Repetitive Memories & Life

What I Have Learnt From Life

There is an eerie compulsion to be nice even though according to certain reliable sources, I am obviously not (I might also say I think that Geylang is just as a reliable source, for virtuous potential foreign brides). An odd Neanderthal need to be appreciated by the ones I love or care about. Much as the darkness that thrives in my words and its incessant whine on the pointless deeds for nothing, people and life, I still end up trying.

Tasting sweet nectar occasionally, I push on only to realize the foul phlegm spat upon my back. I can still feel it encrusted on the blades wedged between my shoulder blades by hands of a proclaimed epitome of empathetic kindness. I guess some people might take the loving stealth, demonstrated in placing the forementioned sputum from a discreetly malicious mouth and knife, without my knowledge, as love. I certainly hope they experience the joy that they so lovingly offer to others, as well. Many times over.

Well, I did talk about the darkness within my words, haven’t I? Nah, I don't wish anything on them. Life has a beautiful road of parity on it's own. Duplicity is amazingly mirrored and ultimately projected to and from the associates in their lives.

But there is a reason for my words, I suppose. Caring and sharing has certainly improved my life. It has lightened my load, especially where assets and cash are concerned. And it has also dramatically provided my complexion with a certain glow, much like a radioactive scrotum.

Do the right thing I say, in light or darkness. Silly me. I’ve been roasting a brick, while dreaming of marshmallows.

I’ve always wondered, if there is really something this world has to offer. After all that I’ve gone through, I can honestly say, yes. Being the deluded clever thing that I am (one might say I resemble those round things found on the tentacles of an octopus), I dove right in to experience every sensation I could from what I would assume to be the beauty of life, within the confines of what I would desperately attempt to hope is the morally correct thing to do. I discovered how life offered me a chance to bleed. I didn’t believe it.

I believed truly in the possibilities of truth and integrity. It gave me a new fork deep in my perineum.

I still believe in life. I truly still do.

I believe it will end eventually. Soon. Please.

The Void

Void, empty, hollow inside
My dreams have fled, my hopes have died
Existence has no reason
Life's just passing with each season

She was my life, my hope, my love
All is gone, passed by thereof
The hurt is such no one should bear
What's to life, why should I care?

I weep all night for my love gone
My heart is sick, for death I long
Mine eyes well tears for love that's lost
I'll mourn always for the great cost

But in each day Lord give me hope
Strengthen me so I may cope
Grant me wisdom to help me see
Thy great way and not just me.

Torn

I'm good, I'm bad.
I'm strong, I'm weak.
I'm happy, I'm depressed.
I'm patient, I'm angry.
I'm decent, I'm filthy.
I'm virile, I'm impotent.
I'm funny, I'm lame.
I'm kind, I'm harsh.
I'm carefree, I'm emotional.
I'm apathetic, I'm nosy.
I'm flexible, I'm a control freak.
I'm stoic, I'm senstitive.
I'm loving, I'm lustful.
I'm submissive, I'm dominatng.
I'm playful, I'm flirtatious.
I'm giving, I'm selfish.
I'm sexy, I'm depraved.
I'm right, I'm wrong.
I'm passionate, I'm fixated.
I'm exciting, I'm boring.
I'm persevering, I'm tired.
I'm sensual, I'm disgusting.
I'm alive, I'm dying.

I'm witty, I'm a fool.
I'm quiet, I talk too much.

I'm a blessing, I'm a torment.
I'm cloaked in righteousness,
I'm a sinner.

I'm never the first,
I'm never the last.
I'm loved, I'm an alternative.
I'm at peace, I'm in pain.

I laugh, I cry,
I love, I despise.
I want to live, I want to die.

My face, my mask.
I am me, I am somebody else.
I am a joke, I am not funny.

I want more, I have had enough.

Wrong

A Prayer.

I am writing this down now, that I might remember how and what I am feeling.

It's not the first, and when I felt so before, something has or will happen in my life. And it's not a good feeling. The last time I felt something similar, it changed my life and threw it into the gutters for a couple or more years. Other times, I may not have realised the changes or perhaps I didn't pay attention in my own spirituality. Other times, I felt blessed and had embarked on mission work for a short while.

Now, my mind seems to be going in circles giving me a numbed headache, my heart racing downwards as if towards a certain unsavoury feeling. I am rather nauseous intermittently. There is a bad feeling around me, what perhaps one might call bad vibes.

I know not what to do. Yet I feel like my Father God is stirring the Holy Spirit in or around me and perhaps warning me or perhaps preparing me for something to come, or already has.

I praise Your Name above all names.
Give me strength oh Lord, and wisdom.
I trust in Your ever-abundant comfort and love.
Whatever it may be, or may not,
I shall endeavour to walk with You always.
I'm sorry oh Lord, and do forgive me, where I have trespassed against You.

You are my shepherd; I shall not want.

You make me to lie down in green pastures;
You lead me beside the still waters.
You restore my soul;
You lead me in the paths of righteousness
I will be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, letting my requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus."

Thank you, Jesus. In Christ's Name.
Amen.

Perhaps, You'll have a little whiskey with me. In moderation.

Count on me, Singapore

We have no vision for tomorrow,
(We have no eyes, we cannot see)
We have no goal for Singapore,
(We need FT, we need FT)
You and me, we have no part, of the money, cos we're not smart.
We need spurs in our hides, to work day and night.
Can only stop, after we've died.

There is nothing down the road that we can strive for,
We are told that we are daft and ignorant lor.
Our government, full of hot air,
it's a feeling we all share,
we work like animals, for Lee and P A P...
There's no reprieve, there's no reprieve.

Chorus:

Count on me, Singapore. (X 2)
Pay money, give my life till no more.
So our ministers can earn even more.

Together Singapore, Singapore. (X 2)

----

Happy National Day 2010. :)

Insignificance

The light dazzles my eyes

Basking me in its beauty

Spears rupture my soul

Something bleeds within me

My mind clings to hope

Hands clinging to sand

I am nothing worthy

To the very end.

 

Emptiness

But I shall yet not die

For hope still keeps me alive

That my eyes may yet set

themselves upon you.

I Journey On

Some people live their dreams,
Some people close their eyes,
Some people’s destiny passes by.

Sometimes, what we think is the destination, turns out to merely be a waypoint. Choices made, not necessarily by our doing or decision along with serendipity has moved me along to realize the truth of reality.
 
It is never easy to never look back, to the waypoint that would have been the destiny. I guess there comes a time when I have to accept that I am merely a point along your track of life, and then it would be silly for me to imagine or hope that my destiny lies with you.
 

I suppose there always lies an innate hope, albeit selfish, in people who have moved on in their lives, expecting the people left behind to hold on to the emptiness of a false or dark destiny. But I think it is time I moved along with my life too, just as I can see you have, instead of clutching at straws while drowning in the stagnant waters you left behind.
 

Someday, perhaps, paths might meet again. Perhaps if they do, we will walk together again, even if it’s for a little while. Perhaps destiny loops, perhaps when forever is through, I’ll be over you. But dreams just shouldn’t be placed in a probability. You can’t be the last, if you cannot last.

God bless, and may you find joy in your new waypoints of life and live in a happy destiny.

My destiny awaits. I journey on.