Singapore calls the monkey a symbol and well recognised symbol and then goes on to verbally change the gender history of the dead ape.

Of course the captions on TV, repeating his words, corrected the gender. As did every media report after that. Not much accuracy in our reporters or journalists, is there? Then again, I wonder if Mediacock was subtly making a fool out of him, since they could after all get the newscaster to read the lines over Nathan’s interview. Haha… who knows?

They should ambush this fella for more impromptu interviews and get him to make more unscripted comments. He is one amazingly hilariously overpaid fucker, and its only right that we taxpayers get to laugh at his fucking idiocy.

Hey, maybe we can televise Nathan making an effort to hunt down the terrorist. Seriously I doubt he can do much worse that the guards who lost him at the toilet. Except maybe perhaps proclaim Mas Selamat an escaped stingray from the Underwater World in Sentosa. Nathan vs Mas Selamat. The makings of a straight-to-video comedy.

Deja Vu

Took out my dinner, all ready to watch "Wes Craven Presents: They" on TV, and began eating as I watched. Yummy crispy KFC thighs, not exactly as yummy as a woman's thigh, but you should be satisfied with what thighs life wraps around you.

Into the final 15 minutes of the movie (incidentally, this is aired on Mediacorp's Channel 5, Singapore's free to air channel), I took the chance to bless the porcelain with a little water spout during a commercial. (Ever wondered if the spouts you see at sea could be a giant pissing? And the sea you're swimming in, is really just a huge toilet? Oh wait, it is a huge toilet for many).

Coming back, anticipating a climactic end after watching one and a half hours of the movie, I thought life began to simulate the Matrix. Deja vu... the movie continued with a scene from the beginning of the movie. I was thinking, hmm, this could be one of those movies that shows you clues from the beginning before ending in a twist.

And twist it did. Bloody twisted too. The award winning Mediacock who owns Channel 5 did yet another first, and may yet win another award for this.

The movie went into commmercial break at the end of the timeslot and the next thing I knew, I was watching the next timeslot's lousy show.

Somebody had screwed up, or I believe screwing himself with porn and rewound the tape or something, while happily spanking his monkey.

All we got was a scrolling text later, saying that the movie will be screened again in its entirety on a later date, "due to technical difficulties". Guess the fella in charge had a difficult time getting it up.

It was utter pissdom for me, watching a movie only to get screwed over by the final scenes. And having to watch the movie again, just for the ending? I hope everyone at Mediacock gets a good lashing of words from someone. And perhaps a good intercourse with an abrupt end before climax.

Two Sides of the Gender Coin

Went for a movie after several requests with a female friend I know online. It wasn't really a show I wanted to watch, but she was bored and offered to fetch me home after, so not having anything much to do, I met up with her. Free movie, free ride home, what the hell, and she's quite a nice person to talk to anyway.

Its interesting when I think of how some of them have men clamouring for their attention, yet, being unavailable on my part, they ask me out instead.

I guess its mostly the perception that being unavailable, they will not be harrassed or stalked by unwanted attention. Admittedly not all supposed "unavailable" men are safe, but I'm rather pleased they think I am. I figure it stems from the fact that they're already happy with the man in their life and when the fella's away, they want some company without having to fear for certain advances by male friends?

Or perhaps just a woman who simply wants a male friend to come out, without having to make him come. *LOL*

Perhaps in the faceless and yet oddly over friendly connections online, people open up and chat about stuff they hardly say in real life, even to their closer friends. I know I do, at times.

On the one hand we have women who despise men who constantly only want to enunciate their libido online in the hopes of a real life situation, on the other, the same women get emboldened when they "meet" a guy who isn't. No complaints from me really, considering it is rather entertaining and fun, listening and teasing at times without the obligation to follow up.

Possibly the slight ego boosts resulting from these opposite gender chats make life seem less boring. But its nice to know platonic friends do exist between separate genders.

Warming the Globe

The world came together for 24 hours yesterday to warm the globe.

In response to a message to halt global warming in various ways, singers and all, grouped around in concert venues around the world, to entertain and "send a strong message" to the world. This was done before huge throngs of people around the world gathered together, who then responded to the message by leaving a huge mess of garbage at concert venues.

Even more people around the world, helped contribute to global warming too. Literally. And not in the way organisers would have probably realised. Millions and millions turned on their TVs longer than usual (together with their lights and other electricals) staying awake through the night, helping make electricity usage soar throughout the world. All our helpful Neros fiddling while Rome burned.

Did you play a part and help contribute?

Gardening In Your Fridge

Saw some dumbass advertisements on TV recently. Yes, I was bored, so I actually watched the ads in between some shows.

Amazing. Did you know Motorola has a phone out now that can actually fight AIDS in Africa? Wow. The technology takes my breath away. But probably only because I was muttering over how utterly dumb and irritating the ad was. I'd sure like to see anyone who has that phone show me how the phone can actually fight AIDS. Come on, place it on the table, hold it, whatever. Lets see it in action, baby. Can't wait to see how it does what they say it does. Could it be some kind of new "Transformer" that can transform into a little robot and fly to Africa as "Captain AIDS"? Oh wait, its not doing anything is it? Don't tell me a percentage or whatever profit goes to a fund to fight AIDS. Thats not what the ad said.

You know, my mobile can prevent AIDS and STDs. Hell yeah (I can call some asswipe who frequents hookers and advise him on the probabilities of catching AIDS or some other fuck disease).

Reminds me of a Miss Singapore contestant some time back, who said her mobile phone can send out radiation to all her friends. Maybe Motorola discovered a way to send radiation directly to AIDS patients in Africa to help treat the disease.

Another ad had this local celebrity couple and family selling refrigerators. The cute daughter actually asks a very good question for a kid, "Why are the vegetables so green?".

Guess what the clever dad tells the kid? "Because of the sun!" Yeah yeah, so he goes on to say, it stimulates photosynthesis. Dumbass. Didn't they hear the question right? The question was, "Why are the vegetables so GREEN?" not "How do the vegetables grow?". Chlorophyll makes the plant green. Go read up on the sun or photosynthesis, idiots. Its amazing that they can't even act smart. Soon they'll think the sun can stimulate their brain cells.

Even better, mother goes one step further and teaches the kid that its just like their fridge! Which apparently has a simulated miniature sun inside. Imagine the technology here. Sun in fridge. Makes you realise there could also be a black hole where their brains should be. And the look of motherly pride as she glows when the daughter says they can grow vegetables in their fridge, priceless. These people need to refrigerate their brains (shouldn't take much space in the freezer) till a cure for stupidity can be found.

One thing tho', I'd love to see the kid put that answer in her test papers in school. Well, at least you don't need to be smart to be an actor. Or sell refrigerators. Or mobile phones.