Wrong

Ever felt like everything you're doing or everything that you are just doesn't quite click?

A Prayer.

I am writing this down now, that I might remember how and what I am feeling.

It's not the first, and when I felt so before, something has or will happen in my life. And it's not a good feeling. The last time I felt something similar, it changed my life and threw it into the gutters for a couple or more years. Other times, I may not have realised the changes or perhaps I didn't pay attention in my own spirituality. Other times, I felt blessed and had embarked on mission work for a short while.

Now, my mind seems to be going in circles giving me a numbed headache, my heart racing downwards as if towards a certain unsavoury feeling. I am rather nauseous intermittently. There is a bad feeling around me, what perhaps one might call bad vibes.

I know not what to do. Yet I feel like my Father God is stirring the Holy Spirit in or around me and perhaps warning me or perhaps preparing me for something to come, or already has.

I praise Your Name above all names.
Give me strength oh Lord, and wisdom.
I trust in Your ever-abundant comfort and love.
Whatever it may be, or may not,
I shall endeavour to walk with You always.
I'm sorry oh Lord, and do forgive me, where I have trespassed against You.

You are my shepherd; I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures;
You lead me beside the still waters.
You restore my soul;
You lead me in the paths of righteousness
I will be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, letting my requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus."

Thank you, Jesus. In Christ's Name.
Amen.

Perhaps, You'll have a little whiskey with me. In moderation.

Count on me, Singapore

We have no vision for tomorrow,
(We have no eyes, we cannot see)
We have no goal for Singapore,
(We need FT, we need FT)
You and me, we have no part, of the money, cos we're not smart.
We need spurs in our hides, to work day and night.
Can only stop, after we've died.

There is nothing down the road that we can strive for,
We are told that we are daft and ignorant lor.
Our government, full of hot air,
it's a feeling we all share,
we work like animals, for Lee and P A P...
There's no reprieve, there's no reprieve.

Chorus:

Count on me, Singapore. (X 2)
Pay money, give my life till no more.
So our ministers can earn even more.

Together Singapore, Singapore. (X 2)

----

Happy National Day 2010. :)

Insignificance

The light dazzles my eyes

Basking me in its beauty

Spears rupture my soul

Something bleeds within me

My mind clings to hope

Hands clinging to sand

I am nothing worthy

To the very end.

 

Emptiness

But I shall yet not die

For hope still keeps me alive

That my eyes may yet set

themselves upon you.

I Journey On

Some people live their dreams,
Some people close their eyes,
Some people’s destiny passes by.

Sometimes, what we think is the destination, turns out to merely be a waypoint. Choices made, not necessarily by our doing or decision along with serendipity has moved me along to realize the truth of reality.
 
It is never easy to never look back, to the waypoint that would have been the destiny. I guess there comes a time when I have to accept that I am merely a point along your track of life, and then it would be silly for me to imagine or hope that my destiny lies with you.
 

I suppose there always lies an innate hope, albeit selfish, in people who have moved on in their lives, expecting the people left behind to hold on to the emptiness of a false or dark destiny. But I think it is time I moved along with my life too, just as I can see you have, instead of clutching at straws while drowning in the stagnant waters you left behind.
 

Someday, perhaps, paths might meet again. Perhaps if they do, we will walk together again, even if it’s for a little while. Perhaps destiny loops, perhaps when forever is through, I’ll be over you. But dreams just shouldn’t be placed in a probability. You can’t be the last, if you cannot last.

God bless, and may you find joy in your new waypoints of life and live in a happy destiny.

My destiny awaits. I journey on.

Forgettable

It was a day no different from any other. One that is entirely forgettable, yet time insists I go through the motions of breathing and sensory awareness. I've stopped wondering, it's tiring to process the thoughts that constantly run through my mind like rampant nudists over a patch of dying grass. My brain feels like that patch of grass.

I thought I'd take a long walk, to perhaps find a moment in time that I might not quite forget. It was a glimmer of hope that felt as bright as a glimmer in the puddle of mud left in the sun. Something that lasts forever, only in the span of a very finite time.

Walking along the sidewalk, I find myself making a very momentous decision. I thought I'd get a haircut. With the current intricacies and excitement of my life, a haircut is quite akin to sex for a virgin. Perhaps I could also buy some stuff, some toiletries, or just something. I thought that might be nice. Perhaps it might even be quite like foreplay to the previous analogy.

I finally reached an area where shops gathered to prey on wandering shoppers.

As I browsed through one (a shop, not a shopper), I made mental targets of toiletries available. They should last me quite a while, considering I've not found a reason to use them for some time. Very forgettable times.

Looking at the barber next door, I thought I should probably get the haircut first, but maybe I should walk a little more, at the very least, to the ATM for some extra cash. I remembered I had some, but I knew it would be quite some time before I bothered walking here again. And I'd rather have some cash left after paying for the haircut and stuff. So as I reached into my pocket, I headed towards the machine and made a discovery that would change my plans for the day, instantly.

I had forgotten to bring my wallet.

Fuck.

Something Good

A song written by a friend, sings my soul's cry.

You come back to your room

You switch on yellow night lights just beside the bed

You draw the curtains close

You lie down in your clothes and try to sleep instead

You put your hand across

You feel a cold where a good warmth used to lie beside

You lie down in the light

The short hand of the hour just has passed you by

You know there's something missing, from this place

A little something missing, you can't face

You know there's something dying, in this place

A little something crying, in this space

There's a trace

Of something good.

The sun peeks through the gap

You never got the rest that you needed for this day

You shower in a daze

You're wondering if this life has just faded to the gray

Broken pieces on the floor

You throw out with the rest of the life you had before

You walk out through the door

And glance back to the place that was home and so much more

You know you need to move on, from this place

You know you need to be gone, and replace

Of all the things you wanted, there's no space

To keep a piece of mind, of that face

Not a trace

Of something good

Of something good

- Hamdan Selamat

ú-chebin estel anim